Top 10 Funniest Jokes Of September

September is that weird month where summer’s tan lines are fading, pumpkin spice is invading, and everyone’s pretending to be excited about sweater weather while still sweating through their shirts.

But hey, laughter never goes out of season! So grab your favorite overpriced latte, cozy up (or crank the fan—depending on the day), and get ready, because I’ve rounded up the 10 Funniest Jokes of September to keep you laughing harder than a squirrel trying to bury a pumpkin.

1- Employee Of The Month

A guy walks into a shop. Inside, a cashier is in tears while a furious customer is shouting at her: "You dumb cow, I’ll never come back here again! I’m telling the manager—you’re getting fired, do you understand?!"

The angry customer storms out.

The man who just walked in goes up to the cashier. She quickly wipes her eyes, puts on a forced smile, and says:

"Good afternoon, how can I assist you?"

The man asks if she needs any help, but she insists she’s okay.

"Oh no, I’m totally fine, really. What can I get for you, sir?"

"Could I have an envelope, please?"

"Sure! What size do you need? We have standard, large, small..."

"Just a regular one, please."

"And what color? Blue, yellow, red, white, green, orange..."

"Blue, please—but hurry, my bus is about to leave!"

"And which blue? Paris blue, light blue, navy, ocean blue..."

"Just any normal blue, but fast, please!"

"And what shape? We have heart-shaped, triangular, round..."

"A regular rectangle, please! The bus is leaving!"

Finally, she hands him a blue envelope.

"Here you go. Do you need a stamp too?"

"Yes, give me one quickly!"

"For domestic or international mail?"

"Domestic, please!"

"And what design? We have people, animals, landscapes, symbols..."

"Animals, please, but hurry!"

"Which animals? Mammals, birds, reptiles..."

"Birds!"

"What kind of birds? Birds of prey, songbirds, migratory birds..."

"Birds of prey, quick!"

"We have eagle, hawk, vulture..."

"Eagle, hurry!"

"Golden eagle or bald eagle?"

"Golden eagle, just give it to me already!"

"Do you want the one flying, feeding its chicks, or sitting in the nest?"

"Flying, please, just flying!"

"Flying over a canyon or flying over the sea?"

"ANY! JUST GIVE ME ONE NOW!"

At that moment, the furious customer from before storms back in, holding a piece of poop in his hand. He slams it on the counter and yells:

"I need toilet paper for this exact shit!"

2- Story Assignment

The teacher assigned her fifth grade class a task: to get their parents to share a story that had a moral at the end. The following day, the kids returned and started sharing their stories one by one.

There were the usual kinds of tales—like spilled milk and saved pennies. But then the teacher noticed, to her surprise, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to tell?"

"Yes ma'am. My dad told me a story about my mom. She was a Marine pilot during Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to jump out over enemy territory, armed only with a flask of whiskey, her service .45 caliber pistol, and a survival knife."

"She drank the whiskey on the way down to prevent the bottle from breaking, and then her parachute landed her right in the midst of 20 Iraqi soldiers. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of ammo, took out four more with the knife until it broke, and then she finished off the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," exclaimed the shocked teacher. "What did your dad say was the moral of this unbelievable story?"

"Don't fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."

3- Pack Of Condoms

A young guy strolls into a pharmacy and asks for some condoms. "Which pack do you want?" the pharmacist inquires. "We have packs of 3, 6, 9, and 12." "Let me explain," the young guy replies. "Tonight, I have a date with this stunning, super attractive girl. We’re having dinner with her parents first, and then we’re heading out. I have a hunch that once we get started, she won’t want to stop. So, I’ll take the dozen."

Later that night, he shows up at her place, and they sit down for a family dinner. He asks if he can say the prayer, and everyone nods in agreement. He begins mumbling the prayer and goes on for a full five minutes. The girl leans in and whispers: "You never mentioned you were so religious." "And you never mentioned your dad is a pharmacist!"

4- Lousy Lover

An elderly couple, married for fifty years, were sitting in their rocking chairs on the porch when the woman grabbed her walker, swung it in a big arc, and sent the old man tumbling over the railing and into the begonias. He got up, dusted himself off, found his cane, and hobbled back to the porch.

After settling back in his chair and rocking for a moment, he asked, "Well Ethel, what was that for?"

The old woman replied, "That's for being such a terrible lover all these years!"

They sat in silence for a bit, rocking back and forth, when the man suddenly took his cane, swung it through the air, and knocked the old lady right over the railing and into the gladiolas. She got up, brushed herself off, picked up her walker, and slowly made her way back to the porch.

After sitting down and rocking for a minute or two, she calmly asked, "Well Henry, what was that for?"

The man replied, "That was for knowing the damn difference, Ethel!"

5- Blind Man In A Bar

A blind guy strolls into a bar and tells the bartender, "Pour me a shot of your best 30-year-old single malt!" The bartender replies, "Just so you know, that’ll set you back 100 bucks – it’s pretty pricey." The blind guy says, "No worries, I’ve got the cash and I know what I like!" So, the bartender, aware that the guy can’t see what he’s pouring, gives him the cheapest single malt – a Glen Garioch 5-year-old.

The blind man takes a sip, grimaces, and spits it out, shouting, "This is 5-year-old whisky! I asked for a 30-year-old single malt!"

The bartender apologizes and pours him a shot of 12-year-old Macallan. The blind man tries that, spits it out again, and says, "This is 12-year-old whisky! I want 30-year-old!"

The bartender, still trying to make a profit, pours another shot, this time a 21-year-old Glenlivet, and places it in front of the blind man. Once more, the man takes a sip, spits it out, and demands, "That’s 21-year-old whisky! Give me what I ordered, or I’m leaving!"

Realizing the man won’t settle for anything less than the real deal, the bartender finally pours him a shot of his finest 30-year-old Balvenie. The blind man takes a sip and sighs, "Now THAT’s 30-year-old whisky!"

An old drunk sitting at the end of the bar, who’s been watching the whole thing, walks over to the blind man, sets a glass in front of him, and says, "Excuse me, sir, I’d like you to try this."

The blind man replies, "Sure thing!" and takes a sip.

Immediately, he spits it out and yells, "My god, that tastes like PISS!"

The old drunk responds, "It is – now tell me how old I am!

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6- Italian & The Germans

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro pull up to the Italian border. The Italian customs officer halts them and says, "It's illegal to fit 5 people in a Quattro!"

"What do you mean, it's illegal?" the German driver questions.

"Quattro means four!" the Italian official responds.

"Quattro is just the name of the freaking car," the Germans reply in disbelief. "Check the damn papers: The car is designed to hold 5 people!"

"You can't pull that one on me!" the Italian customs officer retorts. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car, so you're breaking the law!"

The German, now furious, exclaims, "You idiot! Get the supervisor over here! Quick! I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," the Italian replies, "He can't come. He's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."]} ```

7- Perfect Couple

One day, I was lounging on the couch with my girlfriend when she asked, "Honey, do you think I'm overweight?"

I replied, "Not at all, you're absolutely perfect."

Then she said, "Will you carry me to the bedroom?"

A chill ran down my spine, and I answered, "To show you how much I care, I'm bringing the bed into the living room today."

8- New Joke

A prisoner spends his first night behind bars. The lights go out. Suddenly, someone yells out 65. Laughter erupts. Then another voice chimes in with 27! More giggles follow.

The new inmate turns to his cellmate and asks, "What's going on?"

The cellmate replies, "We've been here so long that we've assigned numbers to our jokes. It saves us time. Give it a shot!"

So the newcomer shouts, "147!!" The place erupts in chaos, with everyone howling and banging on their cell doors until it finally quiets down. Confused, he asks his cellmate, "What did I do?" The cellmate chuckles, "They've never heard that one before.

9- Wrong Place

A wealthy man is on his deathbed and asks his wife, "Sweetheart, please go to the bank and take out all the money from my checking and savings accounts. That’s $5 million in total. Then, put the cash in a bag and store it in the attic."

The wife is confused and questions, "Why do you want me to do that?"

He replies, "Darling, I only have a few months left to live. I want the money in the attic so that when I die, I can take it all with me to heaven and enjoy it for eternity."

The wife finds this strange but complies with his wishes. A few months later, he passes away. She grieves for him, and after being a widow for a few years, her curiosity gets the better of her. She decides to check the attic to see if the money is still there. When she gets up there, it’s still intact. She lets out a sigh and says, "I knew I should've put it in the basement."

9- Wrong Place

A wealthy man is on his deathbed and asks his wife, "Sweetheart, please go to the bank and take out all the money from my checking and savings accounts. That’s $5 million in total. Then, put the cash in a bag and store it in the attic."

The wife is confused and questions, "Why do you want me to do that?"

He replies, "Darling, I only have a few months left to live. I want the money in the attic so that when I die, I can take it all with me to heaven and enjoy it for eternity."

The wife finds this strange but complies with his wishes. A few months later, he passes away. She grieves for him, and after being a widow for a few years, her curiosity gets the better of her. She decides to check the attic to see if the money is still there. When she gets up there, it’s still intact. She lets out a sigh and says, "I knew I should've put it in the basement."

10- Walmart Greeter

After getting my new job as a Walmart greeter — which is a pretty sweet deal for a lot of retirees — I didn’t even make it through my first day.

About two hours into my shift, a loud, angry-looking woman barged in with two kids, cursing at them the entire time.

Following my training, I grinned and said happily, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart! You’ve got some nice kids there. Are they twins?”

She snapped back, “Hell no, they ain’t twins! One’s 9, the other is 7. Are you blind or just stupid?!”

So I kept smiling and said, “Neither, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone would sleep with you twice.