Who's Your Daddy?

My wife just found out she's adopted. She's devastated and kept asking "Why didnt they want me?"

I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!" was a little insensitive.

Blind Man & The Nuns

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."

They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”

Pregnancy & Lemons

A nun went to the Mother Superior and said she was pregnant.

The Mother Superior told her to suck on two lemons.

“Will that stop me being pregnant?” the nun asked

“No but it will take the smile off your face!”

Do You Have A Vagina

A woman home alone, answers a knock on the door to a man who just stood there and asked, "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust and tells her husband that night when he got home from work.

The next morning she answers a knock on the door. Its the same man and he asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina?"

Once again she slams the door. She immediately gets on the phone and rings her husband at work. He tells her he will take the day off tomorrow just in case the man shows up a third time.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both make for the door. The husband whispers to his wife, "Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to tell him yes to his question, because I want to a see where he's going with this."

She nods, a yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there. He asks, "Do you have a vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady.

The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!”

Taste Of Carrot

I walked in on my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot.

I said "babe, I was going to eat that later!

...and you know I hate the taste of carrots."

Bob's Tiny Problem

The nurse asked Bob to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

“In front of you?” He asks, shy.

The nurse says: “Well no, but I’ve seen the human body before. The man said, “Not one like mine. You’d die laughing at my body.”

“Of course, I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay then,” said the Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.

In length and width, it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s private part, she composed herself as well as she could.

“I am so sorry,” she said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?

“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.

Way Of Thinking

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

Lady & The General

A woman asked an Army General when was the last time he had made love to a woman.

The general replied “1956, ma’am.”

The woman, in disbelief, said “1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better.”

The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said “Well, you sure haven’t forgotten anything since 1956...”

The general looked at her, confused, and replied “I sure hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

Halloween Party

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that – you have to be single and you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Steve and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

Betting Problem

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."

She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it."

But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue."

"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.

"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money."

She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

Blonde Nurse

A blonde was playing golf and she sliced her drive off the tee and the ball went hurtling into a group of men on the adjacent green, followed by a cry of agony.

She rushed over and saw one of the men, obviously in agony, with his hands between his legs.

She says not to worry as she is a nurse and knows what to do. She lays the man down and undoes the front of his trousers, she puts her hand down and begins to massage him.

After a couple of minutes she asks him how that feels, to which he answers ” Great but my thumb still hurts like hell “

3 Italian Nuns In Heaven

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says “Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and zing she’s gone.

The second says, “I want to be Madonna;” and zingf she’s gone. The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini;” replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says “No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”

Nymphomaniac & The Pervert

A man boarded an aircraft at London’s Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo!

She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?”

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States.”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really”, he smiled, “what myths are those?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who are most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.”

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!”

“Tonto,” the man said. “Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.”