18 New Year’s Jokes to Start the Year Laughing

New year, same sense of humor-thankfully. If you’re ready to laugh your way into the next 12 months, you’ve come to the right place. This blog rounds up 18 New Year’s jokes guaranteed to kick off the year with smiles, giggles, and maybe even a snort-laugh or two.

Whether you’re still recovering from last night’s celebrations or already breaking your resolutions, these jokes are the perfect way to start the year on a funny note. Cheers to fresh laughs and even funnier days ahead!

New Year's Resolution

At the gym today, I asked a woman what her New Year’s resolution was.

She said, ‘fuck you.’

I’ve never been more excited for 2026.

Happy New Year

A guy strolls into a bar on New Year's Eve, brimming with excitement, and orders a glass of bubbly champagne.

"Happy New Year!" he exclaims with a big grin.

The bartender chuckles, "Whoa there! It's still a few hours away!"

"Oh, my bad!” the guy apologizes. "My physician told me I sometimes suffer from premature congratulations.”

Weight Scale

A wife decides to support her husband's New Year's resolution to lose weight by gifting him a scale!

Fast forward just a week, and the husband excitedly exclaims, "Honey, this scale is awesome! Not only can I track my weight, but I just discovered I can weigh how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!"

The wife beams with excitement and responds, “That’s amazing! I never even thought of that! So, you hop on the scale before you hit the loo, then again afterward, and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

With a confused look, the husband replies, “... yeah, I guess I could do it that way!”

Drinking Party

A guy who's had too much to drink finds himself in jail on New Year's Eve.

He looks at the first cop he spots and asks, "What am I doing here?"

The officer responds, "You're here for drinking."

The man, still slurring, replies, "Awesome! When do we kick things off?”

Dreams

A woman decided to take a nap on New Year’s Eve.

When she woke up, she said to her husband, “I just had a dream where you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s gift. What do you think that means?”

He responded, “Aha, you’ll find out tonight!”

At midnight, her husband presented her with a small gift wrapped in nice paper. Thrilled, she tore it open quickly, but was even more astonished: Inside was a book called The Meaning of Dreams.

An Irish Girl

An Irish girl returns to her dad's farmhouse for New Year's Eve. Her father asks, "Where have you been all this time? Why didn’t you write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t you call?"

Crying, the girl responds, "Dad, I became a prostitute."

"What!? Get out of here, you shameless harlot! You’re a disgrace to this family."

"Alright, Dad. If that’s what you want. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, the title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, and a savings certificate for $4 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you, Dad, the shiny new Mercedes limited edition convertible parked outside, plus a country club membership and an invite for you all to enjoy a fun New Year’s Eve on my new yacht in the Riviera."

"Now, what was it you said you had become, again?" asked the dad.

The girl, crying again, replied, "A prostitute, Dad!"

"Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and hug your old man!

Progress

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender asks, "How's your New Year's resolution going?"

The man replies, "It's going great! I hit the gym today, and I've already lost 10 pounds."

He then adds, "But honestly, I have no clue where I left those weights!”

Sheep Farm

My New Year's resolution is to start my own sheep farm.

I've found the ideal spot in Seattle and have already moved there.

Now, I'm just waiting for my first sheep to arrive.

For now, I’m a bit sheepless in Seattle!

Time Zone

Putin announced a plan to unify all the time zones in Russia.

After this decision, the Prime Minister approached him and said, “Dear Putin, I ran into an issue. I called my relatives in the east to wish them a good night, and they told me they were enjoying the sun on the beach.”

He added, “Then I reached out to my family in Kaliningrad to wish them a happy holiday, and they told me the holiday had already passed.”

Finally, he said, “I even called Xi Jinping to wish him a happy new year, and he responded, ‘What? It’s still the old year!’”

Putin nodded sympathetically and replied, “I’ve had similar problems. I reached out to Prigozhin’s family to offer my condolences, only to find out we hadn’t even eliminated him yet.”

Phase 1

At a New Year's party, John turns to his friend Dave and asks for a smoke.

“I thought you said you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,” Dave replies.

“I’m working on it,” John grins. “I’m in phase one.”

“Phase one?” Dave asks, puzzled.

“Yeah,” John laughs. “I’ve stopped buying them!”

VIP

A man entered his neighborhood bar on New Year’s Eve and ordered a drink.

As midnight drew near, he lifted his glass to make a toast, saying, “Let’s start this year next to the person who made the last year worthwhile.”

As soon as the clock struck midnight, the poor bartender was nearly crushed to death.

Sawdust

Julie asked Diana what she remembered from the New Year's Eve party they attended the night before.

Diana replied, "I drank a lot and ended up passing out. When I woke up, I found myself in the middle of Central Park, completely naked, with my head shaved. My body was covered in bright orange paint, and I was buried under a pile of sawdust."

Julie responded, "Wow, I don't recall using any sawdust!”

Christmas Gifts

On New Year's Eve in the courtroom, the judge asks, "Why are you here?"

The person in the accused seat replies, "I received some Christmas gifts from the department store across the street."

The judge then turns to the prosecutor, looking confused, and says, "That's a nice thing, so what's going on here?"

The prosecutor responds, "He got those gifts two hours before the store opened, Your Honor.”

Lecture

A man who had a little too much to drink decides to walk home on New Year’s Eve. A police officer stops him and asks, “Where are you headed?”

“I’m going to a lecture,” the man replies.

The officer laughs, “Who gives lectures on New Year’s Eve?”

“My wife does,” the man says.