25 Of The Greatest Irish Jokes

If you’re ready for a good laugh and a little luck of the Irish, you’ve landed in the right pub-uh, page. We are here again to serve up humor as warm as a fresh loaf of soda bread and as bright as a shamrock in spring.

Whether you’ve got Irish roots, Irish friends, or just enjoy a good giggle with a side of charm, these jokes will have you laughing faster than you can say “sláinte!” Let the laughter begin!

1- Caught In Saudi Arabia

So, a German, an Englishman, and an Irishman found themselves in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of alcohol when the Saudi police caught them. Just having alcohol is a serious crime in Saudi Arabia, so they were all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the assistance of some skilled lawyers, they were able to have their sentences reduced to 20 lashes each with a whip.

As they were getting ready for their punishment, the Sheikh said, "Since today is my first wife's birthday, she has requested that each of you get one wish before your whipping."

The German was the first to go; after thinking for a moment, he said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." They did that, but after just 10 lashes, the whip had torn the pillow apart. When it was over, the German had to be carried away, bleeding and crying in pain.

Next up was the Englishman. After seeing what happened to the German, he asked, "Please tie two pillows to my back." This time it took 15 lashes, but again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away, bleeding and whimpering in pain.

Finally, it was the Irishman's turn, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh looked at him and said, "You come from the most beautiful place I have ever seen. Because of this, you can have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness," the Irishman replied. "For your kindness, my first wish is to have not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you a noble man from a beautiful island, but you are also courageous," the Sheikh said with respect. "If 100 lashes is what you want, then so be it. And what is your second wish?"

The Irishman replied, "Tie the Englishman to my back."

2- Stomachache

Mick, an Irish guy, visits the doctor because he's got a stomachache.

Doctor: "I can't find anything wrong; it must be the booze."

Mick: "I'll swing by when you're not drunk, Doc."

3- Bar Bet

An Irishman was on holiday and decided to pop into a local pub. He spots a jar filled with $50 bills. Curious, he asks the bartender what it’s for. The bartender explains it’s a bar bet. If he puts in $50, the bartender will serve him 20 pints of Guinness. If he manages to drink all 20 pints in less than 30 minutes, he gets to keep all the cash in the jar. If he fails, his $50 goes into the jar.

The Irishman says, "I’ll be right back."

He steps out and returns about 20 minutes later, slams a $50 bill on the bar, and exclaims, "Line 'em up!" Bartender obliges.

To everyone’s surprise, the Irishman downs all 20 pints in just under 30 minutes.

The bartender hands him the jar and says, "I never thought I’d see that! Hundreds have tried, and no one has even come close! I have to know, where did you go after I mentioned the bet?"

The Irishman answers, "I went to the pub down the street to make sure I could do it first!"

4- Crossing The Road

An Irishman found himself in the lively center of New York, eagerly waiting to cross a busy street. A traffic officer was directing the crossing with confidence.

After a few minutes, the officer stopped and shouted to the crowd, “Okay, pedestrians! Let’s get moving!”

The Irishman remained where he was, his excitement shifting to impatience. After five minutes, he couldn’t keep quiet any longer.

He yelled to the officer, “Hey! The pedestrians crossed a long time ago-when do the Catholics get their chance?!

5- Quit Drinking

An Irish guy heads to the States looking for a job and stumbles upon a pub he really likes. Every Friday, he walks in and orders the same thing: three glasses of Jameson.

After a few weeks, the bartender asks him why he always gets three separate glasses. "Well, my two brothers are back in Ireland, so I'm having a drink for them," he replies.

Then one week, he comes in and only orders two glasses of Jameson. The bartender notices this and realizes something's off.

"Sorry for your loss," the bartender says.

"Oh, my brother isn't dead," the guy replies. "I’ve just stopped drinking.”

6- Drinking Issues

An Irishman's wife heads out of town for the night. Knowing her husband has a drinking issue, she warns him not to hit the pub, or he’ll be in serious trouble.

As soon as she turned the corner, the Irishman made a beeline for the pub. He was completely wasted in no time, and before he realized it, the bar was about to close. The bartender shouted, "Shay, the bar is shutting down! You need to get going!"

Seamus attempted to get up and leave, but his legs gave way beneath him. "Crap, I'm so drunk I can't even stand!" He swore a bit more and tried again. Once more, his legs buckled. Frustrated, he crawled on his hands and knees until he finally made it outside. He managed to flag down a taxi and crawled into the back seat. When he got home, he tried to stand again, but his legs failed him once more. He crawled across the yard and somehow got into the house, where he dragged himself onto the couch and passed out.

The next morning, his wife woke him up, and she was furious. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SPENT THE WHOLE EVENING I WAS GONE GETTING DRUNK AT THE PUB!" After a few minutes of her scolding him, he got curious and asked, "How did you know I was at the pub?" She replied:

"Because they called me! You left your wheelchair there again!"

7- Charlie & the Friends

Charlie died in a fire and was burned pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Paddy and Sean, were sent for.

Paddy went in, and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Paddy said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Paddy looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Charlie."

The mortician thought that was rather strange, and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Charlie."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Charlie had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Charlie with them two assholes....'"

8- Fly In A Drink

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are at a bar, each ordering a beer, only to discover a fly in their drinks.

The Englishman exclaims, "Good heavens, barkeep! This place is disgusting, and I will never come back!" before storming out.

The Scot thinks about following him but decides against it, saying, "Oh, well, it's just a little fly," and carefully removes it from his glass before enjoying his beer.

The Irishman, however, grabs the fly, holds it over his drink, leans in, and yells, "SPIT IT OUT, MOTHER FUCKER!”

9- drinking Buddies

Pat and Mike had been pals and drinking buddies for a long time.

After a few drinks at a bar, Mike turned to Pat and said, "We've been friends for ages, and if I happen to kick the bucket before you, could you do me a solid? Get the finest bottle of Irish whiskey you can find and pour it on my grave."

Pat responded, "I'd be happy to do that for you, my old buddy. But would it be okay if I filtered it through my bladder first?"

10- Arm Robbery

Reilly faced trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman stepped forward and declared,

'Not guilty.'

'That's grand!' yelled Reilly.

'Can I keep the cash then?'

11- An Irish Priest

An Irish priest is on his way to New York when he gets pulled over for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper catches a whiff of alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle on the car floor.

He asks, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Only water,' replies the priest.

The trooper responds, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest glances at the bottle and exclaims, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

12- Irish Nuns & Hot Dog

Two Irish nuns were gearing up for a trip to America; it had always been their dream to see New York City. They decide to visit the parish priest, as he has been to New York, and they’re looking for some tips.

The parish priest tells them that when in New York, they absolutely have to try the hot dogs from one of the well-known street vendors. While exploring New York, the nuns stumble upon a hot dog vendor.

They each order a hot dog, and when the first nun opens hers, she looks completely shocked and quickly asks the second nun, "What part of the dog did you get?”

13- Paddy In Pain

Into a Belfast pub walks Paddy Murphy, looking like he just got hit by a train. His arm's in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is all cut and bruised, and he's limping along.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"I had a scrap with Jamie O'Connor," Paddy replies.

"That little punk, O'Connor," Sean says, "There's no way he did that to you; he must have had something in his hand."

"Oh, he did," Paddy says, "a shovel, and he sure gave me a whuppin' with it."

"Well," Sean says, "you should've fought back, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"I did," Paddy responds. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and let me tell you, it was a sight to behold, but not much use in a brawl.

14- Irishmen In A London Pub

One night, an Irishman is hanging out in a London pub when he hears a voice that sounds familiar.

He turns to the guy beside him and asks, "Are you Irish, then?"

The man happily replies, "That I am!"

The first guy says, "Let’s grab a whiskey! Where are you from?"

The man responds, "Dublin."

The first guy exclaims, "Me too! That means we need another drink, Bartender!"

The other guy inquires, "Where in Dublin?"

He answers, "Blanchardstown."

The other feller says, "No way! I went to school right there at St. Thomas!"

The Irishman responds, "So did I! That means we need another drink!"

The man asks, "Who was your teacher?"

He replies, "Miss O'Connor."

The Irishman exclaims, "Holy Mother of God, she taught me too! Bartender, another round if you please!"

At that moment, another man walks into the pub and takes a seat at the bar.

The bartender goes over to him, and he asks, "Evening, Wayne, anything new happening tonight?"

The bartender replies, "Not much, just the Murphy twins getting drunk again."

15- Priorities

O’Connell was wobbling his way home with a tiny bottle tucked in his back pocket when he lost his balance and took a hard fall.

As he tried to get back up, he noticed something wet trickling down his leg.

"Please, God," he pleaded, "let it be blood!”

16- Three Wishes

An Irishman strolls along the beach when he stumbles upon a magic lamp. He gives it a rub, and out comes a genie who tells him he can have 3 wishes.

The Irishman says, “For my first wish, I want a pint of Guinness that never runs out.”

The genie makes it happen, and the Irishman takes the pint glass, downs it, and it instantly refills.

“What about your next two wishes?” the genie inquires.

“I’ll take two more of those,” the Irishman answers.

17- Drunk Driving

On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a bit too much to drink was driving home from the city, swerving all over the road. A cop stopped him. "So," the cop asked the driver, "where have you been?"

"Oh, just at the pub, of course," the drunk slurred.

"Well," the cop replied, "it seems like you've had quite a bit to drink tonight."

"I did fine," the drunk said with a grin.

"Did you know," the cop said, standing tall and crossing his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank goodness," the drunk sighed. "For a second, I thought I was going deaf."

18- Miles From Dublin

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean, and Seamus, were making their way home from the pub late one night and ended up on the road that went by the old graveyard.

“Come check this out,” says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless him. He lived to a grand old age of 87.”

“That’s nothing,” says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he passed away.”

Just then, Seamus shouts, “Good God, here’s a guy who made it to 145!”

“What was his name?” asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to read what else is on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.

19- Last Wish

Mary Clancy heads over to Father O’Grady’s after his Sunday morning service, and she’s crying.

He asks, "What’s wrong, Mary, my dear?"

She replies, "Oh, Father, I have some awful news. My husband died last night."

The priest responds, "Oh, Mary, that’s awful. Did he have any last wishes?"

She says, "He did, Father…"

The priest inquires, "What did he want, Mary?"

She answers, "He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down that damn gun!’"

20- Question

An English lawyer was sitting with his Irish client, feeling a bit curious. "Marty," he said with a smile, "why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he just fires another question back at you?"

‘That’s nonsense. Who said that to you?’ replied Marty.

21- Savage Brewmaster

The brewmasters from three big beer companies decided to skip the beer festival and head to a local pub...

First up was the guy from Mexico. He strolls in, heads to the bar, and says, "Hola, bartender, I’d like the best beer in the world. A Dos Equis, please."

Next was the fellow from Holland. He says, "Bartender, I want the best beer in the world, a Heineken."

Finally, we have the head of Guinness Brewery from St. James Gate in Dublin. He scans the place and then orders, "Bartender, I’ll take a Coke, please."

The other two look at him in confusion and eventually ask, "Why a Coke?"

The Guinness brewmaster replies, "Well, I thought if you guys aren’t drinking beer yet, I could wait a little longer."

22- Strict Routine

Two Irishmen were hard at work in the public works department, and their routine was quite a sight to see! One would eagerly dig a hole, while the other would happily come along and fill it back in.

Before long, a curious bystander couldn’t resist asking, “Why do you dig a hole, only to have your friend fill it in right after?”

With a big grin and a twinkle in his eye, the hole digger wiped his forehead and replied, “It may seem a bit odd, but we’re usually a fantastic three-person crew! Sadly, the guy who plants the trees is feeling under the weather today!

23- Devil's Sister

Padraic Flaherty would stumble home drunk every night around ten. The Missus was never thrilled about it, either. One evening, she decided to hide in the cemetery to give him a good scare.

As poor Pat wandered by, she jumped out from behind a tombstone in a red devil costume, yelling, “Padraic Sean Flaherty, if you don’t quit your drinking, I’ll take you straight to hell!”

Pat, unfazed, staggered back and shouted, “Who the hell are you?”

The Missus shot back, “I’m the devil, you old fool.”

To which Flaherty replied, “Pleased to meet you, sir. I’m married to your sister.

24- Horrible Accident

One evening, Mrs. Connor opens the door to find her husband's best buddy, Rory, on the porch.

"Hey, Rory, but where's my husband? I thought he went with you to the beer factory."

Rory shook his head. "Oh, Mrs. Connor, there was a horrible accident at the beer factory. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned."

Mrs. Connor begins to cry. "Oh, please don’t say that, did he at least go quickly?"

Rory shakes his head. "Not really – he got out three times to pee!"

25- Parking Spot

On a busy evening, an Irishman is searching for a parking spot outside his neighborhood pub, but he is unable to locate any.

"Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday as a good Catholic should," he says, gazing up at the sky.

Lo and behold, a space opens up right in front of him, at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."