1-Jeb & Nate - Long jokes

Once there was this guy named Jeb. He was driving in the desert one time when his car broke down. He had no food, no water, no means of communication with the outside world. He was beginning to get a bit stressed when he saw this lever in middle of the desert. Curious, he walked up to this lever and went to pull it. Suddenly a voice screamed at him, "NO! DONT PULL THAT LEVER!!" he jumped back, obviously startled, only to see a snake slithering toward him at full speed. Again, the snake yelled, "Don't pull that lever! It will blow up the whole world if you do."

Fascinated by this snake, Jeb decided to stick around and ask some questions. "You're a talking snake!" Said Jeb, "where did you learn to talk like that?"

"I've known how to talk since birth." Replied the snakes.

Jeb asked the snake what his name was, to which the snake replied, "I'm Nate! My job is to make sure no one pulls this lever. Thanks for talking to me, everyone always just runs away."

Jeb and Nate end up talking for hours and hours, until eventually Jeb asks if Nate would be willing to go home with him. After some much convincing, Jeb takes Nate on a tour of the world. Being a talking snake, Nate hit some huge fame in the real world. Jeb and Nate were the sensation of the times, they were on every news outlet, the internet, on Opera, and even started special appearances on many TV shows.

Eventually, Nate told Jeb that he was worried about getting back to the lever. So, they decide to go back and say their goodbyes.

They get to the middle of the desert where the lever was and give their emotionally filled goodbyes. But, as Jeb starts to drive away, his steering wheel gets jammed stuck. He's driving straight for the lever, and all the sand stops his brakes from working.

In a stunning heroic move, Nate jumps in front of the car and hits the wheels with just enough force to push the car out of the way of the lever.

Jeb jumps out of his car to go help Nate, tears rolling down his eyes, asks "Nate! Why would you do that??"

The dying snake looks back at him and croaks, "it's okay. Better Nate than lever."

2- Amish Boy & The Dad - Long jokes

15-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order

Finally, the walls opened again, and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son....

“Go get your mother”

3- King & The Count - Long jokes

Four hundred years ago, when much of Europe was still peppered with fiefdoms and minor principalities, benevolent King Alvum Motus III of the Kingdom of Averademesne had a beautiful daughter of marriageable age, the Princess Innupta, and a desire to expand his kingdom.

In the hope of attracting nearby suitors of higher rank and fortune, the King expended significant kingdom resources assembling a dowry sure to attract the attention and avarice of the various heads of the kingdoms adjacent. In addition to a Duchy and a new castle, whomsoever were to marry his daughter, the Princess Innupta, would also receive a chest of jewels containing a pound of rubies, a pound of pearls, a pound of sapphires, a pound of emeralds, a pound of diamonds, and, for the pièce de résistance, a 70-carat perfect diamond.

It was decided that the King should hold a grand ball, inviting eligible suitors from all over. The ball was announced, and tales of the dowry and of the beauty of Princess Innupta were loosed in the pubs and fishmarkets of Averademesne.

Soon following, men, the marriageable and the mercenary, descended on Averademesne like a swarm of locusts, filling the inns and rooming houses, and setting the kingdom abuzz with excitement and speculation.

The night of the ball, all the neighboring princes were in attendance, but none caught the eye of the Princess Innupta. Rather, she became besotted by the lowly Count Sacrarum of Largitionum, an unacceptable match, as he was her inferior, of no means, and a thief, to boot. But we get ahead of ourselves.

During the grand ball, the chest of jewels disappeared. The king, having tied up most of his resources in husband bait, panicked. The loss of the jewels, without the return of securing a good marriage upward for Princess Innupta, would bankrupt the kingdom.

The castle was put on lockdown, and every person in attendance was to be searched. At that time, it was discovered Count Sacrarum was nowhere to be found. Guards on horseback were sent out to search the kingdom and return with the Count in custody. The guards caught up to the Count at the edge of the forest, and took him into custody, but the Count hadn’t any purloined loot on his person.

Upon return to the castle, the Count was brought before the King. When accused of stealing the King’s jewels, the Count did not deny it. When asked why he would steal from the King knowing it would result in death if caught, the Count calmly explained that he knew King Alvum Motus would never allow the Princess Innupta to marry a penniless inferior, so his intention had been to take the jewels that would rightly become his when he married the Princess, then come back for Princess, and together they would elope, therefore, he hadn’t stolen the jewels, he’d merely taken advance possession of them prior to the consummating act that would make them rightly his.

The King became enraged and demanded to know where the Count had hidden the stolen jewels. The Count calmly told the King that he would tell him where to find the jewels after he was wed to the Princess. The King then ordered the Count be imprisoned in the Tower, with only bread or water, until such time as the Count became ready to reveal where the jewels were hidden.

The next day, the Count was summoned to appear before the King. The King demanded to know where the Count had hidden the stolen jewels, and again, the Count told the King that he would tell him where to find the jewels after he was wed to the Princess, and the Count was returned to the tower.

The next day, the Count was summoned to appear before the King. The King once again demanded to know where the Count had hidden the stolen jewels, and again, the Count told the King that he would tell him where to find the jewels after he was wed to the Princess, and the Count was returned to the tower.

The next day, the Count was again summoned to appear before the King. Again, the King demanded to know where the Count had hidden the stolen jewels, and again, the Count told the King that he would tell him where to find the jewels after he was wed to the Princess, and the Count was returned to the tower, the King ordering further that the Count receive no bread or water.

The next day, the King did not summon the Count, nor the day next, or the day after that, hoping that hunger would weaken the Count’s resolve. It did not. When next the Count was summoned, still the Count refused to divulge where he’d hidden the jewels.

The King, growing increasingly furious and exasperated, issued the Count an ultimatum: reveal where the jewels were hidden, or lose his head on the chopping block at dawn. Still, the Count refused.

The next morning, at dawn, the Count was summoned again for one final chance to spare his life by revealing the location of the jewels. Still, he refused. The King, apoplectic with rage, ordered the Count executed, and the Count was immediately taken to the chopping block and beheaded. The jewels were never recovered, bankrupting the kingdom. Princess Innupta died a spinster, and with her, the royal bloodline.

Moral of the story is: Don’t hatchet your Counts before they chicken.

4- Three Pieces Of Strings In A Bar - Long jokes

Three pieces of string are walking down the streets of Laredo. It is hot and dry and one of the pieces of string says “I’d like a beer. Let’s go in here.” They were in front of a local business that was open like things used to be before Covid. They all agreed and walked in. They decided they only needed one beer, so one piece of string goes up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him and says, “Aren’t you a piece of string?” The string says yes, and the bartender throws him out. Saying, “I do not serve string in my establishment.” So, the second piece of string says, everyone likes me, I’ll go in and get a beer for us. He walks in and walks up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Aren’t you a piece of string?” and the string answers in the affirmative. The bartender picks up the piece of string and walks him to the door and unceremoniously throws him out into the street. So now the three pieces of string are convinced the bartender will never serve a beer to any piece of string, so what are they to do. The third piece of string says, “I’ve got an idea.” He kind of turns himself into a pretzel. frays one end of himself and walks into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender can not believe the third piece of string has walked into his bar. He bends down and says, “Aren’t you a piece of string?” The piece of string straightens himself as much as possible and says, “Frayed knot.”

5- In & Out - Long jokes

Once upon a time, there lived a family of skunks. There was Mummy skunk and Daddy skunk and their two little boy skunks who were called “In” and “Out”. The thing with the boys is that like many young ones, their names matched their character, In like to stay indoors and play while Out liked to be outside.

One day after Daddy skunk had gone to work, Mummy skunk got a call from her sister and had to leave the house. She did not want to go as her boys could not go to her sister’s place and she did not want to leave them alone. Especially if In stayed inside leaving Out outside playing on his own. “That’s OK Mummy”, said Out, “I will stay in with In for a while and play with him, then Out can come out with me and play with me after”. In, thought this was a great idea, and mummy skunk reluctantly agreed.

All started off very well as Out stayed in and played with In for about an hour, then In went out with Out to play there for an hour. After an hour though, Out said that he wanted to go In as he had had such a great time inside for a change and wanted to stay in for longer, In, however, decided that he was enjoying himself outside for once and that he wanted to stay out. After a bit of an argument, Out eventually went in while In stayed out.

A while later, Out began to feel bad about leaving In outside on his own so he went out to find In, he looked everywhere and couldn’t find him, so he quickly dashed back inside to see if In had come In without him knowing but there was no sign of him anywhere. Just then, mummy skunk returned and saw Out looking frantic, with no sign of In. “what’s going on?” she asked.

“Well,” said Out “things started as planned and I stayed in with In and we played for an hour, then In and I went out to play outside for an hour. After that hour I came in, but In stayed out and when I went out to look for In, I couldn’t find him, so I came back in to look and you came home.”

“Oh dear!” said Mummy skunk and she went out with Out to look for In outside, then came back in to look in there as well. They were both starting to get a little bit frantic when Daddy skunk came home from work. “What’s all the fuss about? asked Daddy skunk.

“Well, “said Mummy skunk “After you left for work, I had a call from my sister, and I had to go over there. You know that In and Out can’t go there, so I had to leave them behind. Out had agreed that he would stay In with In to play inside for a while and then they would swap around and In would go out with Out to play outside. All went well until Out decided that he wanted to come in, but In wanted to stay out. They argued and Out came in anyway leaving In outside on his own. When Out went out to look for In he couldn’t find him, got frantic and started looking everywhere, he had just finished searching inside when I came home. I have looked inside and out for In and can’t find him anywhere. WHAT CAN WE DO?”

“Leave it to me,” said Daddy skunk. He went outside and started sniffing the air. Two minutes later he comes back in with In in tow. “Oh! What a relief” said Out and Mummy skunk together, “but how did you find him?”

“In-stink” said Daddy skunk

6- Two Hunting Rednecks - Long jokes

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along, they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's an old gearbox over there, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So, they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, then gazing into the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there", says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said... "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to an old gearbox!"

7- Butcher Dance - Long jokes

A guy spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he had every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film -- or so he thought. He wound up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he popped into a pub for a well-earned beer.

He got talking to one of the local Aborigines and told him about his project. The Aborigine asked the guy what he thought of the Butcher Dance.

"Butcher Dance?" he said, confused. "What's that?"

"What? You didn't see the Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Mate, you're crazy," the Aborigine replied. "How can you say you filmed every native dance if you haven't seen the Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a Corroboree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No, no. The Butcher Dance is much more important than the Corroboree."

"Oh," the man said, his curiosity piqued. "Well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, the Butcher Dance is way out in the wilderness. It'll take you many days of travel to go see it."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"Ok, mate," the Aborigine replied, shrugging. "You drive north along the highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you'll see a dirt track veer off to left. Follow the dirt track for 126 miles till you see big, huge dead gum tree -- the biggest tree you've ever seen. Here you got to leave car, because it's much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into the setting sun. Walk three days till you hit a creek. You follow this creek to the northwest. After two days you'll find where the creek flows out of some Rocky Mountains, but it's much too difficult to cross the mountains there, though. So, you head south for half day until you see a pass through mountains. The pass is very difficult and very dangerous. It'll take you two, maybe three days to get through it. On the other side, head northwest for four days until you reach a big, huge rock -- twenty feet high and shaped like a man's head. From the rock, walk due west for two days, and then you'll find the village. You'll be able to see the Butcher Dance there."

So, the guy grabbed his camera crew and equipment and headed out. After a couple of hours, he found the dirt track. The track was in a shocking state, and he was forced to crawl along at a snail's pace, and so he didn't reach the tree until dusk, where he was forced to set up camp for the night.

He set out bright and early the following morning. His spirits were high, and he was excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance that he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he had been given, he reached the creek after three days and followed it for another two, until he reached the Rocky Mountains.

The merciless sun was starting to take its toll, and the spirits of both himself and his crew were starting to flag; but wearily they trudged on, finally finding the pass through the mountains. Nothing would prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains proved to be every bit as treacherous as their guide had said, and at times they despaired of ever getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort, they finally forced their way clear and continued their long trek.

When they reached the huge rock, four days later, their water was running low, and their feet were covered with blisters, but they steeled themselves and headed out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually staggered into the village. To their relief, the natives welcomed them and fed them and gave them fresh water, and they began to feel like new men. Once he recovered enough, the guy went before the village chief and told him that he came to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate," he said. "Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You are too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not till next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me tonight?"

"No, no, no!" the chief exclaimed. "Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. You want see Butcher Dance, you come back next year."

Understandably, the guy was devastated, but he had no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he headed back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, set out a week earlier than before. He was quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed to ensure he was present to witness it.

But right from the start, things went wrong. Heavy rains that year turned the dirt track to mud, and the car got bogged down every few miles. Finally, they had to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reached the creek and the mountains without any further problems, but halfway through the mountain pass, they were struck by a fierce storm that raged for several days, during which they were forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsided.

Then, before they had travelled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprained his ankle badly, slowing down the rest of their journey greatly. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they had been traveling, they staggered into the village right at noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" the man gasped. "Please don't tell me I'm too late to see it!"

The chief recognized him and said, "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spent the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment and preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid. As dusk fell, the natives started to cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of birds' feathers and animal skins. Once darkness had settled fully over the land, the natives formed a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descended over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body entered the circle and began to chant.

"What's he doing?" the man whispered to the chief.

"Hush," the chief whispered back. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance, and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the holy man reached a stunning crescendo before he removed himself from the circle. The rhythmic pounding of drums boomed out across the land, and the natives began to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy became caught up in the fervour of the moment himself. This was it. He realized beyond all doubt that his wait had not been in vain. He was about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strode to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, started to sing: "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in, and you shake it all about...."

8- Train Conductor - Long jokes

So, there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living. He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learn his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so, he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped into the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

9- Gorilla Catcher - Long jokes

Mr. Ponsonby-Smythe got a phone call from his wife, who was in a state of panic.

"George!" she sobbed. "There's a gorilla in the apple tree in the front garden!"

"A gorilla?" Mr. Ponsonby-Smythe echoed. "Nonsense, woman. Have you been at the gin again?"

"No, George," she replied. "It's a real gorilla - it must have escaped from the zoo or a circus or something. It's sitting in the apple tree growling at everyone who walks past. It's just thrown an apple at Mrs. Bell from No. 23!"

"Did it hit her?" Mr. Ponsonby-Smythe asked, then said, "No, never mind that. I'll come home straight away."

He drove home and, sure enough, as he pulled into the driveway, he saw a huge, fierce gorilla in the apple tree. It spotted him and growled, then threw an apple at him - he only just ducked in time.

He went into the house, where his wife was nervously looking out the window from behind the net curtain. "George, what are we going to do?" she asked.

Mr. Ponsonby-Smythe picked up the Yellow Pages. "It's simple, Miriam - there are bound to be professional people who can deal with this sort of thing."

He looked up 'Gorilla Catchers' but there was only one firm listed. He dialled the number and after a few rings the phone was answered. "Bloggs and Wilson, Gorilla Catchers. Bloggs speaking!"

"Good afternoon - my name is Ponsonby-Smythe. There is a gorilla in the apple tree in my garden, and I need you to come and catch it!"

"I'm very sorry, sir," replied Bloggs. "I'm afraid Wilson is off sick at the moment, so we're unable to take on any jobs."

"But this is urgent!" said Mr. Ponsonby-Smythe. "It's in the tree, causing a scene - I'm sure the property values are reducing even as we speak! There must be something you can do!"

"Well..." said Bloggs. "Catching a gorilla is a two-man job, but if you're willing to fill Wilson's role then we should be able to pull it off."

"I'll do whatever it takes, " promised Mr. Ponsonby-Smythe, and gave Bloggs his address.

Twenty minutes later a battered Transit van bearing the sign "BLOGGS AND WILSON - GORILLA CATCHERS" pulled up outside. The driver got out and went round to the back of the van, opened the doors, and brought out a large rifle, a set of manacles, and a vicious-looking Rottweiler dog which barked and snarled. The man came up to the front door and rang the bell.

"Good afternoon, sir. I'm Bloggs," said the man when Mr. Ponsonby-Smythe answered. "I can see the gorilla in your tree - he's a big 'un, isn't he? We'd best get started right away."

"That's fine," said Mr. Ponsonby-Smythe. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," replied Bloggs. "You stand there with the manacles while I climb the tree. I will wrestle with the gorilla and push him out of the tree. The instant he hits the ground; the dog is trained to leap forward and bite the gorilla's testicles. This will distract him long enough for you to put the manacles on him. Then I can load him into the back of the van and take him away."

"I understand," said Mr. Ponsonby-Smythe. "But what is the rifle for?"

"That is actually the most important part of the whole operation," replied Bloggs. "If by any chance the gorilla should happen to push me out of the tree, you must instantly shoot the dog!"

10- Horse, Chicken & Cow Band - Long jokes

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV. He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says, "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets good at the guitar, and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse plays the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label; I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

So, the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

11- Colonel Sanders & The Pope - Long jokes

The famous Colonel called up the Pope and asks him for a Favor. "What can I do for you?" Said the Pope. The Colonel said, "Holy father, I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do that, I swear I will donate $10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replied, "I am very sorry. That is the Lord's prayer, and it isn't something I can just change the words for." So, the Colonel, disappointed, hung up.

After another month of bad sales, the Colonel panicked and called again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.’ “And the Pope responded, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So, the Colonel gave up again.

After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel got desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replied, "Let me get back to you.” Next day, the Pope called together all his bishops and said, "I have some good news, and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoiced at the news. Then one asked about the bad news. The Pope replied: "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

12- Tibetan Monk - Long jokes

A young man is a tourist in Tibet when his rented car breaks down. He looks for shelter for the night, and he comes across an enormous Tibetan monastery. He raps on the large wooden double doors and the sound hollows through the enormous monastery like it were empty. He waits up to 15 minutes ready to leave when an old Tibetan monk opens.

"My car broke down, silly question, but do you have a phone I could borrow?" the man asks.

The monk replies, "I regretfully inform you that we have no phone here, however you are welcome to spend the night if you desire."

The man takes the monk up on the offer. That night, he hears an odd noise unlike anything he had ever heard before, like angels singing. The next morning, he asks the monk, "I heard strange noises last night, what was it?" The monk replies, "I cannot tell you that because you are not a monk."

The man thanks the monk and goes on his way. Years pass by and he thinks more and more about that singing. It was unlike any human voice he had ever heard. It was driving him to madness, and he finally decides that he must know what that noise was. He quits his job and flies back to that Tibetan monastery. He declares that he is ready to become a monk, and he will do anything it takes. The monk states, "You must climb the highest mountain that you may learn endurance. You must then wade across the largest river that you may learn strength. You then must search the sands of the world for two grains that are the same that you may learn patience."

The man, determined, hikes up Mount Everest, learning the value of endurance. He wades the Nile, learning the value of strength. He spends the following 20 years searching beach to beach looking for two grains of sand that are the same, learning the value of patience. He then returns to the monk monastery, weathered and as a changed man. The old man, still there years later, smiles and greets him.

"I know you have passed the tests, for only a monk can recognize another monk," and the monk invites him in as one of their own. The man, now older and wiser asks, "I ask, my quest began with this noise, and now that I am a monk, I must know what is contained in that room." The monk bids him to follow.

They approach a large wooden door, and the monk pulls out a large wooden key and opens the door. They enter a larger library with the secrets of old, tomes and ancient texts taken from the great library of Alexandria. The monk approaches another larger steel door, and the monk pulls out a steel key and opens the door. They find stacks of silver bars stacked to the ceiling. The monk approaches another larger golden door, and the monk pulls out a golden key and opens it. They find priceless golden doubloons from a forgotten age of Atlantis, priceless paintings and artwork. The monk approaches yet another larger diamond door, and the monk pulls out a diamond encrusted key and opens it. Light floods the room, and the man eyes open wide as he finally sees the very object that he sought...

I'd tell you what it is, but you're not a Tibetan monk.