Jokes are us

Joke Of The Day

A Joke a day keeps the gloom away.

A man goes to the bar and says, "I have a talking dog."

The bartender responds, "No, you don't."

The man replies, "I'll wager you a beer that I do."

The bartender says, "You're on."

So, the man puts his dog on the stool and says, "What does sandpaper feel like?" And the dog answers, "Rough!"

The bartender says, "No, I don't think so."

The man asks, "Alright, then what is on top of a house?" And the dog says, "roof!"

The bartender becomes increasingly irritated and says, "Those are not talking; those are dog noises."

So, the man says, "Okay, then I'll give him a tough question. What is the greatest baseball player of all time?" And the dog says, "Ruth!"

The bartender becomes frustrated and yells, "That's it! Get out of my bar!"

He throws both the man and the dog out of the bar. As they are leaving, the dog turns to the man and says, "How was I supposed to know he liked DiMaggio?"

A blind man on a bar stool calls out to the bartender, "Want to hear a blonde joke?"

Speaking in whispers, the man seated next to him remarks, "Before you go ahead and tell the joke, there's one thing you need to know first. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I am a six-foot-tall man who is 200 pounds and a black belt. The guy next to me is six feet two inches and 225 pounds. He's a rugby player. The one on your right is six feet five, weighing in at around 300 pounds, and he's a wrestler. All of us are blonde. Let that sink in, mister. Still want to tell the joke?"

The blind man remarks, “Nah, not if I have to explain it five times.”

In the middle of an active blood donation drive, three unusual individuals entered the place: a priest, a monk, and a rabbit.

“We would like to give some of our blood,” the priest declared confidently.

“That’s great! But first I’ll have to ask you what blood types you belong to,” the receptionist beamed brightly.

“I am of blood type A,” the priest said with confidence.

“I am type B,” the monk said calmly.

“And I am type-O,” the rabbit said.

An Irish man walking by the seashore happens to find a magic lamp. When he rubs it, there emerges a genie who informs him that he will be given three wishes.

“My first wish is for a pint of Guinness which never gets exhausted,” says the Irish man. His wish is fulfilled, and he takes the pint glass, empties it, and lo! It gets filled immediately again.

“Now what are you going to wish for your other two wishes?” asks the genie.

“Two more of these,” says the Irish man.

Charlie had died from a fire that burned him up pretty badly. And now, the morgue needed somebody who could help to identify his body. Two best friends of Charlie, Paddy and Sean, were called to do that.

Paddy came in, and the mortician revealed his body by pulling the sheet off. Then, Paddy said, "Yeah, he is burnt up pretty badly. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Paddy inspected the body and said, "No, that's not Charlie."

And it seemed to be quite strange for the mortician to hear such a statement, and so he brought Sean to identify the body.

Sean inspected the body, and then said, "Yeah, he's burnt up pretty badly. Roll him over."

The mortician did that, and Sean said, "No, that's not Charlie."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

"Well, Charlie had two assholes," Sean replied.

"What? He had two assholes?" the mortician asked again. "Yeah, everyone knew about that. Every time we came to town, people used to say, 'There comes Charlie with them two assholes...'"

For ages, there stood two statues in the park – one of a man and another of a woman. On a particular day, a compassionate wizard happened to pass by them, sympathized with them, and brought them to life for 30 minutes.

The moment the two statues came back to life, they glanced at each other, smiled, and raced off into the shrubs. All kinds of strange noises and giggles could be heard as the leaves rustled.

Ten minutes passed, and the two came out, laughing and gasping. The wizard smiled at them and asked them, "Well, you have got 15 more minutes if you wish to try once again."

“Okay,” said the male statue, “but this time you hold the pigeon, and I will shit on it!”