1- Car Failure - Engineering Jokes

A software engineer, a mechanical engineer, and an electrical engineer are carpooling to work, when suddenly the car stops running and they pull over.

The mechanical engineer says, "I think it's a problem with the engine. I'll have to get out and inspect."

The electrical engineer says, "No, no. It's got to be an electrical issue. I will grab my meter and troubleshoot to find out what is going on."

The software engineer says, "Fuck all that. Let's just get out and get back in again."

2- Talking Frog - Engineering Jokes

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket.

The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"

Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"

The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

3- Good Choice - Engineering Jokes

Two engineering students were walking through the campus when one asked the other, “Where did you get such an amazing bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when an attractive woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

“The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

4- Who Design The Human Body - Engineering Jokes

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

5- The Problems Start - Engineering Jokes

An Engineer walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”

The Bartender senses pain but obliges.

The Engineer drinks the beer and then orders another, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”

The Bartender gives him another beer, but is visibly concerned for the Engineer.

After the 6th beer, the Bartender is totally confused and asks the Engineer, “Hey, when are you going to pay for these beers?”

The Engineer answers, “See! Now the problems start!”

6- Glass Half-Full Or Half-Empty? - Engineering Jokes

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

7- Wife & The Software Engineer - Engineering Jokes

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

8- Difference Between Doctor & Engineer - Engineering Jokes

What’s the difference between a doctor and an engineer?

A doctor kills people one at a time.

9- Spending Time With The Wife - Engineering Jokes

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

10- Engineer & The Sales Man - Engineering Jokes

A sales engineer, software engineer and a salesman were all going on a hike in the woods together. Several hours into the hike a snowstorm hit and they lost the trail.

Fortunately they happened upon an empty cabin. They were good for water and shelter until the storm passed, but had no food. The salesman volunteered to go out and look for something to eat.

An hour later the engineers heard the salesman screaming for help. Looking out the cabin’s window they saw him running toward them with an angry grizzly bear in pursuit and opened the door to let the him in.

The salesman ran into the cabin leaving the door open behind him thus letting the bear into the cabin as well. He made one lap around the table and ran back out the door slamming it behind him trapping the bear in the cabin with the two engineers.

The salesman was then heard to say “You guys get that one skinned and in the pot! I’m going to find another.”

11- Engineer & The Attractive Girl - Engineering Jokes

A young engineer is taking a train trip with his ornery boss. They happen to be seated across the aisle from an attractive young woman and her grandmother.

After awhile, it becomes clear that the young engineer and the young woman are attracted to each other.

Suddenly the train goes into a dark tunnel. There is the sound of a loud kiss, then the smack of a slap.

The ornery boss says to himself, “That young engineer finally kissed that young woman. I didn’t think he had it in him. I wonder if he knows that she slapped me in the face instead of him?”

The grandmother is fuming, “The nerve of that young engineer to kiss my grand daughter! At least she had the gumption to slap him in the face!”

The young woman is thinking, “I really liked kissing that young engineer but it’s too bad my grandmother slapped him!”

While the young engineer is grinning, “What a country! It’s not often that you get to kiss an attractive young woman AND slap your boss in the face at the same time!”

12- Engineer In A Deserted Island - Engineering Jokes

A physicist, chemist and an engineer are sailing out at sea. Unfortunately the boat sinks and they are stuck on a deserted island. They find a bag with a can of food in it, but no can opener.

The physicist takes off his glasses and focuses the sunlight on the top of the can to try and burn the lid. He was unsuccessful.

The chemist attempts to erode the can to force it open. No joy.

The engineer finally jumps up and shouts “I have an idea! Let’s assume the can is open!!”

13- Ego Of Engineering Students - Engineering Jokes

You know I hate engineering students sometimes. For example, I hate it when engineering students call themselves engineers, like you don’t hear med students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.

14- An Engineer In Hell - Engineering Jokes

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action.

The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?

The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."

"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."

The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."

God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"

The Devil laughs. "Good luck finding a lawyer"

15- Graduates With Different Degrees - Engineering Jokes

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

16- Arguing With An Engineer - Engineering Jokes

Never argue with an engineer because arguing with Engineers is like killing the mosquito on your cheek.

You might or might not kill it, but you’ll end up slapping yourself.

17- Nuclear Engineers - Engineering Jokes

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Seven.

One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

18- An Introverted vs Extroverted Engineers - Engineering Jokes

What's the difference between an introverted and an extroverted engineer?

An introverted engineer looks at his shoes when he's talking to you, where as an extroverted engineer looks at your shoes when he's talking to you.

19- Where's The Lie & What's The Pi? - Engineering Jokes

An old country gentleman sent his son off to engineering school.

Four years later, upon his son’s return, he asked him what he had learned at college.

The son replied, “Pi r square.”

The dad exclaimed, “You didn’t learn nothin’, boy! Pie are round; bread’s square.”

20- Ticket Please - Engineering Jokes

Three engineers and three accountants take a train to a conference. Each of the accountants buys a ticket for themselves but the engineers only buy one between the three of them. One of the accountants asks the engineers how they expect to travel with just one ticket. The engineers tell the accountants to watch and learn.

The group boards the train and it pulls out of the station. The accountants take their seats but the engineers all cram into the lavatory together. When the conductor comes around the accountants give him their tickets. He knocks on the door of the lavatory and says, "Ticket, please." The engineers crack the door and slide the one ticket out to the conductor.

The accountants are thoroughly impressed and decide to try this technique on the return journey. When the time comes, they buy their single ticket. However the engineers don't buy any tickets at all. The accountants are again perplexed but the engineers again assure them that they have a technique to travel, this time with no ticket.

The train arrives, the group boards and it leaves the station. The engineers again all cram into a lavatory, while the accountants cram into a lavatory of their own. Then one of the engineers exits their lavatory, walks over to the accountants' lavatory, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

21- Small Red Ball - Engineering Jokes

A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are led into a room and asked to determine the volume of a small red ball.

The physicist takes a graduate cylinder, fills it with water, marks the level, and drops the ball in. He notes the change in water level when the ball sinks to the bottom and leaves.

The mathematician takes a ruler, measures the radius, and computes the volume from (4/3) x pi x radius x radius x radius. He then leaves.

The engineer smiles and pulls out his copy of "Properties of Small Red Balls."

22- Psychological Study- Engineering Jokes

A psychologist is doing a study. He takes a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer, and puts them each in their own room with a desk, three ball bearings, a sheet of paper, and a pencil.

He then leaves them alone for an hour.

After the hour has passed, he checks on the mathematician first. His ball bearings are arrayed in a triangle, he hands the psychologist a page-long proof.

He checks on the physicist, and the physicist's ball bearings are carefully balanced one on top of the other, the physicist hands him a page of meticulous notes.

Entering the engineer's room, he finds a pile of metal dust and a note scrawled on the paper "They broke, I'm at the bar down the street"

23- Engineer Vs Doctor- Engineering Jokes

An Engineer was unemployed for a long time.

He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and put a sign up outside that read: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000.”

A Doctor saw the sign and thought: “This is a good opportunity to earn $1,000,” and goes to the clinic.

Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put three drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “This is gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor gets annoyed and leaves. He goes back after a couple of days to recover his money.

Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put three drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “But that is gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Furious, the Doctor leaves. Several days later the Doctor returns.

Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”

Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”

Doctor: “But this is only $500..?”

Engineer: Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back. That will be $500.”

24- Slow Golf Day - Engineering Jokes

A minister, a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are playing golf when they get stuck behind a particularly slow foursome.

They call over a groundskeeper and ask what the deal is.

The groundskeeper says, “Those are four firefighters who were blinded in a terrible fire. We let them play here as a courtesy.”

The minister says, “That’s awful. I’ll pray for them in church this Sunday.”

The doctor says, “I know a famous eye surgeon. I’ll talk to him about their case.”

The lawyer says, “I’ll look into their settlement and make sure they got everything they deserve.”

The engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”

25- Mechanical engineer & Conventional Wisdom - Engineering Jokes

Conventional wisdom: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Mechanical Engineer: If it ain’t broke, consider adding more features.

26- Mechanical Vs Civil Engineer - Engineering Jokes

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

27- Job Well Done - Engineering Jokes

An engineer, statistician, and a physicist are out hunting in the woods.

After a few hours the group spots a deer and the physicist decides to go first.

He shoots and he misses by a meter behind the deer.

The engineer goes next and overshoots by a meter.

The statistician subsequently screams out "Hey we got it".

28- Newton, Einstein, & Pascal - Engineering Jokes

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.

Pascal runs off and hides.

Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.

Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”

Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”

29- Different Roles - Engineering Jokes

Aerospace Engineers build the rocket.

Chemical engineers build the rocket fuel.

Electrical engineers build the guidance system.

Nuclear engineers build the payload.

Environmental engineers clean it up.

30- A Farmer Challenge - Engineering Jokes

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are challenged by a farmer to enclose his cows in a field with the smallest amount of fence possible.

The physicist measures one of the cows for several hours, grabs his laptop, codes for a while, compiles & runs the program, then marks and cuts the fence. After installing it, the cows are snugly contained.

The engineer shakes her head, grabs the fence at the seam, and pulls. It constricts tightly around the cows, and she cuts off the remainder.

The mathematician scoffs, picks up the scrap fence, wraps it around herself, and shouts: "I declare myself to be on the outside!"

31- An Engineer, A Priest, & A Thief - Engineering Jokes

An Engineer, a priest, and a thief were each sentenced to death by guillotine.

They bring out the priest first, and he says "Please. Allow me to lie in the guillotine facing up, so that I might face towards God as I am about to join him."

The guards allow it, and place his head through the slot. The guard pulls the lever and the blade comes down but stops just inches short of the priest's head. It's regarded as such a freak occurrence that the priest is pardoned and set free.

Next up is the thief. He says "Heck, it worked for the priest. Put me in face up too." Again the guards allow it, and again they pull the lever. The blade comes falling down, but again stops just short of the thief's neck. Like the priest, the thief is granted a pardon and set free, due to the marvelously good turn of fortune.

Finally the engineer is brought out. He asks "If you don't mind, could you put me in facing up?"

The guards agree and place him in the machine. The guard grabs a hold of the lever, but just before he can pull, the engineer points up and says:

"Oh hey, I think I see where the problem is."

32- Close Enough - Engineering Jokes

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are each presented with a beautiful woman placed 8 feet away. The stipulation is that at each time interval, they may move half of the remaining distance towards her.

The mathematician concludes that after N iterations there will be 8 divided by 2N feet remaining which will never equal zero so he gives up on the spot.

The physicist opines that if each iteration requires a finite amount of energy then the energy expended in the approach will be inversely proportional to the distance remaining and gives up on the spot.

The engineer says "8 feet, 4 feet, 2 feet, 1 foot, 6 inches, that's close enough for practical purposes".