Top 30 Most hilarious jokes for seniors

1- Loyal Wife

An ill elderly man calls out for his wife.

"Dottie," he says, "you've always been here by my side.

When I was drafted into the Army as a young man, you were there.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I was in that bad car accident, you were there.

And now, as I lay here sick, you're right here by my side.

"Dottie, I'm beginning to think you're bad luck.”

2- Hearing Problem

An elderly man goes to the Dr. and says he believes his wife has a hearing problem.

The Dr suggests an experiment to talk to the wife and say something when she has her back to you. If she doesn’t hear you, then keep moving closer to her asking the same question.

So the man goes home and his wife is at the stove cooking dinner. He stops in the doorway and asks her what they’re having for dinner.

She didn’t say anything, so he moves closer and asks the same question.

He still did not get a response, so he moves closer until he is right behind her and asks the question again.

His wife turns around and says, “For the third time, I said chicken.”

3- Old Man & The 20 Year Old

An old man and a 20 year old are paired together at a golf tournament. They’re playing a long par 5 that dog legs around some tall trees.

As the 20 year old sets up his tee shot to hit onto the fairway the old man notes “when I was your age we used to hit over the trees - not around to the side.”

So the 20 year old readjusts and tries to hit over the trees - but can’t clear them and loses his ball. He tries again and loses that one too…

Then the old man says “of course, when I was your age, the trees were only 6 foot tall.”

4- iPhone vs The Phone Book

5- Acute Angina

An old man with bad hearing and old woman with bad heart got married and went on their honeymoon.

They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said I should tell you I have acute angina.

The old man says I hope so, you sure don't have cute tits.

6- 5-Star Hotel

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager.

The manager showed up and explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.

"But I didn't use them," the old woman said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," he replied.

The manager proceeded with she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.

"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," he said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

The manager replied, "Well, we have them, and you could have."

Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, "But I didn't use it!"

The manager then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.

The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00," he said.

"That is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," the old lady replied.

"But I didn't!" the manager shouted.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

7- God Will Provide

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents.

After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a scholar," he replies.

"A scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and god will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support the children?"

"Don't worry, sir. God will provide," replies the fiancé.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that god will provide.

Later that evening the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm god."

8- Broken Arm

9- Great Health

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor said, “You are in great health! All your tests are good. And for our records, may I ask, at what age did your father die?”

The 60-year-old patient said, “I didn’t say my father died! My father is 80. He skis, runs marathons and is in excellent health!”

“Oh, that’s wonderful! Well then, for our records, at what age did your grandfather die?”

“I didn’t say my grandfather died! My grandfather is 100, teaches dance lessons and plays golf four days a week. In fact, he’s getting married next month!”

“Why would your 100 year old grandfather want to get married?”

“I didn’t say he WANTED to get married!”

10- Three Old Men

Three old men are sitting on a park bench.

"Windy, isn't it?"

"No its Thursday."

"Me too, lets go to the bar for a drink."

11- Age Related Problems

Three old friends were talking.

One said, "Every morning I try to pee, but it just comes out as a trickle and takes forever.

The second said, "I have it worse because every morning I try to poo, but I push and push and hardly anything comes out."

The third said, "You guys have it easy. Every morning at 5 am I piss like a racehorse. At 6 am I shit like a pig. Only, I don't wake up until 7!"

12- Forgetfulness

13- Ugliest Child

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

14- Forgetful Fool

Old John says to his wife, ‘I’m going to the kitchen for a snack. You want anything?’

Dora replies, ‘There’s no point telling you. You’ll just forget what I want.’

John is annoyed and assures her his memory isn’t that bad. He can surely remember what she wants between the living room and the kitchen. So she gives in and says, ‘Alright, bring me some toast and jam.’

John goes to the kitchen and is gone for awhile. When he comes back he proudly puts a bowl of ice cream in front of Dora and says, ‘There! I said I wouldn’t forget.’

Dora looks down at the ice cream with disdain. ‘You damn old forgetful fool. You forgot the chocolate syrup.’

15- Funeral Arrangements

An old man on his deathbed smells his favorite cookies being made in the kitchen.

He manages to gather enough strength to drag himself out of bed.

Sure enough, on the table he sees a tray of smoking fresh cookies, and his wife is just putting another tray in the oven.

He reaches over to grab one, but his wife turns around and smacks his hand away, as she shouts - hands off. Those are for the funeral.

16- Aerobics Class for Seniors

17- Vincent With A Brain

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden; but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like wont be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa

A few days later he received this letter from his son:

Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie

At 6 am the next morning, FBl agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Vinnie

18- Older Woman & The Cop

An older woman gets pulled over for speeding

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!

19- Unfaithful jake

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

20- Good Looking or Looking Good

21- 90 year old with Alzheimer's

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's.

I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife.

Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago.

I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question, but the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the weight in gold.

22- Hearing Aid

An elderly couple is sitting in a quiet church as the preacher prepares to give his sermon.

The wife whispers to her husband, "I need to pass gas but I think it might be one of those silent but deadly farts. What should I do?"

The husband replies, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

23- Problem With Nursing Home

A very old man gets consigned to a nursing home. They prop him up in bed.

On day 1, the nurse comes in and finds him canted way to the left. So she props him upright, piles pillows on his left side, and goes off.

On day 2, he's leaning all the way to his right. So they prop him up, move the pillows to his right side.

On day 3, there he is leaning leftwards again. This time they wedge him in with pillows on left and right side.

On day 4, his family visits him. first question they ask him, of course, is how he likes his new home?

He tells them "it's fine, but they won't let you fart."

24- 75 Year Old & The Parrot

25- Getting Better

A retired man now volunteers to entertain patients in assisted living homes and hospitals.

He visited one hospital in Brooklyn and brought along his portable keyboard.

After telling jokes and singing songs at patients’ bedsides, he said farewell and, “I hope you get better.”

One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

26- Solving Puzzle

An elderly lady calls her neighbor and says,

"Please come over and help me. I have a puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's done?"

The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

He decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle pieces spread over the table.

He studies the pieces for a minute, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he says with a deep sigh ......

"Let's put all of the Corn Flakes back in the box."

27- Bet on the wrong horse

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Bella Grace' written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Bella Grace' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."

She shrugs and walks away.

Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She answers, "Your horse called."

28- Go Peacefully

29- Nasty Parrot

A man buys a parrot and brings him home.

But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson.

He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet.

The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."

The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."

The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"

30- Getting Away With Farting

A young man has been dating a young woman he really likes for a few months, and she invites him to meet her parents.

They go to her parents' home for dinner, and he is introduced to the family pet Rover, an old Labrador.

Everything is going well and he's enjoying the meal, when all of a sudden, the guy is overcome with a need to fart.

Oh gosh, what is he going to do? He's trying to impress her parents!

He suppresses it for a while, but the pressure is growing. Eventually, he decides he has to relieve it a bit, and ever so carefully, he releases just a little bit of gas.

About 15 seconds later, his girlfriend's father pauses mid-sentence to bark "Rover!" at the dog, and continues speaking.

Rover is lying in the corner of the room, between the boyfriend and the father, and fortunately, it seems that the father thinks that it's Rover who's farting.

A few minutes later, the boyfriend risks releasing a little bit more.

Another 15 seconds or so after that, as the odor spreads, the father again hollers: "Rover!"

Conversation continues, and the boyfriend is mightily relieved that he seems to have gotten away with releasing some of the pressure in his bowels, without embarrassing himself in front of his girlfriend's parents.

Eventually he risks releasing all of the remaining pressure, as quietly as he can.

A few seconds later, the father roars: "For God's sake, Rover, move out of the way before this boy shits all over you!"