Top 10 Funniest Jokes Of July

Summer is well and truly here. My palms (along with the other body parts) are sweaty. Unfortunately there's no mom spaghetti to get us through this tough time but what we do have is our collection of 10 of the hottest jokes of July. Why?, you might ask ask. Well because if you're going to be hot, sweaty, and questioning your life choices under the blazing sun, you might as well laugh while doing it.

Whether you're melting into your lawn chair, fusing to your car seat, or considering living inside your fridge, these jokes are here to keep your spirits high and your armpits... well, still sweaty, but entertained. Enjoy and don't forget to share them with the hot ones in your list.

1- Well-Connected Mike

One day, Mike was boasting to his boss, saying, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

His boss, tired of the bragging, decided to call him out, " Alright, Mike, how about Michael Jordan?"

"No worries, boss, Jordan and I go way back, and I can prove it." So they hopped on a plane to Chicago and knocked on Michael Jordan's door.

Jordan opened up and exclaimed, "Mike! What’s up? Awesome to see you! Come in for a beer!"

Even though Mike's boss was impressed, he still had his doubts. After leaving Jordan's place, he told Mike he thought it was just a lucky coincidence.

"No way, just name someone else," Mike insisted.

"How about President Obama?" his boss shot back.

Absolutely," Mike replied, "We’re old pals, let’s head to Washington," and off they went. At the White House, Obama spotted Mike during the tour and waved them over, saying, "Mike, what a surprise! I was just heading to a meeting, but you and your friend should come in for a beer first and catch up."

Now, Mike's boss was really shaken but still not fully convinced. After leaving the White House, he voiced his skepticism again, and Mike urged him to name anyone else.

"Pope Francis," his boss said.

"Of course! I’ve known the Pope for years," Mike replied. So they flew off to Rome.

Once at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square, Mike said, "This isn’t going to work. I can’t get the Pope’s attention in this crowd. But I know all the guards, so let me go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He vanished into the throng heading towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later, Mike came out with the Pope on the balcony. But when he returned, he found his boss had suffered a heart attack and was surrounded by paramedics.

Rushing to his boss's side, Mike asked, "What happened?"

His boss looked up and said, "It was the last straw... you and the Pope came out on the balcony, and the guy next to me said, “Who the FUCK is that on the balcony with Mike?!'”

2- Quick Thinking

A guy strolled into the produce aisle of his neighborhood supermarket and asked if he could buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him they only had whole heads available. The man insisted that the boy check with his manager about it.

So, the boy went to the back room and said to his manager, "Some jerk wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

Just as he finished, he turned around and saw the man right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman generously offered to take the other half." The manager gave the green light, and the man left satisfied.

Later, the manager caught up with the kid and said, "I was really impressed with how you handled that situation earlier. We appreciate quick thinkers around here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy answered.

"Oh, what made you leave Canada?" the manager inquired.

The boy replied, "Sir, it’s just full of whores and hockey players up there."

"No way!" exclaimed the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The kid shot back, "No kidding??? Which team did she play for?"

3- High Ceiling

A handsome guy is chilling at a bar, enjoying a whiskey. He spots a stunning woman at the far end, chatting with her friend. He waves over a waiter and sends them both a martini, along with a note asking for the beautiful woman's phone number.

A little while later, the friend approaches with a note. It says: "Unless you’ve got a Mercedes parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and eight inches in your pants, you’re not getting anything from me."

The guy finishes his drink, pondering his reply. He scribbles something on a piece of paper, hands it to the friend, and walks out:

"Actually, I’ve got about $300k in the bank; most of my wealth is tied up in the three dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I’m driving the Porsche; the Benz, Hummer, and Lamborghini are at my summer place.

But if you think I’m going to chop off two inches for you, you can take a hike."

4- Charlie Hidden Secret

Charlie died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

His two best friends, Paddy and Sean, were sent for.

Paddy went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Paddy said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Paddy looked and said "Nope, it ain't Charlie."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Charlie."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Charlie had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Charlie with them two assholes....'"

5- Revenge

Two statues—a man and a woman—had been standing across from each other in a park for centuries. One day, a kind old wizard passed by and, feeling sorry for them, decided to bring them to life—for 30 minutes only.

As soon as they came alive, they looked at each other, grinned, and dashed into the bushes. Strange noises, giggles, and rustling leaves followed.

Ten minutes later, they emerged, breathless and laughing. The wizard smiled and said, "You’ve still got 15 minutes left if you want to go again."

The male statue turned to the female statue and said, “Alright—but this time, you hold the pigeon, and I’ll shit on it!”

6- Leap Of Faith

A guy strolls into a bar on the top floor of a huge skyscraper and orders a strong drink. He downs it and asks for another. After a few more drinks, he heads over to a table where two guys are chatting and sipping their drinks. "I bet you guys 5000 bucks that I can jump out of that window and land safely on the street below!"

The two guys exchange glances and decide to take the bet. So, the drunk guy walks up to the window and leaps out. The two men can hardly believe their eyes when they see him land safely on the street and then come back into the building.

"How did you pull that off?!" they ask in shock as he reenters the bar.

"Well, here's the deal," the drunk explains. "There's a ventilation shaft right below this window, and the air current is so strong that it slows you down enough to land safely on the grid. Why don’t you give it a shot yourselves?"

So, both guys rush to the window and jump out, heading straight for disaster as they crash into the street at full speed.

At this moment, the bartender approaches the drunk and says, "You’re such a jerk when you’re drunk, Superman."

7- Ugly Baby

A woman boards a bus with her baby. The bus driver exclaims, "Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!" The woman, furious, walks to the back of the bus and takes a seat.

She turns to the man beside her and says, "The driver just insulted me!"

The man replies, "You should go up there and give him a piece of your mind. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

8- Damn Fridge

Three guys show up in heaven at the same time. St. Peter steps out to welcome them.

"Sorry about this, fellas," St. Peter says. "God didn’t expect so many people to make it to heaven, so we’ve got a new rule. You need to share how you died, and if I find your story sad or interesting enough, I’ll let you in."

He approaches the first guy, who looks like a nerd in a shabby business suit, and asks, "What’s your story?"

"Alright," the man replies. "I thought I had a great life. I had a gorgeous wife, and we lived in a nice apartment on the 34th floor. I got home from work early today and found my beautiful wife asleep naked in bed with another guy’s clothes on the floor. Naturally, I started searching for the jerk who was with my wife."

"As I mentioned, I lived in an apartment, so there weren’t many places to hide, but I couldn’t find him anywhere! Just when I was about to confront my wife, I spotted him. The jerk was clinging to the windowsill outside. I went up to him and started stomping on his hands repeatedly, but he wouldn’t let go. Finally, I kicked him in the face, and he fell. Unfortunately, he landed on a bush and bounced back to safety. In my rage, I grabbed my refrigerator and threw it out after him. But the cord got wrapped around my leg and pulled me to my death."

St. Peter nods and says, "Your story is good enough. Welcome to heaven." He then moves to the second man, a muscular working-class type, and asks, "What’s your story?"

"I’m a window washer," the man replies. "I’ve been doing this for over 20 years. Today, I was washing the windows on the 35th floor of this building when my scaffolding gave way. I thought I was done for, but I managed to grab onto the windowsill of the floor below. Suddenly, this crazy guy comes out and starts smashing my fingers. I do my best to hang on, but he kicks me in the face and I fall.

Once more, I thought I was a goner, but I hit this hedge and bounced off, no harm done. I glance up and BAM. Dead. The last thing I saw was a fridge.

St. Peter stifles a laugh and lets him into heaven. Then he approaches the third guy, a ridiculously good-looking dude with sandy-blonde hair, and asks, "So, what's your story?"

"Okay," the guy replies. "Imagine this. You just finished hooking up with some guy's wife. He comes home, and you hide in the fridge."

9- Sandwich & The Hand Job

A guy strolls into a bar and spots a sign that says "Cheese Sandwiches $1" and right underneath, another sign that says "Hand job $2".

He scans the place for the bartender, but the only other person in sight is a stunning woman, around 25, with big assets, sitting at the end of the bar.

He approaches her and asks, "Hey, are you the one who does the hand job?"

She answers in a sultry tone, "Yep, that's me."

He quickly replies, "Well, go wash your hands then, I want a sandwich."

10- Three Moms

Three moms (one with red hair, one with black hair, and one with blonde hair) are sitting together, chatting about how let down they feel by their daughters.

The red-headed mom says, "I discovered whiskey in my daughter's room, and I had no idea she drank."

The brunette mom replies, "That's nothing! I found marijuana in my daughter's room, and I didn't even know she was into drugs."

The blonde mom chimes in, "You guys are amazing moms compared to me. I found condoms in my daughter's room, and I didn't even know she had a dick!"