Top 25 Blonde Jokes

Sick and tired of scrolling through irrelevant topics (like “Top 25 Scientific Discoveries”, or “World’s Top 100 Universities”, or “Top 10 Libraries in The World”) and itching to look out for something substantial, something meaningful, something that motivate you to contribute meaningfully to your community?...well look no further as your friends at Jokes Are Us are proudly presenting some of the best Blonde Jokes you have ever heard. Sit back and enjoy

1- A Caring Blonde

A blonde was playing golf and as she sliced her drive off the tee, the ball went hurtling into a group of men on the adjacent green, followed by a cry of agony.

She rushed over and saw one of the men, obviously in agony, with his hands between his legs. She says not to worry as she is a nurse and knows what to do.

She lays the man down and undoes the front of his trousers, she puts her hand down and begins to massage him.

After a couple of minutes she asks him how that feels, to which he answers ” Great but my thumb still hurts like hell “

A blonde sees a cow with no horns.

So she asks the farmer, "Excuse me, but why doesn’t this cow have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and too dangerous to handle and be around.

Yet another reason is because sometimes when they are calves we put a type of acid where the horns are growing and this stops the horns from forming."

The blonde then points and asks, "OK, but what about that cow, why doesn't it have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, the reason why THAT particular cow has no horns is because it's a horse."

2- Cow With No Horns

It was the Postie’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year-old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the best seeing to, he had ever experienced.

When he was truly spent, they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was finished she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a Five Pound note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

“He said, ‘fuck him. Give him a fiver.’

"................... but the breakfast was my idea."

3-Generational Breakfast

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

4- No TV For Blondes

5- Blonde & the Car Blinkers

6- Flying First Class

A blonde boards a plane, flying economy.

Once the plane has taken off, and the seatbelt signs have turned off, she gets up, takes her stuff, and moves a few rows forward to an unoccupied first class seat.

One of the cabin crew approaches her, and politely says "excuse me madame, but you can't sit here. This is a first class seat, and you've only paid for an economy seat. I must kindly ask you to return to the seat you paid for."

She looks up at the attendant, and quite pompously announces "I'm young, I'm beautiful, I'm flying to Los Angeles, and I want to fly first class, so I'm not moving."

The attendant retreats, somewhat flustered. He speaks to the cabin chief, who approaches the woman and tells her the same thing: "madame, please return to the seat you bought."

The same response... "I'm young, I'm beautiful, I'm flying to Los Angeles, and I want to fly first class. I'm not moving."

The cabin chief speaks to the cockpit crew. The copilot smiles and says, "don't worry - I'm married to a blonde, I know how to speak to them." He calmly gets up and approaches the woman, asking her to move. Same response. Then he bends down and whispers something to her, whereupon she promptly gets up, takes her belongings, and returns to her original seat.

The cabin crew are stunned. The chief approaches the copilot and asks, "what the hell did you say to her?!"

"It's quite simple really. When she said she was flying to Los Angeles, I said: yes madame, but you see, first class isn't going to Los Angeles, only economy is."

7- Explaining The Joke

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler.

Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

8- Pregnant With Twins

A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is pregnant with twins.

She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong.

She replies, "I know who the dad is for one of them but I don't know who the dad is for the other one!”

9- A Desperate Blonde

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately.

To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”

10- Millions & Brazilians

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!" Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?”

11- Nobody Knows

12- Sack Of Potatoes

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They run into an old barn and hide in potato sacks.

The officer chasing them walks into the barn looking for them. He kicks the first sack with the redhead inside and the redhead says, "Woof woof!"

The cop thinks it's a dog, so he walks to the next one. He kicks the second bag with the brunette, and she says, "Meow meow!"

The cop believes it's a cat and moves on. He kicks the third bag with the blonde, and the blonde yells, "Potato potato!”

13- Blonde & The Shepherd

Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, she was sick of all the blonde jokes.

One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.

She stopped and called the sheepherder over. 'That's a nice flock of sheep.', she said.

'Well thank you.', said the herder.

'Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.', said the woman.

'Okay.', replied the herder.

'If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?', asked the woman.

'Sure.', said the sheepherder.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, '382'.

'Wow.', said the herder. 'That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home.'

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, 'Okay, now I have a proposition for you'.

'What is it?', queried the woman.

'If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?'

14- Death & Texas

My dyslexic blonde girlfriend just said "How do we know which of the other 49 states are real?"

I said: "What? They're all real"

She said: "No they're not, we only know for certain that one is real, no one's certain about the other ones. Just like the saying goes"

Now very confused* I reply: "What saying?"

She looks at me like I'm an idiot and replies confidently: "You know - only two things are certain in life, death and Texas"

15- Jigsaw Puzzle

16- Comfortable

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.

She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"

The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'”

17- Genuine Concern

18- Thinking Blonde

A blonde, a fat brunette, and a skinny redhead find a magic mirror.

If you lie to the mirror you die.

The redhead says, "I think I look fat," and dies.

The brunette says, " I think I look skinny," and dies.

The blonde says, "I think..." and dies.

19- Head & Shoulders

20- Almost Got Caught

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey girls," says the brunette, "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

The next day, they all leave right after the boss does.

The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss!

She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught!"

21- Oh shit

Two blonde rednecks were in the woods hunting.

One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a shit."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."

The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

22- Ice Cube

23- Blonde vs The Truck Driver

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier, so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

24- Who Killed Abraham Lincoln

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....

Officer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

25- Blonde vs ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

His dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee".

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