Top 30 Best Animal Jokes

1- Intelligent Dog

A man arrives early to a movie, and is soon joined by a stranger and his dog.

As the movie starts, the dog is incredibly attentive, and seems to understand: smiles at the jokes, whines at the sad parts, etc.

As the movie ends, the first man turns to the dog owner and says "Excuse me, but your dog seems incredibly intelligent.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say he enjoyed the movie."

The dog owner turns to him and says, "I was surprised too! He hated the book."

2- Talking Dog

A guy walks into the bar and says, “I have a talking dog.”

The bartender says, “no you don’t.”

Guy says, “I’ll bet you a beer that I do.”

Bartender says, “you’re on.”

So the guy puts his dog on the stool next to him and says, “what does sandpaper feel like?” And the dog says, “rough!”

The bartender says, “no I don’t think so.”

The guy says, “OK, what is on top of a house?” And the dog says “roof!”

The bartender, getting more and more annoyed, says, “that’s not talking. That’s just dog sounds.”

So the guy says, “fine. I’ll ask him a tough one. Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?” And the dog says, “Ruth!”

The bartender loses his patience and shouts, “that’s it! You’re out of here!” and kicks the guy and the dog out of the bar.

As they’re walking out, the dog turns to the guy and says, “how was I supposed to know he like DiMaggio?”

3- Jesus Is Watching You

A thief enters a house at night, intending on robbing the entire place.

In the dark, he starts hearing, "Jesus is watching you... Jesus is watching you..."

Panicked, he looks around for the source of the whisper, when he finds a parrot in a cage, with the name "Moses" pinned on it.

Relieved, he says, "Who's the idiot who named a parrot Moses?"

The parrot answers: "The same idiot that named the Pitbull Jesus".

4- Kangaroo Or Empire State Building

5- Working With The Animals

“I love working with animals” he says to his date.

She replies, “wow I love a guy who is an animal lover! Where do you work?”

He replies, “i am a butcher.”

6- Mind Your Language

Interviewer: "Are you ready for your interview?"

Man: "Yes!"

Interviewer: "Name?"

Man: "Abu Jamal."

Interviewer: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Interviewer: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."

Interviewer: "Holy cow!"

Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."

Interviewer: "But isn't that hostile?"

Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."

Interviewer: "Oh dear!"

Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.”

7- McGregor's Conundrum

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."...

"But ye fuck ONE sheep ....."

8- Investigator

9- Damn Fish

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'"

The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way."

He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.

He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!”

10- Prayers Answered

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days.

The lion starts chasing the two men.

They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord."

He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.

As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”

11- Talking Frog

A 92 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog.

He picks up the frog and the frogs says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.”

The old man puts the frog in his pocket. The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.”

The old man looks at the frog and says, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

12- Curious Elephant

13- Pampered Monkey

A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo."

The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.

The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!"

The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema.”

14- Dog vs Lion

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

The lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Humm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher than he looks, I better leave while I can".

Over by the treetop, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. The monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened, and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".

They start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realizes what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago...”

15- Converting The Bear

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.

“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

16- Worst Day

17- 6 Leg Chicken

A man was driving along the motorway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 60 mph.

He accelerated to 70, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, but the chicken overtook him. Then the man noticed that the chicken had six legs. So he followed the chicken, speeding all the way, and ended up at a farm.

He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens on the farm had six legs.

When he spotted the farmer he asked him, "Where did you get these chickens?"

The farmer replied "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a six-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."

The man was impressed and asked him how they tasted.

The farmer said, "Don't know, I haven't caught one yet."

18- Magician & The Parrot

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week.

However, there was a problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day, the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another. Finally, after a week, the parrot said, "Okay, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?”

19- Rover In Trouble

A young man has been dating a young woman he really likes for a few months, and she invites him to meet her parents. They go to her parents' home for dinner, and he is introduced to the family pet Rover, an old Labrador.

Everything is going well and he's enjoying the meal, when all of a sudden, the guy is overcome with a need to fart. Oh gosh, what is he going to do? He's trying to impress her parents!

He suppresses it for a while, but the pressure is growing. Eventually, he decides he has to relieve it a bit, and ever so carefully, he releases just a little bit of gas.

About 15 seconds later, his girlfriend's father pauses mid-sentence to bark "Rover!" at the dog, and continues speaking. Rover is lying in the corner of the room, between the boyfriend and the father, and fortunately, it seems that the father thinks that it's Rover who's farting.

A few minutes later, the boyfriend risks releasing a little bit more.

Another 15 seconds or so after that, as the odor spreads, the father again hollers: "Rover!"

Conversation continues, and the boyfriend is mightily relieved that he seems to have gotten away with releasing some of the pressure in his bowels, without embarrassing himself in front of his girlfriend's parents.

Eventually he risks releasing all of the remaining pressure, as quietly as he can.

A few seconds later, the father roars: "For God's sake, Rover, move out of the way before this boy shits all over you!"

20- Gorilla Nostrils

21- Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink.

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE.

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging. The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approaches and asks the chicken “Are you part of this joke?”

“Yeah.” the chicken replies.

Again, he points to the sign: NO JOKES SERVED HERE.

The chicken argues “Well then how’s a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?”

The bartender moves his pointed finger from the sign to the window. “There’s another bar across the road.”

22- Cow With No Horns

A blonde sees a cow with no horns.

So she asks the farmer, "Excuse me, but why doesn’t this cow have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns.

Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns.

Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and too dangerous to handle and be around.

Yet another reason is because sometimes when they are calves we put a type of acid where the horns are growing and this stops the horns from forming."

The blonde then points and asks, "OK, but what about that cow, why doesn't it have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, the reason why THAT particular cow has no horns is because it's a horse."

23- Bob In Trouble

A woman goes to a pet store and sees a parrot on sale.

“Why so cheap?” she asks and the owner says, “This parrot was raised in a house of ill repute and he picked up some bad language.”

This doesn’t bother the woman, so she buys the parrot, brings it home, and sets up its cage in the kitchen.

The parrot looks around, looks at the woman and says, “New house, new madam.”

She has a good laugh at this. Her two teenage daughter walk in and the parrot says, “New house, new madam, new hookers.”

The woman explains the circumstances and they all have a good laugh.

Just then the woman’s husband walks in. The parrot says, “Hi, Bob.”

24- Pampered Cow

25- Cautious Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

26- Comfortable

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499.

Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.

She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."

Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'”

27- Financially Sound Dog

Two men are talking about animals.

One says to the other, ‘I know of a dog worth $10,000.’

‘Really?’ replies the other. ‘Who would have thought a dog could save so much.’

28- Why Chicken Why?

29- One Hell Of A Party

503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

502.

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Open door, put elephant in, close door.

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?

The giraffe. He's in a fridge.

Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?

The gators are at the party.

Sally dies anyway. Why?

She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

30- Shit Zoo

A man goes to a zoo, but the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

It was a shih tzu.