Top 30 Relationship Jokes

1- Jake In Trouble

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

2-Italian Girl

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

"Thank you, honey", she says.

"What would you like me to bring back for you?"

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good," she replies.

"And what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" she asks.

"The one I asked for- an Italian girl!"

"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."

3- Divorced Barbie

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.

He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture...”

4- Fist Ever Apology

5- Birthday Present

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,” How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

6- Married For A Night

A man and a lady met on a cruise ship because they both got assigned the same cabin. When they went to the reception to inform about it they had to travel up 4 stairs and the lady behind the counter told them that sadly they were fully booked and there was no solution.

Disappointed the man and the lady went 4 stairs down again and decided to not let it bother them. It was a simple cabin and it were bunk beds anyway.

That night they were trying to sleep but the lady kept complaining about the cold. She told the man "I can't believe how cold it is, isn't there any way to warm up in here?"

The man laughed and replied "Well, I could of course go to the reception and ask for an extra blanket, but that would mean I would have to get out, get dressed and go up those 4 flights of stairs... or we could y'know.. act like we're married for the night"

The lady didn't mind the suggestion and said "well if you say it like that I guess we could act like we're married"

The man replied "That's a great idea honey, go get the fucking blanket yourself" and he turned around to sleep.

7- Stung By A Jellyfish

8- Farting At Dinner

A young man has been dating a young woman he really likes for a few months, and she invites him to meet her parents. They go to her parents' home for dinner, and he is introduced to the family pet Rover, an old Labrador.

Everything is going well and he's enjoying the meal, when all of a sudden, the guy is overcome with a need to fart. Oh gosh, what is he going to do? He's trying to impress her parents!

He suppresses it for a while, but the pressure is growing. Eventually, he decides he has to relieve it a bit, and ever so carefully, he releases just a little bit of gas.

About 15 seconds later, his girlfriend's father pauses mid-sentence to bark "Rover!" at the dog, and continues speaking. Rover is lying in the corner of the room, between the boyfriend and the father, and fortunately, it seems that the father thinks that it's Rover who's farting.

A few minutes later, the boyfriend risks releasing a little bit more.

Another 15 seconds or so after that, as the odor spreads, the father again hollers: "Rover!"

Conversation continues, and the boyfriend is mightily relieved that he seems to have gotten away with releasing some of the pressure in his bowels, without embarrassing himself in front of his girlfriend's parents.

Eventually he risks releasing all of the remaining pressure, as quietly as he can.

A few seconds later, the father roars: "For God's sake, Rover, move out of the way before this boy shits all over you!"

9- Big Ass Grill

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"

Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

10- Body-Building Program

11- Generous Bartender

On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the cheerful looking bartender and asks for his favorite premium beer.

"Certainly, sir. That'll be 1 cent."

"One single penny?!" exclaimed the man.

The barman replied, "Yes, sir. Just one penny."

As he takes the glass of delicious beer and takes a satisfying gulp, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender. "But all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

12- Who's Your Daddy

My wife just found out she's adopted. She's devastated and kept asking "Why didn’t they want me?"

I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!" was a little insensitive.

13- 90 Years Old Alzheimer Patient

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife.

Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago.

I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question, but the look of pure joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the weight in gold.

14- Invitation

15- Reasonable Excuse

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”

16- Do You Have A Vagina

A woman home alone, answers a knock on the door to a man who just stood there and asked, "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust and tells her husband that night when he got home from work.

The next morning she answers a knock on the door. Its the same man and he asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina?"

Once again she slams the door. She immediately gets on the phone and rings her husband at work. He tells her he will take the day off tomorrow just in case the man shows up a third time.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both make for the door. The husband whispers to his wife, "Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to tell him yes to his question, because I want to a see where he's going with this."

She nods, a yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there.

He asks, "Do you have a vagina?"

"Yes I do." says the lady.

The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!”

17- Lion vs Mother-in-Law

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife said, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.

18- Taste Of Carrot

19- Strong Faith

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a scholar," he replies.

"A scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and god will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support the children?"

"Don't worry, sir. God will provide," replies the fiancé.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that god will provide.

Later that evening the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm god."

20- Dark Joke

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."

The man whispers, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy - "It's dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"

Boy - "$750."

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

21- Ugly Child

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

22- Argument With Wife

23- Poisonous Wife

A man went to see his Rabbi. He stated in a very serious tone, ""Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, "How can that be?"

The man then pleaded, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then said, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously replied, "Yes."

"Take the poison," said the Rabbi.

24- Useless Things

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator."

Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.

She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.

Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?"

"And so, here we are!"

25- Acute Angina

26- Wedding Presents

A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary so they decide to go shopping at Madison avenue for their wives.

The poor man asks the rich man "what did you get your wife this year?"

Rich man says " I got her a Huge diamond ring and a brand new Mercedes".

The poor man asks the rich man "why did you get her both for?"

Rich man says " if she don't like the diamond ring she can take it back and keep the Mercedes and still be happy"

So the rich man says" What did you get your wife this year? "

Poor man says" I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo"

Rich man looks at him and says "what did you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo for?"

Poor man says "if she don't like the slippers she can go fuck herself"

27- Working Out

28- Couple Fight

A husband and wife get into a huge argument. They are calling each other names, swearing, and throwing things at each other.

Finally the wife grabs a suitcase and throws a bunch of the husband's clothes into it and says, "that's it, I've had enough of you! Take this suitcase and GET THE HELL OUT!"

As he's leaving, she says, "I hope you die a slow, painful death. I want you to be miserable for every minute of the rest of your life!"

The husband pauses, looks back at his wife with a confused look on his face and says "so you want me to stay now?"

29- Honest Husband

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!”

30- Multitasking