Jokes Are Us has decided to take the plunge into the holy waters of humor. We welcome you aboard to the holy grail of humor (In this case :"20 of the funniest nun jokes"), where the jokes are so habit-ually funny, even the religious ones amongst us can't keep a straight face!

Whether you're a saint or a sinner, these 20 best nun jokes are guaranteed to make you laugh so hard, you'll need to confess your giggles. So, grab your rosary, light a candle, and prepare for some divine comedy that's truly habit-forming!

1- Don't Sell The Cow

The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said: "Don't sell that cow".

2- Nuns & The Blind Man

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

One nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room.

Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?

3- Pregnant Nun

A nun went to the Mother Superior and said she was pregnant.

The Mother Superior told her to suck on two lemons.

“Will that stop me being pregnant?” the nun asked.

“No but it will take the smile off your face!”

4- God Is Watching

The students were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic primary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One child whispered to another, "Hey, we can take all we want. God is watching the apples."

5- Nun & The Cabbie

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that – you have to be single and you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Steve and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

6- Nun & The Alcohol

A nun is standing outside a pub and a man comes round the corner, planning to grab an after-work bevy. The nun immediately points at him, and intones:

"Before you enter this den of sin and debauchery, think of your mother and father!"

The man wipes away a tear, and says "They're dead, God bless ‘em. They're dead, in heaven."

"Well," says the nun, "Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain!"

"What? What are you talking about?" the man asks. "Have you ever had a drink?" The nun says she has not. "Then how can you talk to me about alcohol? I'll tell you what I'll do," he continues, "I'll buy you a drink, and after you've drunk it, then you can talk to me about alcohol. What'll you have?"

"I don't know," says the nun. "What do ladies usually drink?"

"Gin," he replies.

"Oh, alright," she says. "But - but can you put it in a cup, so nobody notices." The man nods and walks into the bar, calling out to the bartender.

"Bartender! I'll have a beer, and a double gin in a cup!"

"It's that bloody nun outside again, isn't it?"

7- Nun & The Soldier

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either.”

8- Nun & The Fig Leaf

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. But when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”

“No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

9- Nun & The Sara Pipalini

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says “Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and zing she’s gone.

The second says, “I want to be Madonna;” and zingf she’s gone. The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini;” replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says “No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”

10- Savage Nun

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (whose habits partially blocked the view), 3 men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."

The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."

The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice said "Why don't you go to Hell, there aren't any nuns there."

11- Gabriel’s Horn

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John’s nakedness if she could help it, to do whatever he told her to do, and to pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the bath had gone. “Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.”

“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.

“Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now?” said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued: “And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” said the old nun.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old Devil,” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”

12- Nuns & The Holy Water

A bus load of nuns is killed in a motor accident, they arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St Peter. He says to them, "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I'll let you all through the Pearly Gates, but before I may do that, I need to ask each of you a single question".

St Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her, "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?". The Sister responds, "Well there was this one time I touched one with the tip of my pinky finger". St Peter says, "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger into the Holy water and you may be admitted", and she did so.

St Peter now turns to the second nun and says to her, "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well, there was this one time that I held one for a moment". "Alright Sister, just wash your hands in the Holy water and you may be admitted", and she does so.

Now this moment, St Peter hears a jostling in the line, it seems that one nun in the line is trying to cut in front of another.

St Peter sees this and asks the nun, "Sister Susan, what is this, there's no rush". Sister Susan responds, "Well if I am going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd better do so before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it".

13- Nun & The Priest In The Sahara Desert

A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke, "well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh father, may I touch it?"

This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true father?"

"Yes it is, sister."

"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and let's get the fuck out of here."

14- Two Nuns & The Stalker

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael. Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone.

"Thank the Lord you are alright!", exclaims Sister Patrick. "But what happened to that man?"

Well, replies Sister Michael, "After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress." Sister Patrick stares in shock. "Then," continues Sister Michael, "he stopped and pulled down his trousers."

Sister Patrick gasps. "Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?"

"Because" explains Sister Michael, "a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!"

15- Two Nuns & The Cigarette Butts

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said 'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.' The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!' The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. 'You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'

The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. 'Good morning sister,' said the pharmacist. 'What can I do for you today?' 'I'd like some condoms please' said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, 'How many boxes would you like-there are twelve to a box.' 'I'll take six box

es that should last about a week' said the nun. The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, 'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.' The sister thought for a minute, and finally said, 'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?

16- Your Or Our

A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," He replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."

The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church."

He thanks her again and calls for a repairman. The following day the priest is preparing for a visit from the local bishop. As he is weeding the gardens, he cuts his hand. Calling the nun over he says, "there's a bottle of rubbing alcohol in my quarters somewhere, could you fetch it for me?"

The nun nods and goes looking for it. It is as the priest is greeting the bishop that she returns from the church and loudly announces "father, don't worry about the weed, the alcohol was under our bed!"

17- Three Nuns In Heaven

Three nuns die and go to Heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun. "Eve." The gates swing open, and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to the second nun. "The Garden of Eden." The gates swing open once more.

"Now, seeing as you're the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question, what was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?" St. Peter says to the third nun. "Oh, that's a hard one..." The gates swing open.

18- Mother Superior's Constipation

So, a nun walks into a liquor store and asks the guy behind the counter for a fifth of vodka. The guy thinks for a minute, and says, “Sister, I can’t sell you booze. You’re a nun!”

The nun giggles nervously and says, “Oh, it’s not for me. It’s for Mother Superior.” Then she leans forward and whispers, “it’s for her constipation!”

The guy says, “Oh, OK. That’s different. Medical purposes. That’s OK.” and he sells her the bottle of vodka.

A couple of hours later, he closes the shop, and about two blocks down the street he sees an empty vodka bottle, and a drunken nun lying in the gutter a few feet away. He pokes her with his toe, and she rolls over and groans.

"Sister, I am ashamed of you! You lied to me!”

The nun says, “I din’ lie t—to you.”

“Yes you did, you said the vodka was for Mother Superior’s constipation.”

The nun rolls her eyes and says, “It was! When she sees me like this, she’s gonna shit!”

19- Irish Nuns

A car full of Irish nuns is standing at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

20- Nun & The Tailor

A nun ruined her uniform and asked her tailor for a replacement.

Nearly 3 weeks later she angrily calls him asking what’s taking so long.

“I don’t know why you’re upset.” - He coolly replies. “It takes at least 21 days to form a new habit.”