August might be the month of sizzling heat, endless iced coffees, and wondering how it’s already almost September—but don’t sweat it (literally). We’ve rounded up the Top 10 Funniest Jokes of August to keep you laughing harder than your neighbor trying to grill in 100-degree weather.

Whether you need a break from melting asphalt, back-to-school chaos, or just want a reason to giggle at work when your boss isn’t looking, these jokes are guaranteed to bring the summer vibes with a side of laughter. Grab a cold drink, kick back, and let’s turn up the humor before August turns us all into popsicles!

1- Bird Impressions

A guy heads to the circus. After the performance, he chats with the manager and inquires about a job.

"Sure, what skills do you have?" the manager questions.

"I can do amazing bird impressions," the guy responds.

"Pssh, plenty of folks can do that."

"Oh well," the guy says and takes off flying.

2- Dog Rescue

A woman is out walking her dog when, out of nowhere, the dog dashes into a pond to chase some birds. The dog starts to struggle in the water, and the woman freaks out, yelling for help.

Just then, a German guy leaps into the pond, saves the dog, and brings it back to her.

He says, "Please keep ze little doggy in a blanket until he has dried off."

The woman, starting to relax after the chaos, responds, "Thank you, thank you so much! Are you a vet?"

The German guy replies, "VET? IM FUCKING SOAKING."

3- Mastur Plan

A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex could help men last longer during the act. The guy thought, 'Why not give it a shot?' He spent the whole day figuring out where he could do it. His office was out of the question. He considered the restroom, but that felt too exposed. An alley crossed his mind, but he decided that was too risky.

Eventually, he found a solution. On his way home, he pulled over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled under his truck like he was checking something. Happy with the privacy, he unzipped his pants and started to masturbate.

With his eyes closed, he imagined his lover. As he got closer to climax, he felt a sudden tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to break his fantasy or lose the moment, he kept his eyes shut and said, 'What?'

He heard a voice say, 'This is the police. What’s happening down there?' The guy replied, 'I’m just checking the rear axle; it’s broken.' 'Well,' the cop said, 'you might want to check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.'

4- Penguin On Vacation

A penguin on vacation is cruising through Arizona when he spots the oil pressure light glowing. He hops out to check and finds oil leaking from the engine. He drives to the closest town and pulls into the first gas station he sees.

After leaving the car, the penguin strolls around town. He spots an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in the heat of Arizona, thinks something cold would be perfect. He orders a huge bowl of ice cream and sits down to enjoy it. Without hands, he ends up making quite a mess trying to eat with his flippers.

Once he finishes his ice cream, he heads back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s figured out what’s wrong.

The mechanic looks up and says, "It seems like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin responds, "it’s just ice cream."

5- Fred & Scarlett Johansson

There's a shipwreck. The only people who made it are a random dude named Fred and Scarlett Johansson. Yep, THE Scarlett Johansson. They handle all the essential survival stuff, like building a shelter and starting a fire, and it turns out they both have some solid skills.

Eventually, Ms. Johansson starts developing feelings for Fred, and they become lovers. Their sex life? OFF THE CHARTS. Nothing is off limits.

For a while, our guy is on cloud nine. But as time drags on and rescue seems further away than ever, he begins to sink into a bit of a funk.

Totally in sync with him, Scarlett asks if there's anything she can do to lift his spirits. After some coaxing, he finally admits... "well, there is one thing... but it’s a little embarrassing..." She insists she’s super open-minded and nothing would faze her.

"Alright," Fred says. "I need you to head to the far end of the beach. Strap down your breasts so I can’t see them. Tie your hair back and tuck it under this hat (handing her a man’s hat). Grab some charcoal from the fire and draw a fake beard on your face. Put on the men’s clothes we salvaged from the wreck. Basically, I want you to take on the toughest acting role of your life. A man. An Australian man named Bruce. Pretend to be Bruce for me, and when you think you’ve got it down... start walking down the beach towards me..."

A bit taken aback but keen to make him happy, Ms. Johansson follows his instructions to the letter. She gets ready as 'Bruce' and begins walking down the beach towards Fred.

Fred, who’s been waiting with anticipation, starts running towards 'Bruce' with a massive grin. 'Bruce' extends his hand and says, "G'day mate, pleased to meet you – I'm Bruce."

Fred replies, "Forget that mate... you’ll NEVER guess who I’ve been sleeping with!"

6- Wealthy Art Collector

A New York lawyer who represents a rich art collector called his client and said, "David, I've got some good news and some bad news."

The art collector responded, "I've had a terrible day; let's start with the good news."

The lawyer said, "I met with your wife today, and she told me she put $10,000 into two paintings that she believes will sell for at least $20-30 million. I think she might be onto something."

David replied excitedly, "Great job! My wife is an amazing businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I feel ready for the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer said, "The paintings are of you and your secretary."

7- Stars Not Aligned

During my check-up, I asked the doctor, "Do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life?"

He answered, "I’m not so sure. Mercury is in Uranus at the moment."

I responded, "I’m not into that astrology stuff."

He said, "Neither am I. My thermometer just broke."

8- Irish Man & A Burning Bar

A few firefighters rescue an Irishman from a blazing bar. He's hacking away, totally covered in soot, and reeks of smoke.

When the firefighters question him about how the fire began, the Irishman replies, "How the heck would I know? The place was already on fire when I arrived."

9- A Dying Man

A guy gets back home from the doctor and tells his wife, "Honey! I’ve got some bad news. The doctor said I’m seriously ill and only have half a day to live. I’m not sure what to do, I’m going to die… but before that, I want to make love to you one last time!"

"Okay", replies the wife.

They go for it, and later that evening, the man says again, "Honey, I’ve only got 6 hours left. Let’s do it again"

"Sure" – says the wife, starting to get a bit irritated.

They head to bed, but in the middle of the night, the man wakes her up, "Darling! I’ve only got 3 hours left… To which the wife responds, "Oh come on, let me sleep already, I still have to get up in the morning!"

10- Two Italians In A Bus

A bus pulls over and two Italian guys hop on.

They take their seats and start chatting animatedly.

The woman sitting behind them initially tunes them out, but her ears perk up when she catches one of the guys saying:

"Emma comes first. Then I come. Then two asses come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together once more. I come again and pee twice. Finally, I come one last time."

"You filthy pig," the lady shot back, clearly offended. "In this country, we don’t discuss our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, chill out, lady," the man replied. "Who’s talking about sex? I’m just explaining to my friend how to spell Mississippi."