Looking for some legal comedy gold that’s so funny it should probably come with a warning? Well, you’re in the right courtroom! Our collection of 30 hilarious law jokes aren’t here to argue the facts—they are here to serve up some serious laughs.

Whether you’re a lawyer taking a break from defending justice, a law student procrastinating on case briefs, or someone who are not a big fan of lawyers, these jokes are guaranteed to be more entertaining than an episode of Law & Order.

Get ready to adjourn your serious side and put a smile on your face because these law jokes are ready to rule the day. Case closed!

1- Lawyer & Chiropractor

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.

The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”

2- Wealthy Man & Trusted Aides

A wealthy man on his death bed called his three trusted aides-- his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer-- to make a final request.

"Who knows what I will find on the other side? Just to be sure, I am giving you each fifty thousand dollars and I ask that you place an envelope with that amount in my casket."

All three took the money and agreed to fulfill his wish. He died soon thereafter and at the funeral each friend slipped an envelope into the casket. After the burial, the three walked together from the grave.

The doctor said, "My friends, I have a confession to make; since the hospital was short of funds for treating the poor I only put 40,000 dollars in the envelope and donated the other 10,000 to our indigent fund."

The priest then said, "I too have to confess that I gave 25,000 dollars to the homeless and only put twenty five thousand in the casket."

The lawyer looked both his friends straight in the eye and said, "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you failed to keep your solemn promise to our dear departed friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full 50,000 dollars."

3- Materialistic Lawyer

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. “Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.

“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”

“Oh my god,” replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex!”

4- Engineer In Hell

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action.

The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high-def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?

The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."

"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."

The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."

God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Good luck finding a lawyer".

5- Honest Judge

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

6- Lawyer & The Blonde

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

7- Lawyer Present

“I won’t say anything without my lawyer present.”

“But sir, you are the lawyer”.

“Exactly, where’s my present?”

8- Sandwiches

Two lawyers went into a restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their bags and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

9- Lawyer In Heaven

A famous lawyer, who had been a public defender for years, dies. He finds himself standing at the back of an enormous queue outside the gates of Heaven. The queue before him is enormous. The number of people who die in a single day appalls him. He can barely see St. Peter sitting up on a podium outside the gates with a large book.

Every now and then St Peter glances down the queue to see how he is going. Suddenly he catches the eye of the lawyer. He looks very surprised. He jumps down from the podium and comes running along the line until slightly out of breath he arrives beside the lawyer. He embraces him. He pulls him out of the queue and motions for him to come to the front of the queue.

Another person questions what is happening and another angel speaks to the person. Word is passed along the queue and the lawyer is surprised, as people start nodding and clapping. He becomes embarrassed by all the attention and asks St Peter why he is getting the special attention.

St Peter stops suddenly and looks concerned. “You are a lawyer aren’t you?’

“Yes” the lawyer replies. “Does this happen to all lawyers in heaven?”

“Oh, no,” said St Peter. “It’s just you are the first one to ever get here.”

10- Punishment

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman.

“What a rip-off,” the man muttered. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman.”

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

11- Assholes

This guy walked into a bar and shouted for all to hear, “Lawyers are ASSHOLES!”

A man in the back of the bar stood up and shouted back at him “I take exception to that statement and I resent it greatly!”

The first guy said “Are you a Lawyer?”

The man responded “No, I’m an asshole!”

12- Jury Trial

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial.

“Jury trial,” the defendant replied.

“Do you understand the difference?” asked the judge.

“Sure,” replied the defendant. “That’s where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one.”

13- Cross Examination

The lawyer was cross-examining a witness. “Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were given $10,000 to throw this case?”

The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction – no response.

Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”

“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”

14- Lawyer & An Honest Man

A father and a son are visiting a deceased family member in a graveyard.

On the way out the son asks why they bury two people in one grave.

The father asks his son why he says that and the son replies, “Well, that gravestone says ‘Here lays a lawyer and an honest man."

15- Solicitor

An IT expert asked a user to choose a password of 8 characters.

The user replied: “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves”.

“I can see that you are a Solicitor.”

“Yes, you’re right. But how did you know?”

“The answer you gave is 100% accurate and 100% useless.”

16- Honorable Judge

A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor.

The senior partner was horrified. “The judge is an honorable man,” he said, “If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!”

Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyers favor.

“Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked.

“Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. “I just enclosed my opponents business card with them.”

17- Oldest Profession

A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated pub discussion about which of their professions is actually the oldest.

The surgeon says: “Surgery is the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can’t go back further than that.”

The architect says: “Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can’t go back any further than that!”

The lawyer smiles and says: “Gentlemen, Gentlemen…who do you think created the CHAOS??!!”

18- Can Of Peaches

A woman goes in front of a judge. The judge said, "Why are you here today?"

She said, "I stole a can of peaches."

The judge said, "How many peaches are in the can?"

She said, "Six."

The Judge said, "Ok, you spend six days in jail then."

The lady’s husband quickly stood up and asked the judge if he could speak on her behalf.

"Sure," said the judge.

"She stole a can of peas too!"

19- Appeal

A lawyer passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodation. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only option was to appeal.

The lawyer immediately said that he intended to appeal, but was then told he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The lawyer protested that a three year wait was ridiculous, but his words fell on deaf ears.

The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willing to change the venue to Hell.

When the lawyer asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, “We have all of the judges.”

20- No More Lawyers

A man is walking down the beach alone angry about his recent divorce when he finds an old oil lamp. He picks it up, rubs it, and out comes a genie.

“Congratulations! I am the genie of the lamp. I must now grant you three wishes.”

The man, angry, thinks for a minute and says, “I just got taken for a lot of money in my divorce all because of my wife’s lawyer. For my first wish, I want there to be no more lawyers in the world.”

The genie nods and says, “It is done. There are no more lawyers in the world. You have no more wishes.”

The man, indignant, says, “What!? That was my first wish, but you told me I was entitled to three!”

The genie returns to his lamp responding, “What are you going to do about it, sue me?”

21- Successful Lawyer

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. So one of their volunteers called the lawyer to ask for a donation, saying “our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn’t you like to give back to your community through charitable donation?”

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: “First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the volunteer mumbles, “Uh, no.”

“Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken volunteer begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.

“Thirdly, that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful traffic accident,” the lawyers voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?”

The humiliated volunteer, completely beaten, says simply, “I had no idea.”

The lawyer then says “…and if I don’t give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?”

22- Cheapest Fee

Client walks into the lawyers office and asks, "what is your cheapest fee?"

Lawyer’s response is $300.

The client asks, "what do I get for $300?"

"You get to ask three questions, what is your third question?"

23- Unbelievable Deal

An attorney was in the office working late one night, certain he would lose tomorrow’s trial and be disbarred.

Suddenly, a grinning devil appeared and offered him the deal of a lifetime: “I will make you rich and powerful, you will win every case, your clients and colleagues will love you, judges will want to be you. BUT you will have to give up your soul, your wife’s soul, your parents souls, and kill your dog and all your friends, a mere trifle for such success.”

The attorney contemplated for some time then responded, “But what’s the catch?”

24- Lawyer & Sherriff

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than a sheriff from West Virginia.

The sheriff asks for license and registration.

The lawyer asks, "What for?"

The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently.

The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle."

The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.

The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

25- Lawyer & Doctor

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor is shocked but agrees to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

26- Three Wishes

An old man visits an antique shop and happens upon a beautiful lamp. He takes it home and starts to polish it, and a genie pops out. The old man is so excited because he knows what this means: he gets three wishes.

He asks the genie if that’s true and the genie says, “it’s true you get three wishes, but there’s one catch: whatever you wish for, every lawyer in the world will get twice as much.”

The man thinks about it for a little while and says “Okay, I’m ready. For my first wish, I want my own palace, fit for a king.”

The genie says, “Okay, but you understand every lawyer is going to have two palaces.”

The man says “I understand.”

A giant palace appears in the horizon and the genie tells him “your wish is my command, this palace is yours.”

“For my second wish,” the man says, “I want my own gold mine, filled with more gold than I could ever spend.”

And the genie says, “as long as you understand that every lawyer will have a gold mine twice as big, your wish is my command.”

Then the genie asks, “Okay, for your third wish?”

And the man smiles sheepishly. “I want to be beaten half to death.”

27- Lawyer Conundrum

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Jim, you be first,” she said “What does your mother do for a living?”

“She’s a doctor,” Jim replied proudly.

What about you Susie?” she asked.

“My father is a mailman,” Susie answered.

“What does your father do Billy?” “He plays piano at a whorehouse,” Billy said as though it was the greatest job in the world.

The teacher was shocked and immediately changed the subject to history.

After school, the teacher went to Billy’s house. His father answered the door. The teacher explained what Billy had said, and demanded an explanation. Billy’s father said, “I’m actually a lawyer, but how am I going to explain that to an eight-year-old.

28- Not A Real Attorney

While walking through a courthouse, a kid enters an empty courtroom. He sees a fine leather briefcase (the kind the lawyers carry) sitting on the table, picks it up and exits through the back door of the courtroom into the judge’s chambers. And who should be sitting there; the judge.

Judge: Hey kid, are you familiar with the liquor store across the street from the courthouse?

Kid: (nods).

Judge: Good, I want you to go across the street and steal me a bottle of booze.

The kid runs across the street, enters the liquor store, and when the proprietor is not looking, slips a fifth into the briefcase and brings it back to the judge. The judge immediately opens the bottle and swigs half of it.

Judge: Hey kid, I need you to run another errand. There’s a contractor, Slapdash Construction, next to the liquor store. Go to them and tell them that the judge sent you. They’ll give you a brown paper bag. Bring it back to me.

The kid runs to Slapdash Construction, tells them that the judge sent him, receives a brown paper bag filled with fifties and hundreds, puts it into the briefcase and takes it to the judge.

Judge: Kid, you did great. Now unzip my fly.

The kid unzips the judge’s fly. Judge: Now take it out and—

Kid: Hey wait a minute mister. I’m not a real attorney; I just found this briefcase in the courtroom!!!

29- Defendant's Lawyer

A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” he said, “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty!’ So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!”

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, “Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant’s lawyer.”

30- Lawyer & The Mafia Boss

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million .

The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? "

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."