100 Of the Funniest Dad Jokes You Will Ever Read

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"

My Manager called me on my day off and asked me to come in because they were short staffed... I said "Hire taller people" and hung up.

Patient says to the doctor, “Doctor, I have a ringing in my ear…..” The doctor replies: “Then whatever you do, don’t answer it.”

What do you call a wannabe musician? A saxophoney.

This morning, I was walking down the street and i was hit by a violin, then a clarinet and hen a French horn... I think it was an orchestrated attack.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

Why did the lizard go to the Urologist? He had a reptile dysfunction.

I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.

My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

What's it like to have the best son in the world? You'll have to ask grandpa!

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.

Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will let it go.

I told my wife she was the glue in our relationship. She said, “I’m stuck to you!”

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.

What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room? The living room.

How do you organize a space party? You planet.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

Why was the broom late? It swept in.

I’m friends with all electricians—so current.

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.

I’m really good at my job as a baker, I knead the dough.

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!

Why don’t skeletons ever use cell phones? They don’t have the guts.

What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit? A nectarine.

Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.

I couldn’t figure out how to put my seatbelt on. Then it clicked.

What’s a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.

I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a dog? Frostbite.

Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re really, really good at it.

Why don’t skeletons like to fight? They don’t have the stomach for it.

Why shouldn't you wear glasses when you play football? Because it's a contact sport.

I took up origami for a while, but I gave it up because it was too much paperwork.

What does Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They both have the same middle name.

I love my furniture. My recliner and I go way back.

“Do your socks have holes in them?” “No”. “Then how'd you get your feet in them?”

I tell dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs.

Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in.

Dad putting car in reverse. Dad, “Ahh, this takes me back”

“Would you like the milk in the bag?” Dad: “No thanks, you can keep it in the carton.”

Whatever you do always give 100%.Unless you are donating blood.

Did you hear the joke about the pregnant woman who went into labor and started shouting, “Couldn’t! Wouldn’t! Shouldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”? She was having contractions.

I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

What did the flame say to his buddies after he fell in love? A: “I found the perfect match!”

Why do narcissists hate playing tennis? Because love means nothing to them!

Dad: Look at that flock of cows over there. Kids: A HERD of cows. Dad: Of course I heard of cows, there is a flock of them right over there.

"If a child doesn't want to take a nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?”

A magician was walking down the street. Then, he turned into a grocery store.

Three guys walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

Why do flamingos lift up one leg? Because if they lift both they would fall.

What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.

You know why you never see an elephant hiding in a tree? Because they’re very good at it.

You know why elephants paint their balls red? So they can hide in cherry trees. You know what the loudest sound in the forest is? Giraffes eating cherries.

Dad: Did you know that the people living nearby actually can't be buried in that cemetery. Kid: Why? Dad: Because they're not dead yet.

Someone broke in last night and stole all my anti-depressants. I hope they’re happy.

What’s green, furry, has 4 legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree onto you? A pool table.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!

I had a terrible day yesterday. As I was walking home, a man in a wheelchair stole my camouflage jacket! As he was wheeling away, I shouted after him, "you can hide but you can't run!”

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change colors? He had a reptile dysfunction.

Do you know why I never trust stairs? Because they are always up to something.

“Ok I just took the photo”. “Well that’s rude, you should give it back”.

"Did you take a bath?” “No, why, is there one missing?"

I haven't been to the gym in so long I’ve gone back to calling it James.

Hey what does a pirate say when he's 80? “Aye matey.”

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? "Dam!"

I was abducted by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter.

I like to tell cheesy jokes, but all my friends are laughtose intolerant.

What's brown and sticky? A stick

At a man's funeral, the man's brother asks his widow, "May I say a word?" She nods. "Plethora," he says. The widow replies, "Thank you, that means a lot.”

What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle? The polar bear.

What’s blue and not heavy? Light blue.

What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

Two helium atoms walk into a bar. He He

"911, what's your emergency?" "Help, my wife is going into labor!" "Ok, just stay calm. Is this her first child?" "...no, it's her husband."

"I'd like to give a shout out to sidewalks, for keeping me off the street”.

If my feet smell and my nose runs , am I built upside down?

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes a parent.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it's all groan.

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?!

What happens when you boil a funny bone? It becomes a Laughing Stock.

What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man!

Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass? It could crack up.

I went shopping for a pair of camouflage pants. But I couldn't find any.

Bacon and eggs walk into a diner. The host says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast here.”

I told a chemistry joke once. I didn't get much of a reaction.

My dad was hit on the head with a can of soda. Luckily, it was a soft drink.

I used to steal soap, but I'm clean now.