1- Missionary In Africa - Dark Jokes

There was once a missionary preaching in a small African tribe. The people there loved him and every day more were converted.

But one day, a white baby was born to one of the women in the the tribe.

The chief immediately sent for the missionary, and demanded to know why he had broken the commandments he had so lovingly taught to his people.

The missionary, having been a devout Christian his entire life, asked to see the child. Upon viewing the baby it became clear that this baby was an albino.

The missionary attempted to explain this to the chief saying: "chief, this child suffers from a condition of the skin which changed its color to white. As an example, look upon your flocks of sheep. All are white, except for one which is black"

The chief cuts him off, saying "ok, I won't tell about the baby, if you don't tell about the sheep"

2- Boy, Dad, & Masturbation - Dark Jokes

There was once a missionary preaching in a small African tribe. The people there loved him and every day more were converted.

But one day, a white baby was born to one of the women in the the tribe.

The chief immediately sent for the missionary, and demanded to know why he had broken the commandments he had so lovingly taught to his people.

The missionary, having been a devout Christian his entire life, asked to see the child. Upon viewing the baby it became clear that this baby was an albino.

The missionary attempted to explain this to the chief saying: "chief, this child suffers from a condition of the skin which changed its color to white. As an example, look upon your flocks of sheep. All are white, except for one which is black"

The chief cuts him off, saying "ok, I won't tell about the baby, if you don't tell about the sheep"

3- Boy, Girl, & The Railroad Track - Dark Jokes

A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks.

He untied her and they had sex.

Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in.

Friends give him props and ask if he got head. Guy replies "I couldn't find it.”

4- Sick Sick Guy - Dark Jokes

A guy calls in sick to work. His boss doesn't believe him and calls him back.

Boss says: "You don't sound sick".

Guy answers: "I'm in bed fucking my sister, is that sick enough for you?”

5- Lottery & The Nazis - Dark Jokes

The elderly Jew won the lottery and gave a portion of the winnings to a neo-Nazi organization.

When asked how he could do such a thing, he revealed his tattoo and said the Nazis gave him the winning numbers.

6- I Hate Cemeteries - Dark Jokes

Having recently lost my job I have been volunteering my spare time up at the local child cancer ward and in doing so have become good friends with a young 10 year old boy call Jimmy.

I sit with him and hold his hand as he has his chemotherapy, take him to the movies when he is feeling well enough and what little spare money I have, I spend on toys for him.

Today he asked me "if I will still come to visit him when he leaves the hospital?".

"Not a chance" I replied "I fucking hate cemeteries”

7- Good & Bad news - Dark Jokes

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Patient: Tell me the good.

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What on earth could be worse news than that?

Doctor: I found out yesterday and forgot to tell you.

8- Poor Cat - Dark Jokes

So a masochist, a pyromaniac, a necrophile, a sadist, a pedophile, and a zoophile are all standing in a jail cell. T

he zoophile says, "You know what I could really go for right now? Sex with a cat."

The pedophile says, "Even better: Sex with a kitten."

The sadist asks, "How about we beat the kitten up, and THEN have sex with it?"

The necrophile adds, "Alright let's beat a kitten to death, and then have sex with it."

Then the pyromaniac says, "Okay, how about we beat a kitten to death, light it on fire, and then have sex with it?"

After all of this the masochist finally speaks up and says, "Meow.”

9- Ginger Baby - Dark Jokes

A pregnant woman is involved in a car accident.

She wakes up 2 days later & the Dr tells her he has good & bad news about her baby.

"Ok, tell me the bad news first" so the Dr says "I'm afraid the baby was ginger"

She asks "and the good news?"

"It died an hour ago".

10- Black, White, & The Mexican - Dark Jokes

A black guy, a white guy and a Mexican are walking on the beach when they come across a magic lamp. They fight over the lamp and during the struggle a genie appears.

"Since you all rubbed the lamp you will each get one wish."

The black guy immediately steps forward and says "I wish me and all my black brothers and sisters were home in Africa, happy and healthy and wanting for nothing."

"Done!" Says the genie and the black guy disappears.

So the Mexican steps forward and says "I wish me and all the other Mexicans were home in Mexico, happy and healthy and wanting for nothing."

"Done!" Says the genie and the Mexican disappears.

The genie turns to the white guy who stands there thinking for a second and then he asks "So all the blacks are in Africa, and all the Mexicans in Mexico?"

"Yes." Says the genie.

The white guy shrugs and says "I guess I'll have a coke then."

11- Birth Control - Dark Jokes

A man takes his daughter in to the doctor. The doctor asks, "Why are you here?"

"My daughter needs birth control."

Doctor asks, "Oh, is she sexually active?"

"No, she just kind of lies there like her mum."

12- Not Much Time Left - Dark Jokes

Doctor: “I’m afraid I have some very bad news: You’re dying and don’t have much time left.”

Patient: “Oh, that’s terrible! Doc, how long have I got?”

Doctor: “Ten.”

Patient: “Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks?!”

Doctor: “Nine … eight…”

13- Digging The Garden - Dark Jokes

I was digging in our garden in the middle of the night when I found a chest full of gold coins.

I wanted to run inside the house and tell my wife about it … but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the middle of the night.

14- It's Dark In Here - Dark Jokes

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."

The man whispers, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy - "It's dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"

Boy - "$750."

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

15- What's A Dark Joke? - Dark Jokes

Girl: Grandma what's a dark joke?

Grandma: You see that disabled man over there, gift him these shoes.

Girl: But grandma! You know I am blind and cannot see.

Grandma: Exactly.

16- Kind-Hearted Millionaire - Dark Jokes

So there was this millionaire who was driving around in his Lamborghini and at a bus stop he sees there's a little kid eating grass.

Alarmed the guy rolls down his window and tells him, “Hey kid! You shouldn't be eating grass that's not healthy.”

The kid responds, “I'm sorry, but in my house there's nothing to eat.”

The man gets sad and says, “You know what I'm gonna take you to my house and we are going to find a solution.”

The kid gets happy for a second, but becomes sad again.

Concerned the man asks, “What's wrong?”

“I'm sorry sir, but can i take my siblings with me?”.

The man asks, “well, how many siblings do you have?”.

“I have 5 siblings, 3 sisters and 2 brothers”. The kid replies.

The millionaire's eyes grow large, but he says, “Okay that's a lot of people, but there's no problem kid that's okay”.

Finally, the kid says, “Oh! I forgot about my parents. Can they come too?”

The guy thinks for a few seconds and says, “You know what they can come, it's good that i haven't mow the lawn for a week.”

17- Bad News - Dark Jokes

A man goes to the doctor and the doctor walks in.

“I have some bad news”, the doctor says.

“Do I have cancer?”, the man asks.

“No your infertile” the doctor replies.

The man gets in his car to tell his wife the bad news.

“I have some bad news” he says.

The wife says, “I have some good news! I’m pregnant!”

“We’re getting a divorce!” The man says

18- Three Legged Pig - Dark Jokes

A farmer visits his friend down the road and as they are chatting, the visitor notices a 3-legged pig hobbling by the house.

“That’s a strange pig”, he says. “You bet”, says his friend. “A couple weeks ago that very pig noticed our house was on fire and he squealed until we woke up. Saved our lives. He’s a special pig for sure.

Then just last week my tractor upset and pinned me under it. Well, old piggy here ran back and squealed until Gladys followed him back and saved me again. Yep, a special pig.”

“Wow! That’s amazing! But tell me, why does he only have 3 legs?”

“Oh! Well, a pig that special, you don’t eat all at once.”

19- Big Momma & The Doc - Dark Jokes

Big momma goes to the doctors to fix her sore throat.

”Lay on the table and remove your underwear please” requests the doctor. He proceeds to unfold her genitalia.

“Excuse me doctor, but I only have a sore throat" she worriedly asks.

”I do apologize mam, but I just purchased a brown leather settee and wondered what it would look like with pink cushions”.

20- Priest & The Boy - Dark Jokes

A priest is driving down the road and sees a boy crying. Filled with pity he stops and gets out.

“Why are you crying?” He asks.

The boy points and says “My parents went over this cliff in their car and they’re dead.”

The priest looks over the cliff and sure enough they are dead. The priest pulls down his zipper. “This just isn’t your day, is it?” He says.

21- Nike & The Adidas - Dark Jokes

The other day I saw a black guy with Nikes on carrying a BRAND NEW $3000 TV on his shoulder.

I looked closely and thought, HEY, THAT'S MINE!

But then I remembered, mine wears ADIDAS.

22- Suicidal Girl & the Gentleman - Dark Jokes

A Guy is sitting in his car near the Heads in Watson's Bay Sydney (well known for people suiciding by jumping off the cliffs).

He noticed a pretty young girl pacing backwards and forwards, crying and looking over the edge.

He gets out of his car and says “excuse me miss, any chance of a quick romp in the bushes?”

She answers “you dirty pervert, what makes you say something so terrible?”

He replies “I just don't fancy the climb down there to do it”.

23- Child Birth Pain - Dark Jokes

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer pain of child birth to the Father.

He asks If it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%.

The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing.

They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%.

The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

24- Three Pregnant Women - Dark Jokes

Three very pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room of their OB's office knitting while waiting for their checkups.

The first woman takes a pill and says to the other two, "That was vitamin C so my kid grows up healthy."

The second woman then takes a pill and says, "That was iron, I want him to be strong."

Then the 3rd woman takes a pill and says, "That was thalidomide, while knitting this stupid thing I messed up the sleeves.”

25- The Only One - Dark Jokes

"Wife to husband of 20 years: 'Am I really the only one you've ever been with?'

Husband to wife: 'Absolutely! Before you, they were all nines and tens.'"

26- Who's Your Daddy? - Dark Jokes

My wife just found out she's adopted. She's devastated and kept asking "Why didn’t they want me?"

I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!" was a little insensitive.

27- Plenty Of Time - Dark Jokes

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?"

The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."

28- Jake On A Deathbed - Dark Jokes

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

29- 2 Drunk Guys at The Empire State Building - Dark Jokes

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."

1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you."

So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk.

30- Mafia Don, Bookkeeper, & The Lawyer - Dark Jokes

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million .

The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? "

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."