What's the difference between Wuhan and Vegas? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Couldn’t decide whether to bury or cremate grandpa, so we let him live.

I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday...But all the little shit did was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

My wife ran off with my best friend last year. I still miss him.

My husband told me to do whatever makes me happy. I’ll miss him.

There are lots of jokes about unemployed people. Sadly, none of them work.

I was raised as an only child. It was very frustrating for my older sister.

When a kid burned down his house, his father watched, put an arm around his wife, and said, “That’s arson.”

My grandfather complained that my generation relies too much on technology, so I unplugged his life support.

What does Nemo have in common with my dad? Neither can be found.

What did the cow say to the leather chair? “Hi Mom!”

I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me: “Are you still holding the ladder?”

When I die, I want to die silently like my grandfather—not like his screaming passengers.

My twin brother called from prison the other day and asked, “Hey, do you remember when we used to finish each other’s sentences?”

Today was the worst day of my life: My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, “a way out” was the wrong answer.

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.

"What's the deal with airline food?" -Said the Malaysian shark.

A rabbi, a lawyer and a Catholic priest are on a sinking ship.

The rabbi says "oy! Save the children!"
The lawyer says, "aah, screw the children."
The priest says, "do you really think there's time for that?"

I sent my husband to the store for potatoes, and he was hit by a car. It's horrible! And what are you going to do now? Don't know. Rice, probably.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile, and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around".

Son: "Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?" Dad: "Call me George".

My girlfriend said nothing would make her happier than getting a ring on her birthday, so I got her nothing.

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, "I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!"

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

My mom died when we couldn't remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to "be positive," but it's hard without her.

What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can't be found.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it's working fine!

It's important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

A priest asks the convicted murderer in the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?".

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

What did the Titanic say as it sank? I'm nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

You're not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

I made a website for orphans. It doesn't have a home page.

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he's dead.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."

What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.

What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn't opened her present yet.

"I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.

My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

They say the surest way to a man's heart is through the stomach. But I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

What's the special dish in a restaurant for cannibals? Heads, shoulders, knees and toes.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he won't come anyway.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in.

I was drinking a martini when the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed—well, except one person.

I know a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds, though, and only once.

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin' hot body!.

Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

Did you hear about the elderly man who fell into a well? No? Yeah, apparently he couldn't see that well.

I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women's rights shouldn't go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.

I started crying when Dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.

Why did the zombies get divorced? Their marriage was dead.

I asked my wife to clean the oven. I probably should have turned it off first.

I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

My wife is mad that I ruined our anniversary. I'm not sure how; I didn't even know it was today.

I took my family skydiving. I should have given them parachutes.

If someone burns to death, do they get a discount on the cremation?

My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed her.

If you think I would joke about Alzheimer's, forget it.

My wife told me she wants another baby. I told her, "That’s a relief; I don't really like this one anyway.

What is yellow and can't swim? A dead goldfish.

I'll never forget my dad's last words, "Erase my search history, son."

Stop elephant poaching. Everyone knows the best way to eat an elephant is grilled.

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He's all right now.

Good moms let you lick the beaters when they're making a cake. Great moms turn them off first.

I wasn't close to my dad when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

A man and a child are going for a walk in the woods.

As it got dark, the child held the man's hand, saying "I'm scared"

The man replied:

"You're scared? I'm the one that has to make the walk back all by myself."

Why do women have babies? Because it hurts and they deserve it!