Attention, soldiers of humor and veterans of laughter! Welcome to the frontline of funny — where camouflage meets comedy, and the only thing firing is punchlines (too much?). Whether you’ve survived boot camp, binge-watched war movies, or just enjoy a good laugh at military life’s expense, this blog’s for you.

So tighten your belts, polish those dad jokes, and prepare for 30 of the greatest military jokes that’ll have you laughing so hard, even your drill sergeant might crack a smile (just don’t let him catch you).

1- General & The Soldier

A General Questions a Soldier, “What will you do if you have 20 enemies running at you?”?

“I will shoot them down with my Uzi, sir!” He responds

“And how would you react if a tank were rolling toward you?”

"I would take an anti-tank launcher and destroy it, sir!"

"And if you see enemy planes, tanks, and soldiers all attacking you at once, what will you do?"

The soldier looks at the general, confused, and asks, "General, am I the only soldier in your army?"

2- Navy Recruitment

A guy decides he wants to join the Navy. So he strolls into the recruiting station, sits down, and starts talking with the recruiter.

Before long, they’ve checked off the boxes: he’s fit, has 20/20 vision, and doesn’t have any strange medical issues—so far, so good! But then the recruiter leans in with one last zinger.

"Can you swim?"

The guy suddenly looks like he just spotted a shark. "What, don't you have enough boats?"

3- Colonel & The Son

A colonel was anxiously awaiting the graduation of the airborne school. His estranged son, having faced a string of setbacks and narrowly dodged jail time, had enlisted in the military. The father had used his influence to secure a spot for him in airborne school, directing him to his first duty station at West Point, where he was currently stationed.

The son harbored deep resentment toward his father and was intent on avoiding any kind of closeness with him. As the graduation ceremony unfolded, the colonel approached his son, a proud yet uneasy smile on his face. "I'm really proud of you, son. So, how did your first jump go?"

The son launched into a loud recounting. "Well, Dad, there I was, terrified! I made sure to position myself at the back of the line. Eventually, I just couldn't hold it in and yelled, 'I can't do it! I'm scared!"

The father's anxiety grew, "But the jump master got you sorted, right?"

"Well, Dad, the jump master put his hand on my shoulder firmly and yelled, "Private, if you don't jump out of this plane right now, I'm going to pull out my dick and shove it up your ass!"

The father, shocked at the inappropriateness of the conversation, checked nervously and said, "But you jumped right?"

The son just smiled and said, "A little at first."

4- Not A Sailor

Once upon a time, a little boy and his family were exploring a Naval base. While they were there, the boy felt the urge to use the restroom. As he stepped inside, he spotted a sailor carefully washing his hands. His eyes widened in amazement as he exclaimed, "Wow! Are you really a sailor?"

Smiling down at him, the sailor replied, "Why yes, I am! Would you like to try on my hat?" The boy's face lit up with excitement, and he exclaimed, "Yes, please!" The sailor handed him the hat, and the boy joyfully placed it on his head, darting around the restroom with glee.

In the midst of his play, the door swung open, and a marine stepped in. The boy skidded to a stop in front of the marine, his eyes sparkling with wonder as he declared, "Wow! Are you really a marine?"

The marine looks down at the boy and says, "Why yes, I am! Would you like to suck my dick?" The little boy says, "I'm not really a sailor, I'm only borrowing the hat!”

5- General & The lady

A silver-haired Army general strolls into a hotel bar and takes a seat next to a striking young woman. They instantly connect, and she seems to have a penchant for men in uniform. With a playful smile, she suggests, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general, feeling flattered, replies, “I appreciate the offer, but at my age, I’m not sure I can meet your expectations.”

She gestures confidently, “Come on, you look fit! When was the last time you were intimate?”

He pauses and responds thoughtfully, “Well, it was probably back in 1950.”

“Wow!” she exclaims. “Don’t worry; I’m sure you’ll remember how to have fun!”

They end up in bed, and to her surprise, the general showcases impressive skills. Afterward, she beams and says, “General, that was amazing! I can’t believe you haven’t lost your touch since 1950!”

The general chuckles and replies, “Well, I should hope not. It’s only 2130 now.”

6- General & The Private

A general is standing by the vending machines when a private strolls past.

"Private, do you have change for a dollar?" the general inquires.

"I sure do, buddy!" the private responds, rummaging through his pockets.

"Private, that's not how you address a superior officer! Hit the ground and give me fifty!"

Without hesitation, the private drops to the floor and starts doing push-ups while the general counts each one.

"Now, let's try that again, private. Do you have change for a dollar?"

"Sir, no sir!" the private replies.

7- General In A Train

An off-duty soldier boarded a train. At the first stop, a general stepped inside, prompting the soldier to rise.

The general remarked, "At ease, soldier, take a seat."

When the train reached its second stop, the soldier stood again, and the general repeated, "At ease, soldier, sit down."

When the train came to its third stop, the soldier stood up once more. The general quizzically said this time, "You don't need to salute every time we stop."

The soldier responded, "Actually, I want to get off, Sir. I missed my stop two stations back.”

8- Wash Your Hand

A Marine and a sailor head into the latrine. After they’re done, the sailor moves over to the sink to wash his hands while the Marine is about to leave.

The sailor calls out, “You know, in the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands after using the latrine.”

The Marine smirks and retorts, “Well, in the Marine Corps, they teach us not to piss on our hands.”

9- Boldest Troops

A Marine General, an Army General, a Navy Admiral, and an Air Force General were in a heated debate over whose troops were the boldest.

Eager to settle the dispute, the Army General called out to a Private.

"Private Peter, step forward!"

"YES, SIR! PRIVATE PETER REPORTS AS ORDERED!"

"See that tank over there? I want you to catch its shell and bring it to me."

"YES, SIR!" Without hesitation, Private Peter sprinted towards the tank, only to be hit by the shell immediately.

Not wanting to fall behind, the Admiral summoned a Seaman.

"Seaman, do you see that ship preparing to set sail? Row out there and catch it."

"YES, SIR!" The Seaman jumped into his boat, but soon enough, the ship loomed over him, and he was crushed.

Next, the Marine General refused to let the Navy take the spotlight.

"Corporal, step up!"

"SIR, CORPORAL CONNORS REPORTS AS ORDERED!"

"I need you to run to the mortar range and catch a mortar."

"YES, SIR!" The Corporal charged toward the range but met a disastrous fate when he was blown up.

The three men turned to the Air Force General, who called over an Airman.

"Airman, see that F-16 landing? I want you to stop it midway down the runway."

The Airman glanced at the General, then at the approaching F-16, then back at the General, shaking his head.

"Fuck you, sir."

The Air Force General turned back to the other three.

"Now that, gentlemen, took balls."

10- Marine, Sailor, & A Sheep

A marine and a sailor are cruising along a rural road when they spot a sheep with its head caught in a fence. The marine pulls over, hops out, and bones the sheep before getting back in the car and driving away.

The sailor exclaims, "What the heck!?"

The marine replies, "What?"

The sailor says, "I wanted some of that!"

So, the marine turns around and lets the sailor out of the car. The sailor then goes ahead and sticks his head into the fence.

11- Idiots, Fall Out

As a formation of soldiers lined up at the Army Base, the Drill Sergeant barked, “All right! All you idiots, fall out!”

The rest of the squad dispersed, but one soldier stood firm, maintaining his stance. The Drill Instructor approached, getting right in front of him.

With a grin, the soldier replied, “There sure were a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”

12- Soldier Isn't Sleeping

Under the cover of night at army boot camp, the company lay in their bunks, fast asleep. Suddenly, the door swings open, and an officer strides into the barracks.

"Private Liam!" he barks.

"Yes, sir!" comes the immediate reply.

"EVERYBODY UP! A SOLDIER ISN'T SLEEPING!"

The entire company jolts awake, scrambling out of their beds to endure a grueling set of exercises before they can finally rest again.

Later, the officer reenters the barracks.

“Private Liam!”

(Silence)

"EVERYBODY UP! A SOLDIER IS MISSING!"

13- What Time Is It?

A military aircraft calls into the control tower for landing clearance. The tower responds, asking for identification.

“This is Whiskey Gulf Zulu 369,” the pilot replies. Curiously, the pilot inquires, “What time is it down there, tower?”

The tower’s reply is playful: “Well, that depends on who you are.”

The pilot, confused, asks for clarification. The tower explains, “If you're Navy, it’s 9 bells. For the Air Force, it’s 15:00. For the Army, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. And if you’re a Marine… well, it’s Thursday afternoon!”

14- Bangity Bang Bang

A soldier arrives for military training only to realize he's left his weapon behind.

The sergeant hands him a stick and points toward the training field.

"You’ll have to make do with this, soldier. If you need to take down an enemy, just aim your stick at them and yell 'Bangity bang-bang.' If someone gets too close, give them a poke in the stomach like it's a bayonet and shout 'Stabbity stab-stab.' Now get to it."

The soldier thinks this is quite silly, but to his surprise, when he points his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and bellows "Bangity bang-bang," the other soldier collapses exaggeratedly. Then, when another trainee tries to sprint past him, he jabs the guy in the ribs, exclaiming "Stabbity stab-stab!" and watches as he too falls dramatically.

Emboldened, the soldier dashes across the mock-battlefield, shouting "Bangity bang-bang" and the occasional "Stabbity stab-stab," until he realizes he’s the only one left standing.

Pride swells within him until another soldier appears around a corner, advancing towards him. Slowly. Stiffly. In a rather ominous way.

The soldier aims his stick and yells, "Bangity bang-bang!"

But this time, the other soldier doesn’t drop. He continues his approach, arms rigid at his sides, boots thumping heavily against the ground.

Now, the soldier feels a bead of sweat trickle down his brow. He clears his throat, adjusts his grip, and shouts again, "Bangity bang-bang!"

Still, nothing happens. The other soldier keeps coming.

Panic sets in. He pretends to reload his stick and frantically exclaims, "Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!"

But to his utter dismay, his antics have no effect.

Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin, and sends him tumbling to the ground.

Standing over the fallen soldier, he declares:

"Tankity tank-tank."

15- Sailor Under Interrogation

A young sailor at OCS finds himself under interrogation by an admiral.

In an attempt to test the sailor's response to extraordinary circumstances, the admiral demands, "An enemy destroyer is heading into New York Harbor to attack the Statue of Liberty. What’s your plan?"

Without hesitating and his gaze fixed straight ahead, the sailor replies, "Admiral, I'd sink it with my submarine!"

The admiral, taken aback, shoots back, "And where exactly did you procure this submarine, sailor?"

Without missing a beat, the sailor responds, "The same damn place you got your destroyer, SIR!”

16- Million Of Stars

The company commander and the sergeant were out in the field. As they settled in for the night, the first sergeant asked, “Sir, take a look at the sky and share what you see?”

The commander replied, “I see millions of stars.”

The sergeant then asked, “And what does that signify for you, sir?”

The commander thought for a moment. “Astronomically, it suggests there are millions of galaxies and possibly billions of planets. Theologically, it reminds me of the greatness of God and our own smallness. Meteorologically, it hints that we’re in for a lovely day tomorrow. What about you, Top? What does it say to you?”

The sergeant grinned. “Well, sir, it tells me someone stole our tent.”

17- Alligator Boots

Two Marines stroll into a game warden’s office deep in the Florida Everglades, eager to snag some alligator hunting licenses for the sake of scoring some stylish alligator boots. The warden gets down to business, filling out the necessary forms, and inquires about their experience with gator hunting.

With a cocky grin, the Marines admit they’re rookies but confidently declare, “We’re bad ass Marines; how tough can it be?”

The warden just shakes his head, muttering “dumbasses” under his breath as he hands over their licenses.

Half an hour later, it hits him that the Marines are unarmed, lacking proper gear, and don’t even have a boat. Concerned, he sets out to check on their progress. As he navigates the swamp in his boat, he stumbles across a dead alligator floating lifelessly on its back. One bend later, he spots another, then two more, and eventually, three in total. Just as he rounds another bend, he catches sight of one Marine wrestling a gator in a headlock while the other has it by the back legs, both shouting in frustration:

“Shit, this one ain’t got no boots on either!”

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18- Final Selection

The CIA had formed a new covert operations unit and was down to the final selection. Three candidates remained: a US Navy SEAL, an Army Ranger from the 75th, and a Marine 0311.

All candidates were gathered in a room when the CIA liaison entered, handing a 9mm Glock to the SEAL and pointing toward a door in the corner. “Go in that room and eliminate the person inside. If you can do that without hesitation, you’re in.”

The SEAL replied, “No problem,” cocking the gun and preparing to clear the room. After about five minutes behind the closed door, he stepped out, visibly shaken. “That’s my sister in there! I can’t do that! I’m out!” He cleared the weapon and set it down on the table.

Next, the CIA agent turned to the Ranger. “Alright, your turn. Head through that door, eliminate what’s inside, and you’re in the program.”

The Ranger picked up the magazine the SEAL had dropped, loaded it, and chambered a round. He entered the room cautiously, holding the Glock close but ready to react. After about three minutes, he exited, shaking his head. “That’s my mom in there. I’m not killing my mom for you guys. I’m out.” He unloaded the gun and placed it beside the SEALs on the table.

Finally, the CIA liaison approached the Marine. Before he could speak, the Marine interrupted, “I got this. I’ll take care of whoever’s in there and get the job. Give me a couple of minutes.”

He flipped the Glock magazine confidently into the air and slid it into the grip, quickly chambering a round and doing a brass check before striding into the corner room without hesitation.

The CIA agent and his assistant decided to wait when, suddenly, they heard two muffled gunshots, followed by four rapid shots, then a loud struggle.

Two minutes later, the Marine emerged from the room, wiping blood from his hands and glaring at the CIA liaison. “Some jerk loaded that Glock with blanks! I had to beat my wife to death with it!”

19- Speeding Ticket

A soldier on military leave got pulled over for speeding and tried to persuade the policewoman not to issue a ticket.

He asked, "Would it help if I mentioned I'm in the Air Force?"

The officer shot back, "Sure, but only if you were flying a plane."

20- Retired Marine

One day, a man decides to enlist in the US Marine Corps. During his training, he struggles to keep up and is ultimately told by the sergeant to head home and wait for a call as a reserve. Years slip by—35 to be exact—without a single call to action. So, the man decides it’s time to retire.

While out fishing, relishing his newfound freedom, he watches in shock as a car careens past him and plunges into the lake. Nearby fishermen spring into action, diving into the water to save the driver, but the car sinks too deep. Without hesitation, the man leaps in.

Time ticks by. Thirty seconds... a minute... two minutes... three minutes... The fishermen start to think, “He’s gone; there’s no way he can last this long under the water.” After what feels like an eternity, emergency services arrive, and the fishermen quickly point them to the site of the accident.

Then, out of the depths, something surfaces—two figures, not one! The man emerges, having rescued the driver. As they drag themselves onto the shore, a crowd gathers, eyes wide in disbelief. “How on earth did you manage to survive so long underwater and dive so deep?” they ask.

With a smile, the man replies, “Well, I’m retired now, but I’ve got plenty of experience. I spent 35 long years as a submarine.”

21- Perfect Revenge

A United States Marine found himself on deployment in Afghanistan.

During his time there, he received a letter from his girlfriend that would change everything. The letter, often known as a "Dear John" letter, revealed she had been unfaithful, sleeping with two different guys while he was away, and she was ending their relationship. To add insult to injury, she requested the return of a picture she'd given him.

In response, the Marine decided to take a creative approach. He gathered his fellow Marines and collected over 25 unwanted photos of various women, some clothed and others not.

He then sent a package to his now ex-girlfriend with a note that read: "I don’t recall which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

22- Pilot Wings

On a Friday night, two Navigators found themselves at the officers' club. They came across a vending machine offering a pair of pilot wings for just $0.50. Each of them had a quarter, so they figured they’d share the prize.

The first Navigator eagerly pinned the wings to his chest and strutted around the club, soaking in the atmosphere as if he owned the place. After about an hour, the second Navigator decided it was time to speak up and pulled his buddy aside. “When do I get to wear the pilot wings?” he asked.

His friend glanced at him and shot back, “Shut the hell up, Nav.”

23- Fresh Recruit

A fresh recruit, just out of training, was assigned to guard the main gate, given strict orders to permit entry only to those who could provide the correct password. While he stood at his post, an experienced soldier was off using the latrine, and suddenly, a vehicle adorned with a three-star flag approached.

The private stepped forward to halt the vehicle and asked the driver for the password. When the driver couldn't provide it, the private, after giving a salute to the general inside, asked him for the password as well. Surprisingly, the general didn’t know it either.

The private firmly replied, "I can't let you through without the password." The general, feeling a bit incredulous, responded, "Son, I’m the commander of this base and a three-star general."

Undeterred, the private maintained his stance, saying, "Sir, I'm really new at this, so I still can’t let you pass." The general instructed the driver to proceed, but the private, confused and still standing his ground, called out, “Sir, since I’m new to this, should I shoot you or the driver?”

24- Marine Vs Airman

An Air Force vehicle operator (2T1X1) was cruising down a desert road in the southbound lane when an Army driver in an 88M approached from the opposite direction. They were about 10 feet apart when suddenly, a Marine in a HUMVEE barreled down from off-road, trying to squeeze between the two. Both the Army and Air Force drivers hit the brakes hard, but it was too late—they collided with the HUMVEE.

Fortunately, everyone emerged unscathed, with only some damage to the vehicles. The Army 88M chuckled and said, "Guess it’s a sign that we're all okay."

An Airman replied with a grin, "I’ll drink to that," reaching down to grab an unopened bottle of Jim Beam from his car. He offered it to the Army driver and the Marine, and they all took generous swigs, finishing about half of the bottle before handing it back.

The Marine glanced at the Airman and asked, "Hey, Air Force, aren’t you going to drink some?"

With a smile, the Airman replied, "Yeah, sure... after the cops get here."

25- Scorpion In A Tent

One day, during a briefing for all service members, a man asked, “What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”

The Sailor chimed in, “I’d just step on it.”

The Soldier responded, “I’d give it a good whack with my boot.”

The Marine confidently declared, “I’d catch it, remove the stinger, and eat it for breakfast.”

The Airman shrugged and said, “I’d call room service and ask why there’s a tent in my room!”

26- Ready For Action

A guy who served in the Air Force had just returned home after a year-long tour in Shemya, Alaska. On his first night back, he excitedly told his wife, "You won't believe what I've learned during my time alone. I've mastered mind over matter!" With that, he dropped his pants to show her.

"Now watch this," he declared. He shouted, "Dick, ten-HUT!" and to his wife’s astonishment, he sprang to attention. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!" and everything went back to normal.

Impressed, she responded, "That was incredible! Do you mind if I get our neighbor to come over? She has to see this!" The guy, proud of his newfound skills, agreed. Soon enough, his wife returned with a stunning woman who caught his eye.

"Alright, watch this," he said, and repeated, "Dick, ten-HUT!" and once again, it was ready for action. But when he commanded, "Dick, at EASE!" nothing happened. He tried again, raising his voice, “Dick, at EASE!” but still, nothing. Frustrated, he bellowed, “For the last time, AT EASE!!” but it was futile. Embarrassed, he fled to the bathroom.

His wife, trying to cover for him, followed him in and found him masturbating.

"What on earth are you doing?" she asked

The guy replied, "I'm giving this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"

27- Wedding & Graduation

A mother made the long journey across the country to witness a momentous occasion in her son’s life—his wedding and his graduation from the Air Force, both happening on the same day.

“Thank you for being here,” the son said, his voice filled with gratitude. “It means the world to me.”

“Of course I wouldn’t miss it,” the mother responded, a warm smile on her face. “It’s not every day a mom gets to see her son earn his wings and then have them clipped—all in one memorable day.”

28- Old Tradition

A new general was assigned to a fresh army base. After spending some time there, he noticed that two soldiers were taking turns guarding an empty bench. Curious, he asked his colleagues and juniors about it.

One colleague replied, "I’m not sure, but it’s been a tradition since I joined 35 years ago."

The general, puzzled, dug into the history of past generals at the base until he found the one who had been in charge 35 years prior. He tried to track him down and discovered that he had retired and was now living in the countryside. The general reached out and asked to meet. When they finally met, the general inquired about the reason behind the bench being guarded.

The retired commander was taken aback. "Wait, are you saying the paint on that bench hasn’t dried yet?!"

29- English Prisoner

An English prisoner of war was captured by the Germans. He endured various hardships until one day, when the German officer approached him and said, "Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene. We have to amputate it."

The Englishman replied, "Alright, but could you drop it over England when you go on your bombing runs?"

The German nodded, "Sure, that won't be a problem."

Weeks later, the German returned with more bad news, stating they needed to amputate his other arm. The Englishman asked again, "Could you drop that one over England, like you did the last time?"

"Of course," the German said.

The next day, the German informed the Englishman that they had to amputate his leg. As expected, the Brit requested, "Could you do the same with this one?" And again, the German agreed.

Finally, the following day, the German came in and said they needed to cut off his other leg. The Brit began, "Well, could you just..."

"NO!" Snapped the German. "We think you are trying to escape!"

30- Elderly Canadian

An 83-year-old Canadian man flew into Paris. At the customs desk in France, he took a moment to dig out his passport from his carry-on.

"Have you been to France before, sir?" the customs officer asked with a hint of sarcasm.

The elderly man acknowledged that he had visited France before.

"Then you should know to have your passport ready," the officer said.

The Canadian replied, "Last time I was here, I didn’t need to show it."

"That’s impossible! Canadians always need to present their passports upon arrival in France!"

The senior Canadian shot the Frenchman a long, hard stare and then calmly explained, "Well, when I landed at Juno Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help free this country, I couldn’t find a single Frenchman to show it to.”