Top 20 Wickedly Funny Halloween Jokes for Adults

If you thought Halloween was all about kids in costumes and free candy, think again — adults get the real treat (at least from Jokes Are US): laughter!

In this blog, we’re digging up 20 wickedly funny Halloween jokes guaranteed to make your inner ghoul giggle and your spooky spirit snicker.

So grab your broomstick (or maybe just a glass of wine), dim the lights, and get ready to laugh so hard you’ll wake the undead.

1- Horror Of Halloween

A couple got invited to a swanky Halloween bash.

The wife ended up with a nasty headache and told her husband he should go solo. He was hesitant at first because he didn’t want to leave her by herself, but she insisted she’d take some aspirin and hit the hay. She didn’t want him to miss out on the fun, so he reluctantly grabbed his costume and took off.

After a quick nap, the wife woke up feeling better and noticed it was still early. She thought it would be fun to surprise her husband at the party since he had no clue what she was wearing. She figured it would be amusing to see how he acted without her there.

At the party, she quickly spotted her husband, who was dancing and flirting with a bunch of women. Curious, she made her way over to him. Being a confident woman herself, she caught his eye, and he quickly shifted his attention from his dance partner to her. They had a blast together, and after a few more drinks, he leaned in and whispered a cheeky suggestion in her ear. She agreed, and they snuck away to the back seat of a car, where they shared a steamy moment.

Before the clock hit midnight, she quietly slipped out, went home, put her costume away, and snuggled into bed. She was eager to hear what her husband would say about his night. When he finally got home, she asked how the party was. "Oh, the usual. I never have fun when you’re not around," he said.

"Did you dance at all?" she asked. He chuckled and replied, "Believe it or not, I didn’t dance even once. When I got there, I ran into Pete, Bill Brown, and a few other guys, so we ended up playing poker all night."

With a playful grin, she teased, “You must have looked a bit silly in that costume while playing poker!” He responded, “Actually, I gave my costume to your dad. He had a blast!”

2- Scared Of Graveyards

A girl was making her way home late at night. The stars twinkled faintly, resembling tiny holes in the vast sky. It's super chilly.

To reach her house, she has to pass through a graveyard, so she starts walking through it when she spots another girl ahead.

She hurries over to her and says, "Hey! Can I join you? I mean," She glances around, biting her lip. "You know, this graveyard kinda gives me the creeps."

The other girl tilts her head back and laughs, "I used to be scared of graveyards when I was alive, too.”

3- Emotion Theme

The hostess sends out invites for her Halloween costume bash, saying, "Come dressed as an emotion!"

The first guest shows up in a green catsuit covered in the letters "N" and "V." The hostess is curious about what emotion that represents, and the guest says, "I'm green with envy!"

Next, the second guest arrives in a pink leotard with feathers around her private areas. The hostess asks what emotion that signifies, and the guest responds: "I'm tickled pink!"

Then the doorbell rings again. Two guys walk in, completely naked. One has his schlong dipped in what seems like some creamy stuff, while the other has his schlong wrapped in two halves of a pear.

The hostess is shocked: "What emotion are you trying to show?"

One of the guys answers: "Well, I'm fucking disgusted, and my buddy here has come in despair."

4- WereWolf

A dude in casual streetwear strolls into a bar on Halloween and asks for a beer.

"I'm here for the costume party," he tells the bartender.

The bartender sizes him up, noticing his plain outfit and lack of makeup or wig.

"What are you supposed to be?" the bartender questions.

"I'm a werewolf," the dude answers.

"How's that? You don't look dressed up at all," the bartender responds.

"Well, it's not a full moon tonight, is it, Mr. Know-It-All?" the guy retorts.

5- Halloween Costume

A dude and his girlfriend hit up a Halloween party, but neither of them is dressed up.

The guy's got his girlfriend on his back, like a piggyback ride, when the host comes over.

He says, "Hey, awesome to see you both, but just a heads up, this is a Halloween party. Where are your costumes?"

The guy replies, "We do have costumes. I'm a turtle, and this is Michelle."

6- Halloween Bash

A dude strolls into a Halloween bash just rocking some jeans...

The host goes, "Hey dude, super happy you showed up, but I don't quite get your outfit."

The guest replies, "Oh, I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants."

7- Two Nuns & A Vampire

Two nuns are cruising down a creepy road by a graveyard when, out of nowhere, a vampire leaps onto the hood and starts yelling at them.

The nun behind the wheel worries about crashing, so she tells her friend, "Hurry, show him your cross!"

The passenger nun glances at the driver and then at the vampire, replying, "Cross?! I’m freaking furious!"

8- How He Met His Wife

A dude strolls into a bar and asks for a beer. "Ah, October! Halloween is just around the corner. This time of year takes me back to when I met my wife. I was at a costume party and spotted her from across the room. She stood there, tall, slim, and stunning, next to her chubby friend. They had come to the party dressed as the number ten," he shares with the bartender. "That's when I knew she was the one."

9- Scariest Costume

The day after Halloween, a trick-or-treater knocked on the door.

He was wearing nothing but red tights and a red spandex shirt, along with red sneakers and a red hat. When the door opened, a woman appeared and said to him, "Sorry, little buddy, Halloween is over, I don’t have anything for you today…what are you supposed to be anyway?"

The kid replied, "I’m a period, sorry I’m late...scared ya didn’t I?"

10- Skeleton Arm

A woman purchased a 3-foot-long skeleton arm for her Halloween decor.

The store clerk asked her, "Are you planning to put it up yourself?"

"No, you crazy person, it’s going in my living room," the woman shot back.

11- Nun & the Cab Driver

A cab driver picks up a Nun. She hops into the cab and notices that the REALLY good-looking driver can’t stop gazing at her. Curious, she asks him why he’s staring.

He replies, “I have a question, but I don’t want to upset you.”

She responds, “My son, you can’t upset me. When you’ve lived as long as I have and been a nun for this long, you’ve seen and heard just about everything. I doubt there’s anything you could say that would offend me.”

He then says, “Well, I’ve always fantasized about having a nun kiss me.”

She replies, “Let’s see what we can do about that – you need to be single and Catholic.”

The cab driver, thrilled, exclaims, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“Alright,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun grants his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But once they’re back on the road, the cab driver starts to cry.

“My dear child,” the nun asks, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied, and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun replies, “That’s alright. My name is Steve, and I’m heading to a Halloween party!

12- A Fireman

A young woman got an invite to a Halloween bash, and when she got there, she spotted a guy with just a glass jar covering his privates. Curious, she walked over and asked him what his costume was.

"I'm a fireman," he answered.

"A fireman? Really? You’re just wearing a glass jar," she replied.

"That’s right. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I’ll come as fast as I can.”

13- Three Vampires

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flew so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Did you see that house over there?"

"Yes?"

"Well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!"

"Wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire."

Then the eldest one takes the next turn, "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck.

"What happened??" they asked.

"Did you see that village over there?"

"Yes?"

"Well.. I killed every last person in that village and sucked the blood dry!"

"Wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!"

Finally, the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it," he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour.

After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose.

"What happened???" they asked.

"Did you see that big ass tree over there?"

"Yes?!"

"Well.. I didn't”

14- Vampires In A Bar

Three vampires stroll into a bar. The first one tells the bartender, "Bloody Mary, make it extra bloody."

The second one chimes in, "Bloody Mary, with extra blood, please."

The third vampire says, "Can I just get a cup of hot water, please?"

The other two stare at her and question, "What, no blood?"

She shakes her head and reaches under her skirt, pulling out her tampon. "I'm having tea!"

15- Priorities

Yesterday, I peered out of my living room window in shock to find a crowd surrounding a motorcyclist who had crashed.

Without wasting any time, I threw on my coat and shoes and dashed outside.

I squeezed through the crowd, yelling, "Excuse me, coming through!".

Eventually, I made it to the front of the crowd.

A woman looked at me and asked, "Oh, thank goodness, are you a doctor?".

I said no, but that’s my pizza!

16- Horror Conference

At a horror conference, the speaker asks the crowd, "Do you like ghosts?"

Everyone replies, "Yes."

Then he asks, "Do you believe in ghosts?"

Again, everyone says, "Yes."

Next, he inquires, "Have you ever seen a ghost?"

Half the audience responds, "Yes."

He continues, "Have you ever talked to a ghost?"

A few people say, "Yes."

Then he asks, "Have you ever shagged a ghost?"

One old man in the back shouts, "Yes!"

The speaker is intrigued, "Wow, come up here and share your story." The old man makes his way to the stage.... "Incredible, tell us what it was like to shag a ghost?"

The old man replies, "Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you said goat.”

17- Sister Mary In Trouble

Sister Mary was sitting at the table facing the Mother Superior.

"I can't believe this! How on earth did you, a bride of Christ, end up pregnant?"

"I can only point the finger at myself. I asked a couple of priests what they thought of my Halloween outfit."

"What scandalous costume did you choose? A belly dancer? A hooker? A beauty queen?"

"Oh no, Mother Superior! Nothing of the sort! I went as an altar boy!"

18- Alone On A Foggy Night

A guy is making his way home all by himself on a foggy night...

Suddenly, he hears

Bump...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He picks up the pace, glancing back and, through the mist, he spots a casket standing upright, rolling down the street towards him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Freaked out, the guy bolts towards his house, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He reaches his door, fumbles with his keys, swings it open, rushes inside, and slams it shut, locking it tight behind him.

But then, the casket crashes through the door, the lid making a clapping sound—clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

The terrified man takes off running.

He dashes upstairs to the bathroom and locks himself in. His heart is racing, his mind is spinning, and he’s gasping for air.

With a loud CRASH, the casket smashes through the door.

Bumping and clapping as it comes closer.

The man screams and grabs for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

In a panic, he hurls the cough syrup at the casket...

and.......

The coffin stops.

19- Ghost Fighting

A very humble guy was in the hospital undergoing a bunch of tests, and the last one really messed him up.

After making a few trips to the bathroom that turned out to be false alarms, he figured the latest one was just another false alarm and decided to stay put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a total panic, he jumped out of bed, grabbed the sheets, and tossed them out the hospital window.

A drunk happened to be walking by when the sheets landed on him.

He started shouting, swearing, and flailing his arms, trying to get the mysterious stuff off him, and ended up with the dirty sheets all tangled at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, wobbling and looking down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (who was barely holding back laughter) approached and asked, "What the heck is happening here?"

The drunk, still staring at the mess, replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

20- Teenager In A Graveyard

After going trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teenager decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. Halfway through, he gets spooked by a tapping sound coming from the foggy shadows. Shaking with fear, he sees an elderly man chiseling at a gravestone.

"I thought you were a ghost," the relieved teen exclaims. "What are you doing out here so late?"

"Oh, those fools," the old man grumbles. "They spelled my name wrong!"

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