Top 30 Medical Jokes

1- Don't Worry Bill

A guy is about to undergo surgery.

Just as the anesthesia is about to be administered, he hears the surgeon speaking," Don't worry Bill. This is just a routine operation. There's absolutely nothing to worry about."

The guy looks over and says, "thanks, but my name isn't Bill"

The surgeon says, "I know. I'm Bill."

2- Politician's Brain

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."

The man says to the doctor "Okay, what are they?"

The doctor says "Well, first there's engineer brain, that's $100 an ounce. Then there's astrophysicist brain, that'll cost you $200 an ounce. Finally there's politician brain. That's the most expensive at $1000 an ounce."

The man looks at the doctor, surprised. "that's absurd! Why is the politician brain so expensive?"

The doctor turns to him and says "Sir, do you have any idea how many politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?"

3- Rectal Thermometer

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, “Well, that's great… some asshole's got my pen!"

4- Little Patient

5- Joe Severe headache

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36'.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'

6- Bob's Problem

The nurse asked Bob to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

“In front of you?” He asks, shy.

The nurse says: “Well no, but I’ve seen the human body before. The man said, “Not one like mine. You’d die laughing at my body.”

“Of course, I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay then,” said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.

In length and width, it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s private part, she composed herself as well as she could.

“I am so sorry,” she said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?

“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.

7- Anesthesiologist On Board

While still sitting on the runway, before the plane even takes off, a flight attendant announces, "Excuse me, do we have an anesthesiologist on board?"

An anesthesiologist does happen to be on the plane and she pushes the call button. "Yes? What's going on? Do you need an intubation?"

"Oh, no," the flight attendant reassures her, "but the surgeon in 3C needs you to put his tray table up for takeoff."

8- Good News For Mrs. Jones

9- Pediatrician & Plumber

So I had a plumber over to my house last week to fix some pipes.

After he finished he handed me the bill and my jaw dropped.

I said " I don't make that much and I am a Pediatrician".

He looked at me and said " I didn't make that much when I was a Pediatrician either".

10- Silent & Odorless Farts

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn't bother me much. My farts are always silent and never smell. probably farted 15 times since I've been here, and you didn't realize it."

The doctor says, "Interesting. Why don't you take these pills and come see me in a week?"

The old lady returns in a week and says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me. My farts are still silent, but my God, they stink!!"

The doctor says, "Excellent. Now that your sinuses are cleared, let's work on your hearing.

11- Not So Strong Gene

A man goes to his family doctor and says, "Doc, I've been wondering. Which gene is most responsible for cancer?"

The doctor replies, "I have a few questions first. Are you still smoking?"

Sheepishly, the man admits, "Yeah. I'm down to just a pack a day, but it's hard to quit."

"What about drinking?"

"A little less."

"Have you gotten your colonoscopy yet?"

"I've just been so busy..."

The doctor pushes his glasses down his nose and says, "Gene, I think we both know the answer to that question."

12- Oral vs Rectal Thermometer

13- Prostate Exam

A man is at the doctor's for a prostate exam.

The doctor says "just so you know, sometimes these exams lead to an erection. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable."

The patient says "it's ok doctor, I know that I'm not in control of every reaction my body has to stimuli, I won't be embarrassed."

The doctor pauses and looks confused. He then says "Oh! Right! I suppose the patient could get an erection, too."

14- Not There Yet

Patient: where are you taking me?

Doc: the morgue.

Patient: but I'm still alive!

Doc: we're not there yet...

15- Suppositories

Guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I have this medical problem."

Doc says, "OK, here's a prescription for some suppositories. Take one every day for a week and come see me again."

Week goes by, guy comes back, says, "Doc, these pills you gave me haven't done anything! WTF?"

Doc says, "Well, what have you been doing, swallowing them?"

Guy angrily, "What do you think I've been doing, shoving them up my ass?"

16- Hispanic Patient

17- Don't Count On It

A man is in the emergency room after an horrific accident.

A surgeon is examining his hand. He had already lost three of his fingers and the rest of his hand was in a bad way.

“Doc! I’m a taxi driver. Will I still be able to drive with this hand?”

“Maybe. But I wouldn’t count on it.“

18- Expensive Smile

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said "Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place..."

I asked "Are you single?"

She replied "No, I'm a dentist."

19- Surgeon & Anesthesiologist

Two doctors meet at the bar and decide to hook-up. They head back to the male doctor's home and things start getting hot and heavy.

Right before intercourse the female doctor gets up and goes to do a full surgical scrub. She climbs back into bed and they go at it.

Afterwards the male doc says "you must be a surgeon"

She says "correct! how did you know?"

He replies "because you did a scrub before sex. "

She thinks for a bit, then says to him "you must be an anesthesiologist"

Astonished he asks "how did you know??"

She replies "because I didn't feel a thing"

20- Anesthesiologist & Italian Mother

21- Not Needed For The Job

A hospitalist ran to catch an elevator, and as the doors were closing stuck his hands in between to keep them open.

The other rider says “man, you almost lost your hand”.

Hospitalist says “it’s okay I don’t really need it for my job”.

Next floor a surgeon runs to catch the elevator and stops the doors closing with his feet.

With a smile he says “it’s okay, I don’t really need it for my job”

Next floor an orthopedist comes flying to catch the elevator before the doors close, ...and sticks his head in between.

22- 3 Pregnant Women

Three very pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room of their OB's office knitting while waiting for their checkups.

The first woman takes a pill and says to the other two, "That was vitamin C so my kid grows up healthy."

The second woman then takes a pill and says, "That was iron, I want him to be strong."

Then the 3rd woman takes a pill and says, "That was thalidomide, while knitting this stupid thing I messed up the sleeves.”

23- Hunting Went Wrong

A man went hunting with his friend and set his shotgun against a fence in order to climb over it.

As he climbed over, his foot unintentionally kicked the shotgun, which discharged and hit him in the groin.

The next day he woke up in hospital and the doctor was summoned for him. "I've got good news and bad news," he was told by the doctor.

"Okay Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is your friend was quick thinking and got help straight away. We were able to stem the bleeding quickly and despite the damage you have good prospects for recovery."

"Well, that's a relief Doc. What's the bad news?"

"The bad news is the shotgun blast did quite a bit of damage to your penis. Our focus was on stopping the bleeding and saving your life, so unfortunately we weren't able to minimize the scope of the injury.

However, it's not all bad. Here's a card for my brother; he's got an office across town."

The man took the card and asked, "Oh, so your brother's a plastic surgeon then?"

"No, no. He teaches how to play the flute. He can show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

24- Dreams Do Come True

25- Flagyl Tablet

Nurse walks into the med-room and sees Metronidazole sobbing in the corner.

“WTH is wrong with him?”

“He’s just flagyl”

26- Duck Hunting

A group of physicians is duck hunting. Finally the first duck of the day flies overhead.

The internist takes aim but then says, “that thing looks like a duck, but it could also be a goose, or a quail, or a chicken, or even a…”, but by then the duck is out of range.

A few minutes later another duck appears overhead, and the radiologist sees it first and says, “that bird is consistent with a duck, but it is also consistent with a pheasant and a raven and a loon, somebody pass me the binoculars…”, but the duck flies away.

Then a third duck flies overhead and BOOM! the surgeon blows it out of the sky, and then turns to the pathologist and says, “Hey Fred what the hell was that thing I just shot?”

27- Pathologist On Board

A man falls dreadfully Ill on a plane. The Steward calls over the intercom. "Help, help! Is there a doctor on board?"

"I'm a doctor, but my specialty is pathology." A pathologist says.

"Can you help? This man is dying!" The Steward implores.

The pathologist replies. "That's fine, I can wait."

28- Psychiatric Evaluation

29- Urologist & Anesthesiologist

What’s the difference between a urologist and an anesthesiologist?

A urologist plays with somebody else’s penis during surgery.

30- Chemoncologists

Why do they put nails in coffins?

To prevent the oncologist from administering one last round of chemo