Death & Texas

My dyslexic blonde girlfriend just said "How do we know which of the other 49 states are real?"

I said: "What? They're all real"

She said: "No they're not, we only know for certain that one is real, no one's certain about the other ones. Just like the saying goes"

Now very confused* I reply: "What saying?"

She looks at me like I'm an idiot and replies confidently: "You know - only two things are certain in life, death and Texas"

Medical Emergency

A blonde was playing golf and she sliced her drive off the tee and the ball went hurtling into a group of men on the adjacent green, followed by a cry of agony.

She rushed over and saw one of the men, obviously in agony, with his hands between his legs.

She says not to worry as she is a nurse and knows what to do.

She lays the man down and undoes the front of his trousers, she puts her hand down and begins to massage him.

After a couple of minutes she asks him how that feels, to which he answers "Great but my thumb still hurts like hell ".

Cow With No Horns

A blonde sees a cow with no horns.

So she asks the farmer, "Excuse me, but why doesn’t this cow have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and too dangerous to handle and be around.

Yet another reason is because sometimes when they are calves we put a type of acid where the horns are growing and this stops the horns from forming."

The blonde then points and asks, "OK, but what about that cow, why doesn't it have any horns?" The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, the reason why THAT particular cow has no horns is because it's a horse."

Flying First Class

A A blonde boards a plane, flying economy.

Once the plane has taken off, and the seatbelt signs have turned off, she gets up, takes her stuff, and moves a few rows forward to an unoccupied first class seat.

One of the cabin crew approaches her, and politely says "excuse me madame, but you can't sit here. This is a first class seat, and you've only paid for an economy seat. I must kindly ask you to return to the seat you paid for."

She looks up at the attendant, and quite pompously announces "I'm young, I'm beautiful, I'm flying to Los Angeles, and I want to fly first class, so I'm not moving."

The attendant retreats, somewhat flustered. He speaks to the cabin chief, who approaches the woman and tells her the same thing: "madame, please return to the seat you bought."

The same response... "I'm young, I'm beautiful, I'm flying to Los Angeles, and I want to fly first class. I'm not moving."

The cabin chief speaks to the cockpit crew. The copilot smiles and says, "don't worry - I'm married to a blonde, I know how to speak to them." He calmly gets up and approaches the woman, asking her to move. Same response. Then he bends down and whispers something to her, whereupon she promptly gets up, takes her belongings, and returns to her original seat.

The cabin crew are stunned. The chief approaches the copilot and asks, "what the hell did you say to her?!"

"It's quite simple really. When she said she was flying to Los Angeles, I said: yes madame, but you see, first class isn't going to Los Angeles, only economy is."

Blonde & The Lawyer

A A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.