I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.

Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

I entered 10 puns in a contest to see which would win. No pun in ten did.

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? It's two tired.

Did you hear about the comedian who got arrested in the park? He was charged with battery.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't knead the dough.

Why shouldn't you trust atoms? They make up everything!

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh!

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.

What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.

What do kids play when their mom is using the phone? Bored games.

What do you call an ant who fights crime? A vigilANTe!

Why are snails slow? Because they’re carrying a house on their back.

What’s the smartest insect? A spelling bee!

What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation.

Why is a football stadium always cold? It has lots of fans!

What did one math book say to the other? “I’ve got so many problems.”

What did the Dalmatian say after lunch? That hit the spot!

What do you call two bananas on the floor? Slippers.

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

Why do ducks have feathers on their tails? To cover their butt quacks.

How does a vampire start a letter? “Tomb it may concern…”

A plane crashed in the jungle and every single person died. Who survived? Married couples.

What kind of math do birds love? Owl-gebra!

Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass? It could crack up.

I went shopping for a pair of camouflage pants. But I couldn't find any.

Bacon and eggs walk into a diner. The host says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast here.”

I told a chemistry joke once. I didn't get much of a reaction.

My dad was hit on the head with a can of soda. Luckily, it was a soft drink.

What do you call people who sleep in their socks? Tiny.

I used to steal soap, but I'm clean now.

Why do tigers have stripes? They don't want to be spotted.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I didn't go to work.

I once got fired from a keyboard factory. They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

I used to be afraid of hurdles. But I got over it.

Why do dragons sleep during the day? So they can hunt knights.

Are all math puns bad? No, just sum.

What does a house wear? Address.

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.

I excel at sleeping. In fact, I can do it with my eyes closed.

I used to be afraid of painting, but eventually I brushed it off.

Why did the cloud stay home from school? It was feeling under the weather.

Why shouldn't you tell a legume your secrets? They always spill the beans.

Did you hear about the polite clown? It was a nice jester.

What do you call a crocodile wearing a vest? An investigator.

What do you call a magician without magic? Ian.

What is blue and smell like red paint? blue paint.

I don't trust stairs. They are always up to something.

What do you call a short mother? minimum.

I was on a diabetes awareness site. It asked me if I accept cookies? Is that a trick question?.

What word starts with E and ends with E but only has one letter in it? Envelope.

I hate it when people tell me age is just a number. It's clearly a word.

It was 10 years ago today. My best friend came out of the room. Tears streaming down his face, he said, "It's a boy". We never went back to Thailand.

I told my wife she needs to embrace her mistakes. So she gave me a hug.

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don't buy it.

Couldn’t decide whether to bury or cremate grandpa, so we let him live.

What's the difference between Wuhan and Vegas? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Employee: Can I have two weeks off at Christmas? Boss: It’s May. Employee: Sorry. May I have two weeks off at Christmas?

The guy who stole my diary died. My thoughts are with his family.

It’s not easy being a mom, otherwise dads would do it.

My boyfriend dumped me because he says I’m “too mysterious.” Or did he?

My girlfriend said nothing would make her happier than getting a ring on her birthday, so I got her nothing.

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. But, I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I recently won $3 million on the lottery and decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. I now have $2,999,999.75.

Yesterday I got a new fridge for my wife. Heck of a trade if you ask me.

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

What did one plate say to the other? "Dinner's on me.

I can't spell Armageddon, but it's not the end of the world.

Why did the astronaut breakup with his girlfriend? Because he needed space.

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will let it go.

What do you call a factory that makes good products? satisfactory.

Why don't some couple go the gyms? Because some relationships don't work out.

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.

What is an astronaut's favorite part on the computer? The space bar.

Why did the frog take the bus to work today? His car got toad away.

An Irishman walks out of a bar.... .

What should be written on a dentist's grave? This is the last cavity he filled.

How many push-ups Chuck Norris do? Answer: All of them.

Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer; too bad he's never cried.

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.

A Buddhist walks into a pizza parlor and says, "Make me one with everything".

Why don't scientist trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a crap in days.

Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Communism is the other way round.

Crime in multi-story parking lots. This is wrong on so many different levels.

I saw this wino. he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. I'll tell you what, never again.

My friends in Germany were complaining that they couldn't find a good bagel anywhere. And i said, "Well whose fault is that?".