No Good Story Ever Started With A Salad

2 Drunk Men

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."

1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk.

Genius From Guinness

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies,

"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

Taking advice From A Drunken

I told myself I need to stop drinking so much.

But I’m not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to himself.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink.

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE.

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool. Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approaches and asks the chicken “Are you part of this joke?” “Yeah.” the chicken replies.

Again, he points to the sign: NO JOKES SERVED HERE.

The chicken argues “Well then how’s a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?” The bartender moves his pointed finger from the sign to the window. “There’s another bar across the road.”

Drinking Problem

Man (to his boss): "Can we talk? I have a problem."

Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"

Man: "Ok then, I have a serious drinking opportunity.

Fly In A Beer

A Frenchman, German, and Irishman are drinking beer at a bar. A fly lands in each of their beers.

The Frenchman flags the bartender down and asks for another beer.

The German scoops the fly out and continues drinking his beer.

The Irishman takes the fly out, holds it over his glass and screams “Spit it out ya dirty bastard!”

Got any Bread?

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, Its a bar we don't sell bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your beak to the bar!!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

Cowboy & The Lesbian

A cowboy walks into a bar, 10 gallon hat, duster coat, 6 shooters, the whole shebang. Sits at the bar and gets the bartender's attention. "Barkeep, I'd like a shot of your finest whiskey if it's not too much trouble". The bartender pours the shot, and the cowboy sits there sipping for a few minutes.

Eventually a lady comes up to him. She's stunning. Blonde, long legs, cleavage you could ski down. She sits next to the cowboy and after a minute of awkward silence asks "I'm so sorry, but are you a real cowboy? It's just with the hat and the coat..."

The cowboy smiles and says, "Well miss, I like to think so. You see, when I wake every morning, my first thought is about those cattle. As I pour my first cup of coffee, I'm thinking about those cattle. And when my head hits the pillow every night, I dream about those cows running across the range. So yeah, I think I'm a real cowboy. Say, what do you do for a profession if you don't mind me asking?"

The blonde lady blushes before stammering "I- I'm actually a lesbian porn star." The cowboy looks shocked for a second before asking "Like, a real lesbian, or just for the cameras?" The blonde replies "Well to put it like you did, when I wake up; my first thought is about beautiful women. When I have my first cup of coffee in the morning I'm thinking about women. And when I go to sleep at night, I dream about the beautiful women I sleep with for my job. So, you tell me."

The cowboy looks impressed and says "Well kudos to you, being true to yourself. Cheers!" And the two toast and chat for a while as they finish their drinks. The blonde eventually leaves, and the cowboy asks for another shot of the finest whiskey. After sipping at it for a few minutes, another lady comes up to him. This one is a brunette but equally gorgeous. Tight jeans, tight shirt, and eyes that could see right into your soul. She looks the cowboy up and down before winking and asking, "Are you a real cowboy?".

The cowboy downs the rest of his drink.

"Well miss, I sure used to think so, but I found out today I might be a lesbian."

High Stakes

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling and asks the bartender, "what's this?"

The bartender says, "it's a game we play here, if you can run, jump and touch the meat, then you drink for free. If you miss, you have to buy everyone a round. Wanna play?"

The guy takes a step back, studies the ceiling and says, "I can't, the steaks are too high."

Complimentary Peanuts

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, “You look nice today.”

A few minutes later he again hears a small voice say, “That’s a nice shirt.”

The guy asks the bartender, “Who is that?”

The bartender says, “Those are the peanuts. They’re complimentary!”

No Room For Complaints

A North Korean Walk into a bar and the bartender says, “How’s it going?”

The North Korean says, “Can’t complain.”

An Upscale Bar

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African walk into a really upscale bar.

After scrutinizing the group, the bartender says “I’m sorry, but I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

Not Working Out

A personal trainer walks into a bar and orders one drink after another.

After about the fifth drink, the bartender gets concerned and asks the guy, “Problems at work, pal?”

The guy says, “Yeah, I’m a personal trainer at Gold’s Gym and they let me go today. They said, ‘I just wasn’t working out.'”

Desperate father

Man walks into a bar, says, "Gimme a shot of Jack." Bartender brings the shot, the man slams it back, bartender asks, "You okay, buddy?" The man says, "No, I just found out my youngest son is gay." Gets up, walks out.

Two weeks later, same guy walks into the bar. "Bartender, gimme a Jack, and make it a double." Bartender asks what's wrong, he says, "I just found out my middle son is gay." Downs the shots, walks out.

Two weeks later, he walks into the bar again, almost crying. "Bartender, gimme a damn pint of Jack." Bartender asks what's wrong, he says, "I just found out my oldest son is gay!" Drinks the Jack down like water and stumbles out.

Another couple of weeks, the guy walks back into the bar. This time he's already shit-faced. "Bartender," he slurs, "just bring me the damn bottle!"

Bartender says, "Shit, man, doesn't anybody at your house like chicks?"

"Yeah," says the guy. "My wife."

60 Cents

Guy runs into a bar yelling at the bartender....

"I need 6 shots of whiskey fast!!!"

The bartender scrambles and gets the shots lined up on the bar.

The man then shoots all 6 of them in a row like nothing.

The bartender is amazed at this, and the man notices his reaction, so the man says...

"Trust me, if you had what I have you would drink like this too!!"

The bartender says, "Jesus Christ man, what do you have??"

The man says, "60 cents." And runs out of the bar.

It's Started

A man gets home from work, yells at his wife "Hurry up and bring me a beer before it starts!"

Wife brings him a beer and goes back doing whatever she was doing.

A minute later, "Hurry up, and bring me a beer before it starts!"

She brings him another, which he also chugs.

A few minutes later "Hurry up and bring me a beer before it starts!"

She brings beer and finally asks "What are you in such a hurry for?"

To which, the man shakes his head and mumbles "Aw hell, it's started."

Intelligent Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs

some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,

sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."