80 Hilariously Naughty Christmas Jokes for Adults Who Could Really Use a Holiday Laugh

The holiday season is back, bringing with it a dazzling display of lights, a few questionable sips of eggnog, and cheeky jokes that might make the big guy in red blush! If you’re looking to crank up your holiday cheer this year, you’ve hit the jackpot.

We’ve got 80 hilariously naughty Christmas jokes, perfect for the adults who’ve tackled one too many gift wraps, survived countless office shindigs, and are in desperate need of a good chuckle (or five).

So, grab your mug of cocoa, add extra marshmallows for good measure, and let’s dive into some festive fun that’s sure to add a sprinkle of mischief to your celebrations!

Letter To Jesus

As the holiday season approached, Leo's imagination started to soar. “Hey, Dad!” he said with a sparkle in his eye, “What do you think about getting a bike for Christmas?” His dad smiled warmly and suggested, “Why don’t you write a letter to Santa Claus?” But Leo had a different idea. Just back from his big role in the school nativity play, he declared, “Nah! I want to write to Baby Jesus instead!” His dad chuckled and nodded as Leo rushed to his room.

Once inside, he began writing excitedly, “Dear Jesus, I’ve been a really good boy, and I’d love a bike for Christmas.” But then he stopped, his brow furrowing in thought. It didn’t feel quite right. Time for a do-over: “Dear Jesus, I’m a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.” Still not perfect. How about trying again? “Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I really tried, especially if I had a shiny new bike.” Nope, that one didn’t work either.

Feeling a bit stuck but not ready to give up, Leo thought a little adventure might help. While wandering around the neighborhood, he spotted a lovely Virgin Mary statue standing proudly in someone’s yard. With a cheeky grin, he tiptoed over, carefully picked it up, and hurried home to hide it under his bed.

Beaming, he wrote his boldest letter yet: “Dear Jesus, if you want to see your mum again, you’d better send me a brand-new bike!”

Coincidence

It was the last consultation on Christmas Eve for our favorite doctor, and he was just about to wrap up for the holiday when a mother and her vibrant little daughter burst through the door! The mom looked a bit overwhelmed and exclaimed, “Doctor, can you please take a look at my daughter? She’s been acting a little strange lately—gaining weight, feeling queasy in the mornings, and her cravings are just wild!”

With a spark of energy, the doctor rolled up his sleeves and got straight to it. After a thorough examination, he looked the mother right in the eyes and declared, “Well, it appears your daughter is... pregnant!”

The room fell silent, and you could almost hear a pin drop as the mother gasped in shock. “Don’t be ridiculous! My daughter has never even kissed a boy!”

The girl chimed in with an emphatic nod, insisting she hadn’t so much as shared a peck on the cheek with anyone.

The doctor, now deep in thought, scrutinized the young girl with a focused brow. Then, with a sense of mystery in the air, he stood up, walked over to the window, and peered out into the dazzling, starry night filled with holiday cheer.

Concerned, the mother asked, “Is something the matter?”

“Not exactly,” the doctor replied, his expression serious but keen. “It might just be a coincidence, but the last time this happened, a bright star appeared in the East!”

Restricted Hotel

Mrs. Jacob decided to escape the frigid grip of New York’s winter and bask in the warm, festive spirit of the deep South for Christmas. Being a little out of her element, she cheekily strolled into a ‘restricted’ hotel and declared, "Hi there! I'm Mrs. Jacob, and I'd love a room for the week."

The manager sighed, "Oh, I'm really sorry, but we're all booked up."

Just then, as if summoned by fate, a guest checked out right at the desk. Mrs. Jacob’s eyes sparkled. "What luck! Now you’ve got a cozy spot for me!"

The manager, shaking his head, replied, "I really must apologize again, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."

Mrs. Jacob, taken aback, exclaimed, "Jewish? What are you talking about? I’m a Catholic!"

The manager raised an eyebrow and said, "That’s hard to believe. Alright, tell me, who was the Son of God?"

"Jesus!" she shot back.

“And where was he born?” asked the manager, with a sly smirk.

"In a stable in Bethlehem," she answered, now visibly annoyed. “All because some schmuck like you wouldn’t give a room to a Jew!”

Shouting The Prayers

A few days before Christmas, two excited young brothers were having a sleepover at their grandparents’ cozy house. As bedtime approached and the anticipation of Christmas filled the air, they eagerly knelt to say their prayers, ready to express their wishes.

In a burst of enthusiasm, the younger brother shouted, "Dear Lord, can you please tell Santa Claus I want a PlayStation, a mountain bike, and a telescope!"

His older brother, trying to contain a giggle, leaned in and gently nudged him, saying, "Hey, why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf!"

"I know," the little one replied, "But Grandma is!"

Essence Of Christmas

Three men found themselves at the pearly gates on Christmas Eve, ready for their ultimate prize! As they stood nervously, Saint Peter greeted them with a warm smile.

"In the spirit of this joyous season," he proclaimed, "I need each of you to bring me something that captures the essence of Christmas to enter heaven!"

First up was the Englishman. With a bit of excitement, he dug into his pockets and pulled out a lighter. Flicking it on with a flourish, he announced, "Look! It's a candle!"

Saint Peter beamed back and said, "You may enter through the pearly gates!"

Next, the Scotsman confidently reached into his own pocket and emerged with a jangling set of keys. He shook them enthusiastically, declaring, "They're bells!"

With a nod of approval, Saint Peter replied, "You may also pass through the pearly gates!"

Finally, it was the Irishman’s turn. He rummaged through his pockets in a bit of a frenzy, searching high and low. At long last, he triumphantly produced a pair of women’s panties!

Saint Peter raised an eyebrow, clearly intrigued. "And what do those symbolize?" he questioned.

The Irishman replied, "These are Carol's!"

Raining Or Snowing

A couple strolls through Moscow on a festive Christmas Eve, enjoying the ambiance while feeling a sprinkle overhead.

“I think it’s raining,” the man remarks, squinting at the sky.

“Nope, it’s definitely snowing,” the woman counters playfully, sticking out her tongue to catch a flake.

“Let’s settle this once and for all! How about we ask that trusty Communist officer over there? He seems to have all the answers!” the man says with a grin, pointing at Officer Rudolph nearby. “Hey, Officer Rudolph! Is it raining or snowing?”

“Without a doubt, it’s raining,” Officer Rudolph responds with a straight face as he struts away on official business.

Turning to his wife, the man chuckles, “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

Prostitute & The Santa

On Christmas Eve, a lively prostitute saunters into a dimly lit bar and calls for a glass of wine with a playful twinkle in her eye.

The bartender, always up for some banter, grins and asks, “So, what’s on your wish list for Santa this year?”

"$30," she replies, "just like anybody else.”

Boy & The Cop

One Christmas, a young boy woke up bursting with excitement because he got a shiny new bike! He couldn’t wait to hit the pavement, so off he zoomed, proud as could be. A police officer strolled by and noticed the boy’s thrill. “Did Santa bring you that?” he asked, with a playful smile.

“Yep!” came the enthusiastic reply from the boy.

“Great! But you might want to remind Santa to add a reflector light to it next year,” the officer chuckled, then handed the boy a $5 fine.

The little guy looked up, unfazed, and shot back with a grin, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?”

The cop laughed, “He sure did!”

“Awesome!” declared the boy. "Next year, tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

Nostalgia

Rob and Sussie found themselves wandering through a local shopping center just before Christmas, the air filled with festive cheer and the sweet scent of holiday treats.

In the midst of choosing gifts and enjoying the seasonal spirit, Sussie suddenly realized that Rob was nowhere to be found. With a to-do list that was growing by the minute, she quickly dialed his cell phone. “Rob, where are you? We’ve got a lot to tackle today!” she urged.

His voice came through, tinged with nostalgia. “Remember that jewelry store we visited about a decade ago? The one where you completely fell for that stunning diamond necklace? Back then, it was beyond my budget, but I promised you I’d get it someday.”

Sussie felt a rush of emotion as warm tears welled up in her eyes. “Oh, I remember it all too well,” she replied, her voice slightly quivering.

“Well, I’m at the Hooters right next to that very shop!”

Divorce

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I’m sorry to break this to you, but your mother and I are getting a divorce.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son replies, shocked. “We can’t stand each other anymore,” the father explains. “We’re tired of it, and I don’t want to talk about this any longer. You should call your sister in Leeds and let her know.”

The son quickly calls his sister, who reacts strongly. “No way are they getting divorced!” she exclaims. “I’ll handle this!”

She immediately calls their dad in Ireland, shouting, “You are NOT going through with this! Don’t do a thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Just wait until then, do you understand?” and she hangs up.

After hanging up the phone, the father turns to his wife and says, “All set! They’re coming for Christmas - and they’re paying for their own tickets.”

Colorful Vocabulary

Christmas was just around the corner, and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad decided it was time for their annual trip to the mall to let him spill his holiday wish list to Santa Claus.

Johnny hopped onto Santa’s lap with all the enthusiasm of a kid in a candy store and confidently declared, “Hey Santa, this year I want a god damn shiny new baseball bat, and I want it tucked under my god damn bed. And don’t forget a god damn new baseball glove under the tree! Oh, and I want a bicycle too, but make sure it’s hidden under a god damn tarp in the shed. Got it?”

Santa, absolutely flabbergasted by the little guy’s colorful vocabulary, turned to Johnny’s parents and said, “I’ve encountered some unique kids, but this one really takes the cake!”

The parents sighed in unison, “We know, we’re at our wits' end. We’ve tried everything short of hiring a mime.”

After a moment of thought, Santa smirked and proposed, “Let’s teach him a little lesson: everywhere he asks for a present, we’ll leave a pile of dog poop instead.” The parents couldn’t help but chuckle and agreed to the plan.

Come Christmas morning, Little Johnny sprang out of bed and bolted straight for the space under his bed. Surprise! A neat little pile of poop greeted him instead of that coveted bat. He dashed downstairs to the Christmas tree, his heart racing with hope.

But what did he find? Another pile of poop! He bolted out the door, flinging open the shed, ready to unveil the hidden bike.

There it was—the tarp! He whipped it back, only to discover yet another delightful deposit of doggy doo.

Johnny stomped out of the shed, scanning the yard like a detective. After a while, his parents, barely containing their laughter, called out, “So, Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?”

Without a beat, Johnny looked at them with his big eyes and said, “I think I got myself a god damn puppy, but the little motherfucker is playing hide and seek.”

Christmas Gift

On Christmas morning, a husband woke up with a sinking feeling: he had completely forgotten to get his wife a Christmas gift! Not one to freak out-well, maybe just a little-he quietly slipped out of the house and raced to Walgreens, hoping to find something that would bring some holiday joy.

As he rushed through the aisles, he noticed the only employee on duty, practically waving his arms in desperation. "Help! I need a Christmas present, and I need it fast!" The worker raised an eyebrow but quickly grasped the urgency. In no time, he presented a gorgeous bottle of perfume priced at a staggering $100.

"Yikes!" the husband exclaimed, shaking his head like a kid who just saw the dentist. "Anything a bit less expensive?"

The worker, not missing a beat, exchanged the first bottle for a slightly cheaper one at $70. But the man waved his hands again, indicating he was looking for something not so extravagant. With a hint of annoyance, the worker pulled out a tiny bottle of perfume straight from the bargain bin for just $10.

"Umm, it’s nice, but can you just show me the absolute cheapest thing you have?" the husband pleaded, desperate to salvage his Christmas morning. The employee sighed, put away the delicate bottle, and casually showed the man a mirror.

Magnificent Moose

A Scotsman strolls into a cozy bar while soaking up the Christmas spirit in Canada. With a twinkle in his eye, he points at something hanging on the wall and asks the barman, “What on earth is that magnificent thing over there?”

The Canadian, grinning from ear to ear, proudly replies, “That right there, my friend, is our prized treasure; it’s a moose that was taken down right in my own backyard!”

The Scotsman can’t help but slam his beer down in astonishment and exclaims, “Goodness gracious! If that’s a moose, I can only imagine how massive your cats must be!”Then I would love to see the size of your cats.”

Bait & Switch

Young Timmy dashed out on Christmas morning, excitedly expecting a new Nintendo Console this year.

"Surprise!" his parents exclaimed. "We know you were hoping for video games, but we think you should spend more time outside. So, we got you this fishing gear! Unfortunately, it was a bit pricey, so we could only afford the lures and bait. We’ll get you the poles for your birthday."

Poor Timmy was heartbroken, having never fished a day in his life. He opened the tackle box with a heavy heart, but to his astonishment, there was a Nintendo Switch inside! He had been completely tricked! Both Timmy and his parents burst into laughter.

They had gotten him with the old "Bait and Switch" tactic.

Poor & Rich Man

The broke guy asks the wealthy guy, "What are you buying your wife for Christmas?"

The rich guy answers, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes."

The broke guy wonders, "Why two gifts?"

The wealthy guy explains, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings, she can just drive to the store and swap them out."

The broke guy nods in understanding. Then the wealthy guy inquires, "So, what are you getting your wife this year?"

The broke guy thinks for a moment and says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."

The wealthy guy asks, "Why those two items?"

The broke guy cleverly replies, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go screw herself."

Picky Wife

My wonderfully "hard to impress" wife surprised me with a bold wish this holiday season.

She declared that she was hoping to find something shiny and brand new, primarily crafted from steel, capable of zooming from 0 to 300 in under ten seconds—all presented with a BIG red bow right in our driveway on Christmas morning!

Let me tell you, a brand-new bathroom scale definitely wasn’t the surprise she had in mind!

Counting Present

On Christmas morning, a man was happily opening presents with his family. However, each time he unwrapped a gift, he felt the need to double-check that everything was included.

“Wow, four steak knives! Let me count them… 1, 2, 3, and 4!”

“A dozen wrenches? Let’s see… 1, 2, 3, 4… 10, 11, and 12! That’s awesome!”

“Four wine glasses? Great! 1, 2, 3, and don’t forget the last one, 4!”

This continued for quite a while, and his family was starting to get a bit annoyed with him, but he just kept going.

“Fifty fishing lures? Oh my! Let’s count… 1, 2, 3, 4…”

Finally, a voice boomed, “Adam! It was just one rib, and that happened ages ago. Just let it go!”

Christmas Dinner

A 17-year-old guy walks into a drugstore.

He says, “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. After that, I’m hoping I might get lucky, if you know what I mean.”

The clerk replies, “How about some condoms? They could be useful. Here’s a pack.”

After paying, the young man heads to the door, stops, smiles, and comes back: “You know what? The mom is pretty attractive, too. I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”

On Christmas Eve, the boy sits at the dinner table, and his mom asks him to lead the family in saying grace. He starts praying, and he keeps going. After a while, the daughter leans over and whispers, “I had no idea you were so religious.”

The boy replies, “I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist.”

Christmas Shopping

It was Christmas time, and the judge was in a wonderfully cheerful mood as he engaged the defendant in conversation.

“What exactly are you accused of?” he eagerly inquired.

“Doing my Christmas shopping early!” the defendant exclaimed.

The judge chuckled, “That’s hardly a crime!”

“Just how early were you shopping?”

“Before the store even opened!"

Truck Driver & The Bikers

A truck driver stopped at a diner for lunch and ordered a hamburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie. Just as he was about to dig in, three bikers walked in.

One of them snatched the hamburger and took a big bite. Another gulped down the coffee, while the third quickly finished off the apple pie. The truck driver said nothing as he paid the waitress and walked out.

When the waitress approached, one of the bikers sneered, "He doesn’t seem like much of a man, does he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a driver, either. He just backed his 18-wheeler right over three motorcycles."

Train Delay

On Christmas afternoon, a mom was busy in the kitchen while her little boy played with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train come to a halt, and her son exclaimed, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mom flipped out and told her son, "We don’t talk like that in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I want you to use nice words."

Two hours later, the boy came out of his room and went back to playing with his train. Soon enough, the train stopped again, and the mom heard her son say, "All passengers who are getting off the train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. We appreciate you riding with us today and hope your trip was enjoyable. We look forward to having you ride with us again soon."

She listened as her little boy continued, "For those of you just getting on, please stow all your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, no smoking on the train. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

Just as the mom started to smile, the boy added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Frustrated Santa

When four of Santa's elves came down with a cold, the trainee elves couldn’t keep up with toy production. Santa felt the pressure of approaching Christmas build up. To make matters worse, Mrs. Claus announced that her mother would be coming for a visit, adding to Santa's stress.

As he headed out to get the reindeer ready, he discovered that three of them were about to give birth. Additionally, two had somehow managed to jump the fence and were nowhere to be found. Just when he thought it couldn't get worse, the floorboard of the sleigh cracked as he was loading it. The toy bag fell and spilled toys everywhere.

Feeling frustrated, Santa stepped inside for a comforting cup of apple cider and a little rum. But when he opened the cupboard, he found that the elves had finished both the cider and the liquor. In his annoyance, he accidentally dropped the rum bottle, shattering it on the kitchen floor. When he went to get the broom, he saw that the mice had chewed away all the straw from the end of it.

Just then, the doorbell rang. Irritated, Santa stomped over and yanked the door open, only to find a cheerful little angel standing there with a beautiful Christmas tree. The angel cheerfully said, "Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?" And that's how the tradition of placing a little angel on top of the Christmas tree began.

Joe & Mary

Joe shows up to pick up his fiancée for a date, and he’s driving a shiny new Porsche.

His fiancée is puzzled because Joe isn’t someone who usually has a lot of money.

She asks, “Where did you get this Porsche?”

Joe replies, “It was just sitting in my garage.”

She continues, “What was it doing in your garage?”

Joe casually responds, “Well, I guess God put it there.”

She exclaims, “That’s just silly!”

Joe says, “Yeah, it is kind of silly, isn’t it, Mary?”

Helen & John

After 20 years of marriage, Helen was frustrated that her husband, John, never bought her a Christmas gift. So upset was she that she suggested they see a marriage counselor.

During their session, the counselor asked John why he hadn’t given Helen a gift in all this time. He replied, “I did! I got her a present the first year we were married.”

The counselor probed further, “Why haven’t you gotten her another one since then?”

John answered, “I told her I’d buy her another gift when she used the first one I gave her. She hasn’t used it yet.”

The counselor glanced at Helen, who was fixedly looking down at the floor. “What did you get her?” he inquired.

John replied, “A cemetery plot.”

Deserted Island

An elderly couple was on their way to Hawaii for a two-week Christmas getaway.

Suddenly, the captain's voice came over the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, I have some unfortunate news. Our engines have stopped working, and we’ll need to make an emergency landing. Fortunately, there’s an uncharted island below us where we can touch down on the beach. However, there’s a chance we might never be rescued and could end up living here for the rest of our lives.”

Thanks to the crew's expertise, the plane safely landed on the island.

About an hour later, the husband turned to his wife and asked, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”

“No, dear,” she replied.

Still feeling rattled from the landing, he asked, “Did we pay our credit card bill?”

“Oh no! I forgot to send that one,” she admitted.

Then he inquired, “What about the medical bill from last month’s hospital visit?”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t send that either,” she confessed.

Suddenly, the husband pulled her into a warm hug—his biggest in 50 years. When she pulled away, she asked, “What was that hug for?”

He smiled and replied, “They’ll find us!”

Santa & The Blonde

On Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is surprised to find a stunning 19-year-old blonde. She asks, "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa responds, "Ho Ho Ho, I gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to all the good girls and boys."

Then she removes her nightgown, now just in her bra and panties, and asks again, "Santa, will you stay with me now?"

"Ho Ho Ho, I gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to all the good girls and boys."

She strips completely and says, "Santa, will you stay with me now?"

Santa replies, "Hey Hey Hey, I gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dong this way!"

Uncanny Resemblance

Santa was on a mission and discovered that the target girl was quite the little troublemaker!

After their time together, he cheerfully asked her, "So, how did you find it?"

With a playful grin, she replied, "You remind me of a Christmas tree!"

Santa beamed, “Oh, you mean divine and full of gifts?”

“No, almost dead from the root, balls are just for decoration.”

Talking Parrot

Bill wanted to buy his mom something nice for Christmas, but she’s tough to shop for. As he walked by a pet store, he thought, "Hmm, a pet could be a good choice."

He entered the pet store and asked the manager for suggestions.

"How about a puppy?"

"No," Bill replied. "It might poop all over the house."

"What about a fish?"

"No, her place is small, so I doubt an aquarium would fit."

Then Bill noticed a parrot and asked, "What about that parrot?"

"Oh," the manager said, "That’s Chet. He’s quite pricey."

"Well," Bill said, "It’s for my mom, let’s check him out."

The manager approached Chet, held a lighter under his left wing, and Chet began to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells..." Then the manager held the lighter under Chet’s right wing, and he started singing, "Dashing through the snow..."

"Wow!" exclaimed Johnny, "What else can he sing?"

The manager then held the lighter under Chet’s crotch, and Chet sang, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.”

Tattoos

It was Christmas Eve. A woman returned home to her husband after a hectic day of shopping.

Later that night, as she was getting ready for bed, he spotted a mark on the inside of her leg. "What’s that?" he inquired.

She replied, "I went to the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg, I had them ink 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other, they inked 'Happy New Year.'"

Confused, he asked, "Why would you do that?"

"Well," she said, "now you can’t say there’s never anything to eat between Christmas and New Year’s!”

Widow & The Post Office

Once, there was a man who worked at the Post Office, and his job was to handle all the mail with unreadable addresses. One day, he received a letter addressed to God, written in a shaky hand, with no return address. Curious, he decided to open it.

The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday, someone stole my purse, which had $100 in it, the only money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I have invited two friends over for dinner. Without that money, I can’t buy food. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Please help me. Sincerely, Edna."

The postal worker was moved by Edna's heartfelt plea. He shared the letter with his colleagues, and everyone reached into their wallets, contributing what they could. By the time he finished, they had gathered $96, which they placed in an envelope and sent to Edna. Throughout the day, the workers felt a warm sense of satisfaction, imagining the lovely Christmas dinner she could now share with her friends.

Christmas passed, and a few days later, another letter arrived from Edna, addressed to God again. The workers gathered excitedly as the letter was opened. It read: "Dear God, how can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Your generous gift allowed me to prepare a wonderful dinner for my friends. We had a lovely day, and I shared the story of your amazing gift with them. However, I noticed that $4 was missing-I'm afraid it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!"

Diamond Ring

A group of married couples gathers for a Christmas dinner.

When the last couple arrives, the wife excitedly shows off her gift from her husband. “Look at what my Harold bought me!” she exclaims, holding up her hand with a huge diamond ring.

The other wives crowd around her, oohing and ahhing over the stunning ring.

Meanwhile, one of the husbands leans over to Harold and whispers, “I thought she wanted a new car?”

Harold replies with a grin, “She did. But I didn’t know where to find a fake Mercedes!”

Gift For Mother

Three wealthy brothers wanted to give their elderly mother the best Christmas gifts.

The first brother proudly announced that he would buy her a beautiful, big house.

The second brother chimed in, saying he would get her an expensive sports car.

The third brother shook his head and said they were lacking creativity. He explained that he had spent the past year training a parrot to memorize Bible verses, as their mother cherished the Bible.

When Christmas came, all three brothers received the same email from their mother.

She wrote, “To my first son: The big house is lovely, but I can hardly manage the stairs, and now I have to clean the whole place on my own.”

“To my second son: The car is great, but my eyesight has gotten so bad that I can't drive anymore. So it just sits in the driveway.”

“To my third son: You gave me the best gift of all. It was exactly what I wanted. Thank you, dear son. The chicken was delicious.”

Funny Christmas One-Liner

• Why is Christmas like your job? You do all the work, and a fat man in a suit gets the credit.

• I have bought my wife a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

• What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve.

• What does a man who's had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common? Decorative balls.

• Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

• Why are Santa's helpers depressed? Because they have low elf-esteem.

• I asked my wife if she would like a necklace for Christmas, and she said nothing would please her more. So I got her nothing instead.

• How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh? Nothing, it’s on the house!

• My Dad got me a thesaurus for Christmas last year. But when I opened it, every single page was blank. I didn't have the words to describe how angry I was.

• Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25!

• Jesus was born on Christmas, died on Good Friday, and rose on Easter. What are the odds?!?!

• If you love Christmas so much... Why don’t you go merry it?

• Why doesn't Santa go to the hospital? He has private elf care.

• How do you know when Santa is in the room? You can sense his presents.

• How does Santa practice safe sex? He always wraps his package before shoving it down the chimney.

• My Christmas tree was so happy to come down, it was de-lighted.

• What do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow!

• What do you call an old snowman? Water!

• What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.

• What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

• Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus... And unfortunately, so did my parents.

• What do you call a reindeer with three eyes? A reiiindeer!

• Who says Oh Oh Oh? Santa walking backwards!

• Why did the Christmas tree go to the doctor? It was looking a little green!

• My wife spent weeks looking for a Christmas gift idea for her 90-year-old grandma. This morning, she said, "How about a DVD of The Walking Dead?"

• What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa was smart enough to stop at three hos.

• Wife asked her husband, “Do you really hate all Christmas movies?” Husband replied, “No. I love Love Actually actually.”

• What should you give your parents at Christmas? A list of what you want!

• Alright, who is this girl named “Christmas”? And why are people telling me to marry her?!

• Knock knock.

  Who's there?

  Mary.

  Mary who?

  Mary Christmas!

  Knock knock.

  Who's there?

  Anna.

  Anna who?

  Anna, happy new year!

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