Top 30 Bar Jokes

1- 60 Cents

Guy runs into a bar yelling at the bartender...."I need 6 shots of whiskey fast!!!"

The bartender scrambles and gets the shots lined up on the bar.

The man then shoots all 6 of them in a row like nothing.

The bartender is amazed at this, and the man notices his reaction, so the man says, "Trust me, if you had what I have you would drink like this too!!"

The bartender says, "Jesus Christ man, what do you have??"

The man says, "60 cents." And runs out of the bar.

2- Celebration Time

Big burly guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me a shot of whiskey.”

Bartender pours him a shot, which the guy downs in one gulp, slams the glass on the bar and says, “Give me another shot of whiskey.”

Bartender pours him another shot, burly guy downs it and slams the glass, says, “Give me another shot of whiskey.”

This process repeats several more times before the bartender interrupts it and asks, “What’s with all the shots, did something unusual happen today?”

Big burly guy says, “My first blowjob.”

Bartender says, “That’s great! Congratulations! The next shot is on the house.”

Big burly guy says, “That’s okay. If seven shots of whiskey can’t get the taste out of my mouth, then an eighth won’t.”

3- Persistent Pervert

A guy walks into a bar. There are two really hot looking girls nearby. He slides up to them and starts his chat up lines.

“You're wasting your time mate, we're both Lesbians” one says.

“That's OK” says the guy, I've got nothing against people from the Greek Islands”.

They move off disgusted. He turns his attention to another girl, really hot, all by herself.

“Hi babe, how's things? Wow you're looking good”

“You're wasting your time pal”, she says, “I'm a Lesbian”

“Oh no, another one” he says. “But what exactly is a Lesbian?”

“You see that girl over there?” She asks, “well I'd like to peel all her clothes off and start caressing her gorgeous body”

“Wow!” The guy says “I think I'm a Lesbian too!”

She too moves off.

He tries a third and final time with another lone, hot looking girl.

He does his usual thing until she turns around and says “Look fella, you are wasting your time”

“Don't tell me” he says “you're a Lesbian”

“No”, she says, “ but you're wasting your time cuz I'm on my Menstrual Cycle”

“That's OK” he replies, “I'll follow you on my Honda!”

4- Problem vs Opportunity

5- Trouble In Family

A guy walks into a bar, and order 5 shots. Bartender says, "Jeez, you look like you just got some bad news."

Guy says, "Yah, just found out my dad's gay and he's leaving my mom." So the guy downs the 5 shots and drinks the rest of the night.

The next day he comes back, and orders 5 shots again. Bartender says, "What happened now?" Guy says, "Just found out my brother's gay and he's leaving his wife." So the guy downs the 5 shots again, and drinks until closing time.

The next day he comes back again, and orders 5 more shots. Bartender says, "Jesus, doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

Guy says, "Yah, my wife".

6- Two Drunk Men

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."

1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk.

7- 12 Inch Pianist

A man walks into a bar and sees his bartender friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, “That’s amazing. Where did he come from?”

The bartender pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish.

The man rubs the bottle and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice, the genie tells the man he has but one wish.

The man thinks and says, “I wish I had a million bucks.”

All of a sudden, the bar is filled with ducks bursting from every nook and cranny. Standing on top of the bar, stools, and tables, the ducks quack away!

Noticing the frustration, The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’s wrong? You asked for a million bucks.”

The man says, “I didn’t ask for ducks!”

The bartender replies, “Do you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?”

8- North Korean In A Bar

9- High Stakes

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling and asks the bartender, "what's this?"

The bartender says, "it's a game we play here, if you can run, jump and touch the meat, then you drink for free. If you miss, you have to buy everyone a round. Wanna play?"

The guy takes a step back, studies the ceiling and says, "I can't, the steaks are too high."

10- Complimentary Peanuts

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, “You look nice today.”

A few minutes later he again hears a small voice say, “That’s a nice shirt.”

The guy asks the bartender, “Who is that?”

The bartender says, “Those are the peanuts. They’re complimentary!”

11- Careful Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

12- T-Rex Walks Into A Bar

13- Ice Tong

A woman at the bar orders a scotch on the rocks. The bartender throws ice in the glass, pours the drink and sets it in front of her.

She says, "Hey, you touched the ice with your hands! It's dirty!"

He replies, "Lady, my hands are in water all day, they're clean."

She says, "I don't care, I want you to use the ice tongs."

Rolling his eyes, he makes her a new drink using the ice tongs, and she's happy.

After a few drinks, she says to the bartender, "Hey, what is that string attached to the zipper on your pants?"

He replies, "You know how we were talking earlier about clean hands? Well, I use that string to unzip when I have to go to the bathroom so I don't have to touch the zipper."

She ponders that for a while, then asks, "But...but...how do you get it out of your pants?"

"Oh," he says nonchalantly, "I use the ice tongs.”

14- 10 Pint Challenge

An American on vacation in Ireland walks into the pub. He says, "Alright, I hear you Irish can drink. I've got five hundred dollars here that says no one can drink ten pints of Guinness in a row."

The bar falls silent. The band stops. Everyone just stares. One guy even gets up and leaves.

The American says, "oh well" and takes a seat at the bar and orders a drink.

A few minutes later, the guy returns and asks, "Hey mister, is that money still on the table?"

"Well sure it is" he replies.

The bartender pours out ten pints, and the man proceeds to drink them one after the other.

When he's done, the American says, "Well, I'm a man of my word, so here's your money. But I gotta ask, where did you go?"

He says: "I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first!"

15- Beer For Lesbians

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. Then he see’s a couple of women sitting by themselves, so he wanders over and asks it he could buy them a beer. They say no thanks and he leaves.

After a couple of minutes, he goes back and asks them again if he could buy them a beer. They say no thanks, actually we’re lesbians. Oh he says and goes back to the bar.

After a while he comes over to their table, pulls out a chair and sits down. He says, ladies I’m just a poor dumb cowboy and I don’t even know what is you said you are…

One of them says we’d rather have sex with a women than a man.

He waves to the bar and says bartender bring us three lesbians a beer.

16- Blow Job

17- Got Any Bread

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, Its a bar we don’t sell bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your beak to the bar!!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

18- Upscale Bar

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African walk into a really upscale bar.

After scrutinizing the group, the bartender says “I’m sorry, but I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

19- Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink. The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE.

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool. Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approaches and asks the chicken “Are you part of this joke?”

“Yeah.” the chicken replies.

Again, he points to the sign: NO JOKES SERVED HERE.

The chicken argues “Well then how’s a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?”

The bartender moves his pointed finger from the sign to the window. “There’s another bar across the road.”

20- A Priest And A Rabbit Walk Into A Bar

21- Irish Promise

An Irishman walks into a bar in New York City and orders three pints of beer. He drinks each one in turn and walks out. The next night he returns, and again orders three pints of beer, and then again the next night.

The bartender offers to serve them consecutively so they won’t go flat, but the Irishman explains, “I’d rather see them all lined up before me. I left two brothers behind in Ireland, and since we used to meet at the pub every night and have a pint together, I feel closer to them when I come to drink my pint and their two.”

This goes on for a year, and then one night, the Irishman fails to come in. The regulars are concerned, and then saddened when he returns a few nights later and orders only two pints of beer.

When the bartender serves him, he says, “I see you didn’t order a beer for one of your brothers. My condolences on your loss.”

“My brothers are still alive,” the Irishman says. “I didn’t order my own beer; my wife made me promise to give up drinking.”

22- $20 Bill

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

His wife said, "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George told his wife, "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

George yelled, "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill told him, "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

So, when George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

She yelled, "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"

George responded, "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

George's wife asked, "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"

George then said, "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants.”

23- First & The Last Shot

A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch.

The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor.

He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.

The bartender asks, “Why did you do that?”

The guy replies, “Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!”

24- Drunk wierdo

25- 3 Ducks Walk Into A Bar

Three ducks walk into a bar and the bartender asks the first duck, “Hello, what’s your name, how are you, and what would you like to drink?”

The duck responds, “My name is, Quack, and I’ve had a wonderful day going in and out of puddles!”

So the bartender gives the first duck his drink and moves on to the second duck asking him the same question, “Hello, what’s your name, how are you, and what would you like to drink?”

The duck responds, “My name is, Quack Quack, and I’ve also had a wonderful day going in and out of puddles!”

The bartender gives the second duck his drink and moves on to the third duck saying, “Let me guess, your name is, Quack Quack Quack, and you’ve also had a wonderful day going in and out of puddles?”

The duck looks at him with a sad expression and says, “No my name is, Puddles, and I’ve had a fucking awful day!”

26- Woke Crowd

A feminist, a vegan and an atheist walked into a bar.

How do you know ?

Because they all told you that.

27- It's Started

A man gets home from work, yells at his wife "Hurry up and bring me a beer before it starts!"

Wife brings him a beer and goes back doing whatever she was doing.

A minute later, "Hurry up, and bring me a beer before it starts!"

She brings him another, which he also chugs. A few minutes later "Hurry up and bring me a beer before it starts!"

She brings beer and finally asks "What are you in such a hurry for?"

To which, the man shakes his head and mumbles "Aw hell, it's started."

28- Personal Trainer

29- 90s & Now

I used to drink a lot in the 90s....

Now I don't care what temperature it is

30- Cowboy & The Lesbian Pornstar

A cowboy walks into a bar, 10 gallon hat, duster coat, 6 shooters, the whole shebang. Sits at the bar and gets the bartender's attention. "Barkeep, I'd like a shot of your finest whiskey if it's not too much trouble". The bartender pours the shot, and the cowboy sits there sipping for a few minutes.

Eventually a lady comes up to him. She's stunning. Blonde, long legs, cleavage you could ski down. She sits next to the cowboy and after a minute of awkward silence asks "I'm so sorry, but are you a real cowboy? It's just with the hat and the coat..."

The cowboy smiles and says, "Well miss, I like to think so. You see, when I wake every morning, my first thought is about those cattle. As I pour my first cup of coffee, I'm thinking about those cattle. And when my head hits the pillow every night, I dream about those cows running across the range. So yeah, I think I'm a real cowboy. Say, what do you do for a profession if you don't mind me asking?"

The blonde lady blushes before stammering "I- I'm actually a lesbian porn star." The cowboy looks shocked for a second before asking "Like, a real lesbian, or just for the cameras?" The blonde replies "Well to put it like you did, when I wake up; my first thought is about beautiful women. When I have my first cup of coffee in the morning I'm thinking about women. And when I go to sleep at night, I dream about the beautiful women I sleep with for my job. So, you tell me."

The cowboy looks impressed and says "Well kudos to you, being true to yourself. Cheers!" And the two toast and chat for a while as they finish their drinks. The blonde eventually leaves, and the cowboy asks for another shot of the finest whiskey. After sipping at it for a few minutes, another lady comes up to him. This one is a brunette but equally gorgeous. Tight jeans, tight shirt, and eyes that could see right into your soul. She looks the cowboy up and down before winking and asking, "Are you a real cowboy?".

The cowboy downs the rest of his drink.

"Well miss, I sure used to think so, but I found out today I might be a lesbian."