Hilarious Little Johnny Jokes For All The Little & Old Johnnys

Little Johnny jokes have been a staple of humor for generations, with roots dating back to the early 20th century. These jokes feature a mischievous young boy named Johnny who finds himself in humorous situations, typically at school or home.

The character of Little Johnny is a universal figure who represents childhood's playful and naughty side. Whether you're a young troublemaker or an adult with a youthful spirit, these jokes are designed to make everyone laugh.

From classroom capers to family fun, we've collected the very best Little Johnny jokes to keep you entertained. So get comfortable, grab a snack, and enjoy these hilarious tales of Little Johnny's adventures!

1- Son Of A Bitch

Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Three plus four, that son of a bitch is seven. Four plus five, that son of a bitch is nine."

His mother overheard him and gasped, "What are you doing?"

"I'm doing my math homework," the little boy answered.

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother called Little Johnny's teacher the next day. "What are you teaching my son in class?"

"Right now, we are learning addition," the teacher replied.

"And are you teaching them to say 'two plus two, that son of a bitch is four'?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she explained, "What I taught them was, 'two plus two, the sum of which is four.'"

2- Little Johnny Colorful Language

Little Johnny's class was learning vocabulary in Health class, which was partly inspired by Johnny's colorful language. The teacher went down the list, asking students to use words in sentences.

When she said "rectum," Johnny eagerly raised his hand, but knowing better, she called on Susie instead.

With "defecate," she again avoided Johnny despite his enthusiastic hand-waving.

Finally, at "urinate," she figured he couldn't cause much trouble. Johnny's hand shot up, nearly launching him from his desk. "All right, Johnny," she said reluctantly.

"Urinate," Johnny said. "Teacher, you're an eight. But if your tits were bigger, you'd be a nine."

3- Little Johnny & Little Susie

Little Johnny was in Bible study one morning. Susie was sleeping in front of Johnny.

The teacher asked Susie who our Lord and Savior was. Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a pen and she screamed, "Jesus Christ!" and went back to sleep.

A little later, the teacher asked Susie who created our world. Johnny poked her in the butt again, and Sally screamed, "Oh, my God!" and went back to sleep.

Later, the teacher asked Susie what Eve said to Adam after they had their fifth child. Johnny poked her in the butt and Susie screamed, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'm going to break it!" The teacher fainted.

4- Little Johnny & Punctuation

Little Johnny was squirming in his seat during English class, barely containing himself as Mrs. Thompson droned on about punctuation marks. When she finally got to periods, Johnny's hand shot up so fast it nearly knocked his pencil into orbit.

"Yes, Johnny?" Mrs. Thompson sighed, already bracing herself. Johnny's questions were... notorious.

"Mrs. Thompson," he chirped, bouncing in his chair, "why do we make such a big deal about periods?"

The teacher launched into her well-rehearsed explanation about proper sentence structure, but Johnny wasn't done.

"That's weird," he scratched his head, "because last night my sister told us she missed a period, and boy, you should've seen what happened! Dad turned redder than a fire truck and started doing this weird dance around the room, and Mom? She just looked at the ceiling and took a nap right there on the floor!"

5- Caring Little Johnny

Little Johnny comes bursting through the front door, red-faced and panting like he's just run a marathon.

"Mom! Mom! Quick!" he gasps dramatically, clutching his chest. "There's this poor, helpless old man outside and he's been yelling for hours! We have to help him!"

His mother looks up from her crossword puzzle, concerned. "Oh dear! What's he shouting about, sweetie?"

"He keeps saying 'ICE CREAM! GET YOUR DELICIOUS ICE CREAM!'

6- Little Johnny (Like The Way You Think 1)

Little Johnny was slumped at his desk, doodling math equations into monsters when Ms. Johnson's voice pierced his daydream. "Johnny! Pay attention! Here's a question for you: If five birds were chilling on a fence and you shot one with your BB gun, how many would be left?"

"Zero," replied Johnny, "Those birds aren't stupid – the rest would fly away."

"Well, the technical answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

"Oh yeah?" Johnny grinned. "Then I've got a brain-teaser for you! If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

Ms. Johnson's face turned the color of the red pen in her hand. "I... um... suppose the third one?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

7- Little Johnny (Like The Way You Think 2)

Mrs. Anderson tapped her chin thoughtfully, scanning the sea of eager first-grade faces. "Class, here's a riddle for you: What's bright red and shiny?"

Johnny's hand shot up so fast he nearly fell out of his chair. "Ooh, ooh! I know! It's a fire engine!" His eyes sparkled with excitement.

"Not quite what I had in mind," Mrs. Anderson chuckled, "but I do like your creative thinking, Johnny."

The classroom buzzed with whispers until tiny Susan, who barely ever spoke above a whisper, raised her hand. "Is it... is it an apple?"

"Exactly!" Mrs. Anderson beamed. "Well done, Susan!"

Before she could move on to the next lesson, Johnny's hand darted up again. "Teacher, I've got one! What's long, hard, rounded, and has hair at one end?"

"JOHNNY!" Mrs. Anderson's face turned as red as the apple they'd just discussed.

Johnny's innocent smile grew even wider. "It's a toothbrush, Mrs. Anderson." He paused for dramatic effect, then added with a wink, "But I really like how you think."

8- Little Johnny (Like The Way You Think 3)

A teacher brought some fruit to class one day. "I'll describe something from my bag, and you guess what it is," she said.

"It's round and red," she began.

She ignored Johnny's eager hand and picked Deborah. "An apple?" Deborah guessed.

"No, it's a beet, but good thinking! Now, this one is soft and fuzzy."

Johnny was bouncing in his seat, but the teacher called on Billy instead. "A peach?"

"No, it's a potato, but nice try. Here's another - it's long and yellow."

Johnny was bursting to answer, but the teacher picked Sally. "A banana?"

"No, it's a squash, but good guess!"

Fed up, Johnny burst out, "I've got one for you! Let me reach in my pocket... it's round, hard, and has a head on it."

"Johnny!" the teacher gasped. "That's inappropriate!"

"It's just a quarter," Johnny smiled. "But I like the way you're thinking."

9- Little Johnny Betting Problem

Little Johnny was infamous at school. So infamous, in fact, that on the first day of term, all new teachers got the same warning: "Never, ever make a bet with Little Johnny. The kid's a mastermind."

One sunny afternoon, Johnny's hand shot up in the middle of math class. His teacher, Ms. Smith, braced herself.

"Yes, Johnny?"

"I bet you fifty bucks I can guess the color of your underwear!" Johnny announced with a mischievous grin, causing the whole class to erupt in giggles.

Ms. Smith, thinking she could finally outsmart the notorious Little Johnny, smiled sweetly. "Meet me after class, young man. We'll settle this bet."

But Ms. Smith had a trick up her sleeve - or rather, under her skirt. Before the final bell, she sneaked off to the bathroom and removed her underwear entirely. Check and mate, she thought.

Once the classroom cleared out, Johnny stood confidently at her desk. "They're blue!"

Ms. Smith's eyes twinkled with victory. "Wrong!" She quickly flashed her skirt just enough to prove she wasn't wearing any. "Looks like you owe me fifty dollars!"

"Oh shoot," Johnny sighed. "Well, my dad's waiting in the car. I'll get the money from him."

They walked to the parking lot where Johnny's dad was waiting. Ms. Smith, still gloating, couldn't help but explain: "Sir, your son lost the bet. I proved to him I wasn't wearing any underwear at all!"

Johnny's dad slapped the steering wheel in frustration. "Son of a... That little devil bet me a hundred bucks this morning he'd get the teacher to show him her goods before school was out!"

10- Clever Little Johnny

Little Johnny wasn't exactly the sharpest crayon in the box – at least that's what all the neighborhood kids thought. Every single day, they'd pull their favorite prank: holding out a shiny dime in one hand and a bigger, duller nickel in the other.

"Hey Johnny," they'd snicker, trying to hold back their laughter. "Pick one!" And every single time, like clockwork, Johnny would squint real hard, scratch his head dramatically, and grab the nickel.

Finally, Mrs. Nancy, the sweet old lady next door who'd been watching this scene play out for months, couldn't take it anymore. She pulled Johnny aside one afternoon, her face full of grandmotherly concern.

"Oh, honey," she said, patting his shoulder. "Those mean boys are just trying to make a fool out of you. The dime may be smaller, but it's worth twice as much as that nickel!"

Johnny's face split into a grin so wide it threatened to escape his face entirely. He leaned in close and whispered, "I know that, Mrs. Nancy. But if I took the dime just once, their little game would be over, and they'd stop playing. So far, I've made twenty bucks off these dummies."

11- Little Johnny & the Light Bulb

Little Johnny and Little Susie are working together in a factory.

Susie says, "It's such a lovely day, and I really don't feel like working anymore. I bet I can convince the boss to give me the day off."

Johnny replies, "Oh really? How do you plan to do that?"

She grins and says, "Just watch, the boss is coming." Then she climbs up and hangs upside down from the rafters. When the boss arrives, he asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

She responds, "I'm a light bulb!"

The boss shakes his head and says, "You’ve lost it; you should probably take the day off."

So she hops down and starts to leave, with Johnny trailing behind her.

The boss asks, "Where do you think you're going?"

Johnny chimes in, "Are you kidding? You expect me to work in the dark?"

12- Contagious

In English class, the teacher turns to Little Johnny and asks, "Have you ever come across the word contagious?"

"Sure, miss," Johnny responds. "My dad mentioned it during our chat yesterday."

"Could you share that with the class and explain how he used it?"

"Absolutely, miss. We were watching our neighbor take out the trash when his bin fell over and made a mess on the driveway. Dad said, 'It’s going to take the contagious to clean all that up.'"

13- Little Timmy Master Plan

One morning, Little Johnny and his older brother, Little Timmy, are hanging out in their room when Timmy suggests, "Hey, I think it’s time we start swearing in front of Mum. Let’s ease her into it by dropping a few curse words at breakfast."

They head downstairs for breakfast and take their seats. Their mom asks Timmy, "What do you want for breakfast, Timmy?"

After a moment of thought, Timmy replies, "Well, shit Mum, I don’t know, I guess I’ll have some fucking Coco Pops."

Their mother loses it, starts smacking Timmy, and yells at him as she chases him back to his room, with Timmy crying the whole way.

Once she returns downstairs, she takes a deep breath and turns to Johnny, asking, "And what about you, Johnny? What do you want for breakfast?"

Johnny, looking pale and terrified, thinks for a moment and says, "I don’t know, but you can bet your ass it won’t be Coco Pops."

14- Little Johnny & Swearing

Little Johnny is having a blast with his toy trains in the living room while his mom is busy in the kitchen.

Suddenly, she hears him shout, "Alright, you sons of bitches and dirty whores, the train's leaving from platform 1 in five minutes! If you're not ready, you're fucked!"

She rushes in, yelling at him to watch his language, and sends him to his room for a two-hour timeout.

After two hours, Johnny comes back downstairs, a bit more mellow, and resumes playing with his trains.

From the kitchen, she hears him announce, "Ladies and gentlemen, the train will be departing from platform one in five minutes. Please have your bags ready and board in an orderly manner. If anyone's upset about the two-hour delay, take it up with the fucking bitch in the kitchen!"

15- Words Of Wisdom

Little Johnny was perched on a park bench, happily devouring candy bar after candy bar.

After he finished his sixth, a guy sitting on the opposite bench chimed in, "Hey kid, you realize that eating all that candy isn't great for you, right? It could give you acne, ruin your teeth, and make you gain weight."

Little Johnny shot back, "Well, my grandpa lived to be 107!"

The man responded, "Did your grandpa eat six candy bars at once?"

Little Johnny grinned and said, "Nope, he just minded his own damn business!"

16- Little Johnny & The Poor Teacher

Little Johnny has a big issue. He swears way too much, cursing like a sailor. His teacher knows about this, so she's being extra cautious to keep him from swearing today.

"Alright, class. We're going to play a game. I’ll say a letter from the alphabet, and I want you to think of a word that starts with that letter and use it in a sentence."

The kids are pumped, especially Johnny, who’s brainstorming all the swear words he can think of.

"Let’s kick things off with the letter A."

Johnny eagerly raises his hand.

"Sally," the teacher calls out.

"A is for apple. Apples grow on trees," she responds.

"Great job," the teacher praises. "Now, let’s move on to the letter B."

Johnny shoots his hand up again, full of excitement.

"Ricky," the teacher says.

"B is for basketball. Basketball is my favorite sport."

"Excellent," the teacher replies. "Now, let’s try the letter C."

This time, Johnny raises both hands! He’s super excited because he has the perfect word for C!

"Pauly," the teacher calls. "C is for cat. A cat lives in my backyard."

"Well done," the teacher says.

This continues, and the teacher is determined not to call on Johnny if there’s a swear word that matches the letter. Finally, they reach the letter R. The teacher can’t think of any curse words that start with R, and even Johnny looks a bit stumped. So she calls out R and asks Johnny to answer.

Johnny stands up nervously, glancing around the room. Then he says, "R is for a rat...," and suddenly he gets really excited, stretching his arms wide, "...a rat with a dick this big!"

17- Little Johnny & The Principal

The teacher at Johnny's school asked the students to share what their parents did for work.

One boy mentioned that his dad was an engineer, while another said his mom was a doctor.

When it was Johnny's turn, he stood up and declared, "My mom's a whore."

Of course, that comment landed him in the principal's office. He came back about 15 minutes later.

The teacher then asked, "Did you explain to the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny replied, "Yep."

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said every job matters in our economy, handed me an apple, and asked for her phone number."

18- Staff Of Life

Little Johnny's mom asked him to run to the store and grab a loaf of bread.

On his way back, Little Johnny is swinging the loaf in one hand while his other hand is tucked in his pants pocket.

As he walks, Priest Joe spots him and thinks, "This is a perfect chance to share a biblical message with Little Johnny."

He approaches Little Johnny and says, "I see you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What’s in the other?"

Little Johnny responds, "A loaf of bread, Father."

19- Little Johnny & The Cow

Little Johnny strolls through the village square, leading a cow.

The mayor spots him and asks, “Hey Johnny, what’s with the cow?”

“I’m taking her to the bulls so she can get pregnant,” Johnny replies.

The mayor is taken aback, “Shouldn’t your dad be handling that?”

Johnny ponders for a moment and then shakes his head, “Nah, I think the bulls are the right choice for that.”

20- Little Johnny Ideal Wife

One day in class, Little Johnny was listening to his teacher discuss life.

The teacher turned to him and asked, “Little Johnny, what kind of wife do you want?”

He replied, “Like the moon.”

The teacher smiled and said, “What a lovely answer! It’s so serene and tranquil.”

Little Johnny then clarified, “No, I mean because it shows up at night and vanishes by morning.”

21- Jesus Christ

A Sunday School teacher for preschoolers told her class that she wanted each of them to learn one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday.

When the next week rolled around, she went around the room asking each child what they had discovered.

Susie chimed in, "He was born in a manger."

Bobby added, "He kicked the money changers out of the temple."

Then little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck, but he can't drive it."

Intrigued, the teacher asked, "Where did you hear that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," Johnny replied.

"Yesterday, we were driving on the highway when a red pickup truck cut us off, and Daddy shouted, 'Jesus Christ! Why can't you learn to drive?'"

22- Little Johnny Punishment

Little Johnny heads down for breakfast, and since they live on a farm, his mom asks if he’s taken care of his chores yet.

"Not yet," replies Little Johnny.

His mom tells him he can’t have breakfast until he finishes his chores.

Feeling a bit annoyed, he goes out to feed the chickens and gives one a kick. Then he moves on to the cows and kicks one of them too. Finally, he feeds the pigs and kicks one as well.

When he returns for breakfast, his mom serves him a bowl of plain cereal.

"Why don’t I get any eggs and bacon? And where’s the milk for my cereal?" he questions.

His mom responds, "I saw you kick a chicken, so no eggs for you for a week. I also saw you kick the pig, so no bacon for a week. And since you kicked the cow, you won’t be getting any milk for a week either."

Just then, his dad walks in for breakfast and kicks the cat across the kitchen.

Little Johnny looks at his mom with a grin and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

23- Life Lessons

A science teacher aimed to educate her 5th graders about the dangers of alcohol, so she set up an experiment using a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Alright, class. Pay close attention to the worms," she instructed, placing the first worm into the water.

The worm in the water squirmed around, clearly enjoying its environment.

Next, she dropped the second worm into the whiskey. It thrashed in distress before quickly sinking to the bottom, lifeless.

"What can we learn from this experiment?" the teacher inquired.

Little Johnny, who always sits at the back, raised his hand and cleverly replied, "If you drink whiskey, you won't have worms!"

24- Little Johnny & The Mailman

At school, Little Johnny heard from a classmate that many adults are keeping at least one dark secret, making it easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Curious to test this out, Johnny goes home and, when his mother greets him, he says, "I know the whole truth." Without hesitation, she hands him $30 and replies, "Just don’t tell your father."

Feeling quite satisfied, Johnny waits for his dad to return from work. When his father walks in, Johnny greets him with, "I know the whole truth." His dad quickly gives him $60 and says, "Just keep this between us and don’t mention it to your mother."

The next day, excited about his newfound power, Johnny heads to school and spots the mailman at his front door. He approaches him and says, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms wide, and exclaims, "Then come here and give your father a big hug!"

25- Little Johnny Selling Secrets

Little Johnny approaches his mom and asks for $25. She declines, prompting him to say, "If you give me $25, I’ll spill the beans on what Dad told the maid while you were out shopping."

His mom, intrigued, responds, "Alright, Johnny, here’s $25. Now, what did your dad say to the maid?"

Johnny grins and replies, "Hey Doris, could you make sure I have a clean shirt for tomorrow?"

26- Giving Up

Little Johnny sees his mom applying cold cream to her face and asks, "Mom, why are you putting that on your face?"

His mom responds, "I'm doing it to look beautiful, Johnny."

A little while later, she begins to wipe the cream off with a tissue. Johnny then asks, "What's wrong? Are you giving up?"

27- Honeybee & Cockroach

One day, while having fun in the backyard, Little Johnny accidentally squashes a honeybee.

His dad witnesses the act and, fuming, declares, “You’re off honey for a whole month!”

A few hours later, Johnny’s dad catches him ripping the wings off a butterfly.

“That’s enough! No butter for you for a month!” his dad exclaims.

Later that night, as Johnny’s mom is preparing dinner, a cockroach scurries across the kitchen floor. She screams and stomps on it, only to look up and see Little Johnny and her husband staring at her.

Little Johnny turns to his dad and asks, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?”

28- Seven Cats

Teacher: "Alright, if I give you 2 cats, then another 2 cats, and then 2 more, how many do you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, pay attention... If I give you two cats, plus another two, and then another two, how many do you end up with?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let’s try this another way. If I give you two apples, then another two apples, and then two more, how many do you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Great! Now, if I give you two cats, plus another two cats, and then two more, how many do you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where are you getting seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I already have a cat!"

29- Horse Auction

Little Johnny went to a horse auction with his dad. He observed his father checking out each horse, feeling their legs, back, and chest.

After a little while, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His dad explained, "I need to ensure the horses are healthy and in good condition before I make a purchase."

With a concerned look, Johnny replied, "Dad, I think the mailman is trying to buy Mum."

30- Ambitions

The teacher poses a question to the class: "Who here knows what they want to be when they grow up?"

Without hesitation, Little Johnny shouts, "I’m going to be a multi-millionaire! I’ll own houses all around the globe. I’ll have a stunning wife, and I’ll give her an unlimited Visa card so she can shop to her heart's content. She’ll have access to my private jet to fly anywhere she wants for shopping sprees. I plan to spend three amazing hours with her every day!"

The teacher, a bit taken aback and unsure how to react, chooses to overlook Johnny since he didn’t raise his hand.

Then, Little Suzy raises her hand, and the teacher calls on her.

When asked about her future aspirations, Suzy responds, "I want to be Johnny's wife!"

31- Little Johnny In A Concert

At the concert, Little Johnny is in the front row, eagerly waiting for the show to start.

A buddy asks, "Hey Johnny, how did you score a ticket to this concert?"

Johnny responds, "I got a ticket from my sister."

The friend then asks, "So, where's your sister?"

Johnny replies, "She's at home, trying to find her ticket."