The Funniest Dark Humor Jokes

• What's the difference between Wuhan and Vegas? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

• What does Nemo have in common with my dad? Neither can be found.

• My wife says making love is even better on vacation. I only wish she didn’t tell me via email.

• I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday...But all the little shit did was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

• My wife ran off with my best friend last year. I still miss him.

• My husband told me to do whatever makes me happy. I’ll miss him.

• There are lots of jokes about unemployed people. Sadly, none of them work.

• I was raised as an only child. It was very frustrating for my older sister.

• When a kid burned down his house, his father watched, put an arm around his wife, and said, “That’s arson.”

• Why do most husbands die before their wives? They want to.

Dark Humor Jokes About Grandparents

• Couldn’t decide whether to bury or cremate grandpa, so we let him live.

• My grandfather complained that my generation relies too much on technology, so I unplugged his life support.

• Where did my grandfather go after getting lost in a minefield? Everywhere.

• I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me: “Are you still holding the ladder?”

• When I die, I want to die silently like my grandfather—not like his screaming passengers.

• My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

• My grandfather died in the Nazi concentration camps during WW2. He died when he broke his neck as the result of an unfortunate fall from a guard tower.

• I’ll never forget my grandpa’s last words. “Don’t point that thing at me!”

• The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

  Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages

• Shout out to my grandma since that's the only way she can hear you.

Hilarious Dark Humor Jokes

• "What's the deal with airline food?" -Said the Malaysian shark.

• "I sent my husband to the store for potatoes, and he was hit by a car."

  "It's horrible! And what are you going to do now?"

  "Don't know. Rice, probably."

• I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile, and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around".

• Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? To make sure they aren't mistaken for feminists.

• My girlfriend said nothing would make her happier than getting a ring on her birthday, so I got her nothing.

• A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, "I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!"

• Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

• My mom died when we couldn't remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to "be positive," but it's hard without her.

• My girlfriend called me a paedophile the other day. I was impressed; that's a big word for a 9 year old.

• My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it's working fine!

Twisted Dark Humor Jokes

• It's important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.

• Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

• What do you call an abortion in Prague? A cancelled Czech.

• A priest asks the convicted murderer in the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?".

• I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

• The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

• What did the Titanic say as it sank? I'm nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

• My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

• You're not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

• I made a website for orphans. It doesn't have a home page.

• The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

• Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he's dead.

• "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

• What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

• When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."

• What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.

• What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn't opened her present yet.

• "I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.

• My twin brother called from prison the other day and asked, “Hey, do you remember when we used to finish each other’s sentences?”

• They say the surest way to a man's heart is through the stomach. But I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

• What's the special dish in a restaurant for cannibals? Heads, shoulders, knees and toes.

• What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he won't come anyway.

• An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

• Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

• The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in.

• I was drinking a martini when the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed—well, except one person.

• I know a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds, though, and only once.

• Cremation. My final hope for a smokin' hot body!.

• Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.

• My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

• Did you hear about the elderly man who fell into a well? No? Yeah, apparently he couldn't see that well.

• I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women's rights shouldn't go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.

• I started crying when Dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.

• Why did the zombies get divorced? Their marriage was dead.

• I asked my wife to clean the oven. I probably should have turned it off first.

• I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

• I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

• My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

• My wife is mad that I ruined our anniversary. I'm not sure how; I didn't even know it was today.

• I took my family skydiving. I should have given them parachutes.

• If someone burns to death, do they get a discount on the cremation?

• My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed her.

• If you think I would joke about Alzheimer's, forget it.

• My wife told me she wants another baby. I told her, "That’s a relief; I don't really like this one anyway.

• What is yellow and can't swim? A dead goldfish.

• Why was Hellen Keller a bad driver? Because she was a woman.

• Stop elephant poaching. Everyone knows the best way to eat an elephant is grilled.

• Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He's all right now.

• Good moms let you lick the beaters when they're making a cake. Great moms turn them off first.

• Why don't women need passports? Because there is no border between the kitchen and the bedroom.

Dark Humor Jokes That Cross the Line

• What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.

• A man and a child are going for a walk in the woods. As it got dark, the child held the man's hand, saying "I'm scared". The man replied, "You're scared? I'm the one that has to make the walk back all by myself."

• Why do women have babies? Because it hurts and they deserve it!

• A rabbi, a lawyer and a Catholic priest are on a sinking ship.

  The rabbi says "oy! Save the children!"
  The lawyer says, "aah, screw the children."
  The priest says, "do you really think there's time for that?"

• What's the difference between an American and a Computer? Americans don't have trouble shooting.

• My mother told me, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” Terrible way to learn I’m adopted.

• I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

• My wife says making love is even better on vacation. I only wish she didn’t tell me via email.

• What did the cow say to the leather chair? “Hi Mom!”

• Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.

• I was blessed with a 9 inch penis. That priest is in jail now.

• Anyone can get buried when they die, if you want to be cremated you have to urn it.

• "If only Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year we could save millions of mosquitos dying needlessly of aids”.

• "Say what you will of the Nazis, but they did manage to do a lot of scientific research without harming any animals.”

• Why do black people only have nightmares? Because we shot the last one that had a dream.

• I went to see my surgeon, and he warned me it was going to hurt. He was right. He admitted to an affair with my wife.

• Where did Susie go during the bombing? Everywhere.

• What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a baby? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of the window.

• What's better than winning the Paralympics wheelchair race? Walking.

• I'm really conflicted about abortion. I mean, I'm all for killing babies, but do we really want to give women the right to choose?

• What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common? They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"

Dark Humor Jokes About Dads

• When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

• Son: "Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?" Dad: "Call me George".

• I wasn't close to my dad when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

• What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can't be found.

• If you don't like my humor, you can just do what my dad did...Leave

• A kid asks his dad 'Daddy, what's dark humor?" "Well," he said, "you see that fat kid get stuck in the baby swing?"

  "Dad, I'm blind..." The dad goes back to his newspaper. "You're welcome, son."

• I'll never forget my dad's last words, "Erase my search history, son."

• I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

• My dad went out for milk and never came back. It's no big deal though, I don't really like milk anyway.

• I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.

Morbid Dark Humor Jokes

• Have you heard the one about the school shooting? Never mind, it's aimed at a younger crowd.

• Why couldn't Stephan Hawking play Basketball? Because he's white

• What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? - Nothing, you’ve already told her twice.

• Why do you never see black people on cruise ships? They're not falling for that again.

• What is white on top and black below? Society

• How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5. 1 to change the lightbulb and the other 4 to beat the room for being black.

• How do you know if a country girl is a virgin? Have her and her brothers race. If she is faster than them she's a virgin.

• What's the difference between a church and a boy? The church doesn't scream when the priest goes inside it.

• What's worse than a baby in a trashbin? A baby in two trashbins.

• Dark joke is like a child with cancer: it never gets old!

• What’s the best way to get chewing gum out your hair? Cancer.

• What's the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories.

• Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you. That's the punch line.

• Three out of the five people suffer from a chronic disease. While the remaining two enjoy it.

• What's the difference between Adolph Hitler and Usain Bolt? Usain Bolt finished a race.

• “So I was in a Muslim party last night. It was a blast”.

• Two things never get old. Dark humor and unvaccinated kids.

• Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.

• Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So they don’t get mistaken for feminists.

• Why are Americans bad chess players? They lost two towers.

• How do you circumcise the redneck? Kick his sister in the jaws.

• Why do Chinese couple have Chinese babies? Because two Wongs don’t make a White.

• I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning. Being a sniper is awesome.

• What do the penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

• Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it.

• I got cancer and asked dad for a PS5 as a last wish? he rented one.

• I volunteered to help blind children today! That’s a verb not an adjective btw.

• Abortion isn’t murder. It’s just canceling your pre-order.

• You know they're trying to find out whether Liam Payne fell or was pushed? Doesn't really matter to be fair, he still only went in one direction.

• What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have either as a child, chances are you won't like it as an adult.

Dark Humor Jokes About Orphans

• Why don't orphans play hide and seek? Because who's going to look for them?

• Why can’t orphans go on school trips? They need their parents signature.

• Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.

• What does an orphan call a family photo? A wish-list.

• What are the benefits of being an orphan? Teachers can’t call your parents.

• What is the difference between apples and orphans? Apples get picked.

• What’s missing in an orphanage computer? The home screen.

• What’s missing in an orphanage computer? The motherboard.

• What do you call an orphanage taking a selfie? A family photo.

• What do you call it when an orphan gets kidnapped? A surprise adoption.

• Every orphan joke is dead, just like their parents.

Dark Humor Jokes Q & A Style

• Q: There is a Mexican and a black man in a car, who is driving the car?

  A: The Police.

• Q: Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with only one hand?

  A: She moans with the other.

• Q: What's the solution to world hunger?

  A: Stop feeding them! They wont be hungry much longer.

• Q: What's the difference between a suicide bomber and a feminist?

  A: One actually does something when triggered.

• Q: Why did Hitler cry when he got to Heaven?

  A: Because God gave him his gas bill.

• Q: What do you call a group of British people masturbating together?

  A: Union Jack.

• Q: Why life is like a box of chocolates?

  A: It doesn't last as long for fat people.

• Q: What do a pack of gum and a gun have in common?

  A: When you pull them out in class, everyone wants to be your friend.

• Q: Why are black guys so fast?

  A: All the slow ones are in jail.

Related: 30 Long Dark Humor Jokes