The problem with political jokes, as the saying goes, is that some of them gets elected. We have no such problem here. The jokes we have selected are funny as hell, and unlike other "political jokes", they gets the job done by making you laugh, no matter how bad your day is.

No matter which side of the aisle you’re on, everyone can agree that a good political joke is worth a chuckle. We have rounded up 35 of the funniest political jokes to lighten the mood. So sit back, relax, and get ready to enjoy some bipartisan humor!

1- Two Cows

A magistrate brings a commoner to show the national leader the support for communist systems.

“My friend, if you had two houses, would you give one of them up to the party”

“Yes sir! I would!”

“And if you had two cars, wouldn’t you be willing to give one to the party”

“Absolutely sir, I would!”

“If you had two cows, would it be hurtful for you to give one to the party?”

“Please, sir! Don’t ask me that!”

“What? Why not”

“I actually do have two cows!”

2- Failed Survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

3- US & China

The US and China are alike in a lot of ways.

In the US, a man can walk up to the White House, slam his fist on Trump's desk, and say "Sir, I hate the way you are running this country!"

In China, a man can walk up to Beijing, slam his fist on Xi Jinping's desk, and say "Sir, I hate the way Donald Trump is running his country!"

4- Undecided

A push poller calls a voter that really, really HATES the candidate.

The voter goes into a five minute rant ending with: "And if your guy gets elected I don't know whether I will kill myself, or leave the country!"

The poller says: "OK, I will put you down as 'undecided.'”

5- Politician Brain

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."

The man says to the doctor "Okay, what are they?"

The doctor says "Well, first there's engineer brain, that's $100 an ounce. Then there's astrophysicist brain, that'll cost you $200 an ounce. Finally there's politician brain. That's the most expensive at $1000 an ounce."

The man looks at the doctor, surprised. "that's absurd! Why is the politician brain so expensive?"

The doctor turns to him and says "Sir, do you have any idea how many politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?"

6- Three Contractors

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

7- Saddam & Bush

Back in the early 2000's a group of Marines comes across one of their own laying on one side of the road, and an Iraqi soldier laying on the other side of the road.

When they asked him what happened he explained "We saw each other, pulled our guns and I shouted "Saddam Hussein sucks!" at the same time that he shouted "George Bush sucks!" and we were shaking hands in the road when this truck comes by and runs us both over.”

8- Washington, D.C.

God told an angel that he always created everything in balance, light and dark, predator and prey, mountain and valley.

One day, God turned toward his angels and said “behold, for I have created the United States, home of the most hardworking, caring, independent, and loving people in the world”

The angels responded: “But Lord! Where is the place to balance it out? This place is wonderful!”

God replied: “Just wait till you see Washington, D.C.”

9- Farmer & The Politicians

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

10- Politics In A Nutshell

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.”

11- Stalin & Putin

Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.

Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" Putin asks.

"Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."

12- A Brazilian

President Trump! I've just received notification that a US military helicopter has crashed in South America.

Oh dear, any fatalities?

A Brazilian, sir.

My god, how many is a Brazilian?

13- Women Empowerment

Hillary Clinton has finally announced she will be running for President. Yes, finally. She says this is a great step forward for all women... who happens to be married to a former president.

14- My Money

Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money!" he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a U.S. Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

15- Quick Service

A man in Soviet Russia decides he wants to buy a car. He heads to the dealership, puts down his money and is told that it'll be delivered in 10 years.

''Morning or afternoon?'' the man asks. ''It's ten years from now, what difference does it make?" replies the clerk.

''Well,'' says the car-buyer, ''I've got the plumber coming in the morning.''

16- Two Big Needs

A politician visited a remote village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village leader. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”

17- Trump Supporter In Heaven

A Trump supporter dies and goes to Heaven.

God says to him, “For the most part you lived a good life so as a courtesy, you may ask me one question and I will give you an honest answer.”

The Trump supporter asks, “Who really won the 2020 election?" God replies, “Joe Biden won. It was a free and fair election.”

After a moment of silence the Trump supporter says, “Wow. This goes even higher than I thought.”

18- Hell Or Heaven

A politician dies and ends up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at him and finds his name in his book.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes. Is there a problem?"

"Oh no, there is no problem. But we have a policy for people in your profession, you have to spend a day each in heaven and hell and then you will be free to choose where you want to spend the rest of eternity."

"Why can't I choose now? Why do I have to spend a day in hell?"

"Well, that is the policy."

First, the politician spends a day in heaven. He sees angels singing and people playing harps. He finds heaven very boring for him.

Next, he spends a day in hell.

Upon arriving there he expects to see barren wastelands with rivers of lava and people being boiled alive, but instead sees lush greenery and a large five-star hotel in front of him. At the hotel entrance, he sees Satan wearing a tuxedo and sipping on a martini.

"This isn't what I expected hell to be."

"Oh, hell has been completely misrepresented. We have a luxury five-star hotel with seven-course meals prepared by the best chefs. And we have all the sporting facilities you could imagine with a very large pool. All this is for free."

So the politician spends the entire day playing golf and eating his meals by the poolside. At the end of the day, he sleeps in the most luxurious bed he could imagine in a very large suite. The next morning, when he wakes up, he is back at the pearly gates where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"So what will it be?"

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I prefer hell."

So, the politician is transported back to hell, where he sees a barren wasteland illuminated only by the glow of rivers of lava and hears the screams of people being tortured. The air is full of the stench of Sulphur. Once again he sees Satan in his tux.

"What happened to the hotel, the golf course, the pool and all the greenery I saw yesterday?"

"Well, yesterday we were campaigning, today you voted."

19- Four Surgeons

Four surgeons are talking shop one day about their favorite patients to work on.

The first surgeon says "I prefer working on electricians, because when you open them up, everything is color- coded."

The second surgeon says "I prefer accountants, because you open them up and all their organs are numbered".

The third surgeon says "No, no, librarians are the best patients because everything is in alphabetical order".

The fourth surgeon says "You're all wrong, the best patient is the politician"

The other surgeons give him a quizzed look, and he explains "They only have two moving parts: the mouth and the arsehole, and they both do exactly the same thing”.

20- Drop By Drop

Stalin, during a speech: “I am prepared to give my blood for the cause of the working class, drop by drop.”

A note is passed up to the podium: “Dear Comrade Stalin, why drag things out? Give it all now.”

21- Invisible Obama

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I think America will love her too." That wish was granted.

For my second wish, I said "Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic...and I want to be President...of the United States...so I can serve my country." That wish was granted too.

And then, for my third wish, I started by saying "Let me be clear..."

22- Mickey Mouse

A brand new secret service agent is assigned to Donald Trump, and on his first day of security detail he's leading the President past a crowd when he spies a man reaching into his jacket and pulling out a pistol. He grabs Trump by the shoulders, staring at the would-be assassin, and yells out: "MICKEY MOUSE!"

The assassin is so confused by this outburst that he hesitates for a few seconds, giving the rest of the security detail time to rush in, dogpile, and arrest him.

The new agent is taken back to HQ for debriefing. His superior shakes his hand and says: "That was amazing work out there, very quick thinking, but I have to ask, what made you think of saying Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent looks around, making sure nobody else can see or hear him.

"To tell you the truth sir, I got a little flustered in the heat of the moment and misspoke. See, I meant to say 'Donald, duck!'..."

23- Bill & Hillary

Bill and Hillary Clinton slipped away from their Secret Service detail and went for a drive in the country. When they stopped for gas, the attendant said, "Madam First Lady, don't you recognize me?"

"Oh my gosh!" says Hillary. "Bill, this is Andy Gibbs. He and I were -- let's just say we were very close in high school."

Bill handles it like the skilled politician he is and they all have a nice chat while the gas is pumping.

Later, Bill says to Hillary, "I guess it's lucky for you that you ended up with me."

"How's that, Bill?" she says.

"Well -- you married me, and now you're the First Lady. If you'd married Andy, you'd be stuck with a guy pumping gas in the middle of nowhere."

"You've got it backwards," she says. "If I'd married Andy, he'd be president. You'd be pumping gas in the middle of nowhere."

24- Democrat & Republican

A old man in a hot-air balloon is lost, so he shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don't know where I am."

"You're at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies.

"You must be a Democrat."

"I am. How did you know?"

"Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've been no help."

"You must be a Republican."

"Yes. How did you know?"

"You've risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn't keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

25- Sinking Ships & The Presidents

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!”

George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!”

Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?

26- Two Socialists

Two Labor (socialist) leaning voters are chatting in the pub. One asks the other “If you won a few million on the lottery, what would you do with the money?” He replies “Well, I would give you a million, donate a million to the Labor party and share out the rest with the family,”

After a pause, the first one starts again. “If you inherited a street of houses, what would you do with them?” He replies “Well, I would give you one, donate one to the Labor party and share out the rest with the family,”

After another pause, he asks “If you had six chickens, what would you do with them?” His friend replies “Fuck off, you know that I have six chickens.”

27- Three Men In Prison

Three man in a prison cell talk about why they have been arrested:

First one: "I'm here because I opposed comrade Radek"

Second one: "I'm here because I supported comrade Radek"

Third one: "I'm Radek"

28- Minister & The Farmer

The Minister of Crops says to the farmer, "comrade, how is the potato harvest?"

The farmer says, "Minister, the potato harvest is so big it stretches to God above!"

The Minister is taken aback. "You know, comrade, that there is no God!"

"Yes," says the farmer. "And there's no harvest either."

29- Stalin & The VIP

Stalin was at his dacha for a summer break, but bad news arrived from Moscow in the middle of the night and he had to get back to the Kremlin quickly. He grabbed his personal driver and they hopped in the car.

After a few hours, the driver was starting to nod off. Stalin said, "fine, let me drive for awhile" and off they went.

Just outside Moscow, they get pulled over.

The cop walks up to the car, does a double take, and lets them go.

The cop's partner comes running over and asks what happened, who was it?

"I don't know, but he must've been important -- Comrade Stalin was driving him around!"

30- Made In America

President Putin called President Trump with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!".

"Vladimir, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Trump.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?", said Putin.

"Yes?", replied the President.

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Trump hung up and called the CEO of Trojan condoms. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

31- Careful Kid

A young kid parks a bike near the Houses of Parliament and walks on.

A police constable stops him and asks: "Why did you park your bike here? You don't know about this road? MPs, Lords, and Civil Servants pass by here daily!"

The kid replied, smiling: "No worries, I've locked my bike."

32- Members Of Parliament

Member of Parliament: Mr. speaker, half of the members in this house are stupid.

Speaker: Honorable member please withdraw that statement.

Member of parliament: My apologies Mr. speaker, half of members in this house are not stupid.

Speaker: Thank you, lets move on.

33- Free Hair Cut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

34- PM Is No More

A man walks up to Parliament Hall.

Man: I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper immediately!

Guard: I'm sorry sir, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.

The man leaves. The next day, the man comes back again.

Man: Please, I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper!

Guard: Like I told you yesterday sir, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.

The man once again leaves. On the third day, he's back again.

Man: I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper!

The guard says: Sir, why do you keep coming back? This is the third time I'm telling you, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.

The man replies: I know, I just can't get tired of hearing you say that.

35- Intelligent People

So Boris Johnson went to see the Queen. Boris Johnson asked the Queen. "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient organization? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well." Said the Queen. "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Boris then asked. "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch me and listen."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?"

Prince Charles walked into the room and said. Yes, Mother?

The Queen smiled and said to Charles. "Answer me this please Charles. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered. "That would be me."

"Yes, very good!" Said the Queen.

“Ah ha I get it” said Boris, “thank you Ma'am”. And in a great rush he left.

Boris went back to Parliament and decided to ask Priti Patel the same question.

"Priti answer this for me." "Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure." Said Patel. And then in true Priti Patel style she went on to say. "Let me get back to you on that one."

She went to her advisers and asked everyone, but none could give her an answer. Frustrated, Priti went for a coffee and met Jeremy Corbyn. "Jeremy, see if you can answer this question."

"Okay." Replied Jeremy.

"Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Corbyn immediately answered, "That's easy, it's me!"

Patel grinned and said. "Good answer Jeremy, I see it all now!"

Patel then, went back to find Johnson and said to him. "Boris, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle 'If your mother and father have a child who is not your brother or your sister, the child is Jeremy Corbyn!".

Boris went red in the face, got up, stomped over to Patel, and yelled in her face. "No! You bloody idiot! It's Prince Charles!"

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