Jokes are us

Relationship Jokes

"Relationships are like a walk in the park- Jurassic Park"

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight.

Regular Customer

A woman home alone, answers a knock on the door to a man who just stood there and asked, "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust and tells her husband that night when he got home from work. The next morning she answers a knock on the door. Its the same man and he asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina?"

Once again she slams the door. She immediately gets on the phone and rings her husband at work. He tells her he will take the day off tomorrow just in case the man shows up a third time.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both make for the door. The husband whispers to his wife, "Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to tell him yes to his question, because I want to a see where he's going with this."

She nods, a yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there. He asks, "Do you have a vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady.

The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!”

Do You Have The Vajayjay?

Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish.

"Quick, pee on it!"

Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."

Stung By A Jelly Fish

A husband and wife get into a huge argument. They are calling each other names, swearing, and throwing things at each other.

Finally the wife grabs a suitcase and throws a bunch of the husband's clothes into it and says, "that's it, I've had enough of you! Take this suitcase and GET THE HELL OUT!"

As he's leaving, she says, "I hope you die a slow, painful death. I want you to be miserable for every minute of the rest of your life!"

The husband pauses, looks back at his wife with a confused look on his face and says "so you want me to stay now?"

Husband Wife Fight

On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the cheerful looking bartender and asks for his favorite premium beer. "Certainly, sir. That'll be 1 cent."

"One single penny?!" exclaimed the man.

The barman replied, "Yes, sir. Just one penny."

As he takes the glass of delicious beer and takes a satisfying gulp, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender.

"But all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

Generous Bartender

Why don't some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships just don't work out.

Work Out

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside**.**

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Confession Time

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator."

Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.

She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.

Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?"

"And so, here we are!"

Useless Things

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

"Thank you, honey", she says.

"What would you like me to bring back for you?"

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good," she replies.

"And what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" she asks.

"The one I asked for- an Italian girl!"

"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."

Italian Girl

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

Ugly Baby

A man and a lady met on a cruise ship because they both got assigned the same cabin. When they went to the reception to inform about it they had to travel up 4 stairs and the lady behind the counter told them that sadly they were fully booked and there was no solution.

Disappointed the man and the lady went 4 stairs down again and decided to not let it bother them. It was a simple cabin and it were bunk beds anyway.

That night they were trying to sleep but the lady kept complaining about the cold. She told the man "I can't believe how cold it is, isn't there any way to warm up in here?"

The man laughed and replied "Well, I could of course go to the reception and ask for an extra blanket, but that would mean I would have to get out, get dressed and go up those 4 flights of stairs... or we could y'know.. act like we're married for the night"

The lady didn't mind the suggestion and said "well if you say it like that I guess we could act like we're married"

The man replied "That's a great idea honey, go get the fucking blanket yourself" and he turned around to sleep.